You might be trying to deny that God exists because you believe that you can ACTUALLY pull it off. You think you can actually get rid of God.
God is permanent and will always exist. But you attempt to prove that God is impermanent.
This can absolutely never work. God is permanent. God will never be impermanent.
This is what your entire life in the world is about. Your every effort to be separate. Your whole campaign against God. Your attempt to deny Him and everything He created (which includes you). This is all because you think one day, somehow, you will prove once and for all, that death of permanence CAN be accomplished, and that you actually HAVE sinned.
Sorry to tell you this, but, .... what is permanent cannot, by definition, ever be impermanent, and can never, ever, ever, ever die. And what is innocent CANNOT SIN.
The ego might've forgotten to tell you that one little technicality.
So go ahead and keep trying to die, all you like. You won't achieve it.
At best you might experience what looks like death, which will be just a temporary transition.
Since it's not possible to die, the ego HAS to have you whisked away to some other dimension when you die to create the illusion that 'you're gone', which is all smoke and mirrors, because it's not actually capable of killing you. Ever. Because you're permanent.
The game is up.
It is futile.
You cannot win.
You cannot make God be dead.
You cannot destroy yourself.
Maybe it's time to surrender and give up this fight? And... why not just stop denying that God loves you and actually LET HIM love you? Why not RECEIVE what is being offered? You'll be far happier.
Maybe it's time to drop the whole charade of trying to prove you can't be loved. It will never work. Nothing can act against the will of God and it's Gods will that you be lovable forever.
You CAN'T make death real.
You CAN'T be separate from God.
You CAN'T succeed in what you are trying to do, ever.
So maybe its time to give up and let go of all of this effort to destroy yourself, which will never work, and just let God love the heck out of you. I know I know... that would be like, something you have to suffer through and do begrudgingly right? Like being kissed by your grandma? lol
You can be loved. There is NO POINT denying it.
But will you admit it and let it happen or just keep stubbornly refusing - insanely refusing - trying to keep asserting that it's actually possible to be dead?
You are permanent.
Here is a perfect ACIM quote: "Failure is all about you while you seek for goals that cannot be achieved. You look for permanence in the impermanent; for love where there is none; for safety in the midst of danger; immortality within the darkness of the dream of death. Who could succeed where contradiction is the setting of his searching, and the place to which he comes to find stability?"