The ego can be likened to a train which is hurtling towards death. You don't necessarily need to be on the train.
But sometimes you hop on the train, with a one-way ticket.
Once you're on it, automatically you will begin hurtling towards death. You'll be frightened by this, and start kicking and screaming that you don't want it. But so long as you're still on the train, you're not really taking steps to counteract it.
You need to get off the train.
So getting on the train is you "identifying with" the ego. Trying to make it your identity. Trying to make it who you are. Trying to define yourself using its view of things. Trying to take on its identity as though you are it.
Once you do that, whatever it sees, whatever its opinion is, whatever it is trying to accomplish, and whatever it experiences, starts to become yours.
So now you've gotten yourself caught up in "bad company", you're being swept along this path that doesn't lead to a happy place.
So now you're in a split mind, because part of you remembers and wants to be back in the state of happiness that you had when you were off the train, but now part of you wants to be on the train.
So with that split mind, there's going to be stories running at the same time. There'll be the story of "I don't want this, I want to be happy, I don't want sickness, I don't want to die, etc", but at the same time there's be "I want to be on this train, I want to die, I want to escape God, I want to head to hell and meet my end."
Both of those stories will be experienced by anyone who is in cahoots with the ego. And that is anyone who is in the victim consciousness mindset.
You want to get out of it, but you don't. You want to protect the truth, but your idea of the truth has become tainted. You want to maintain innocence, but you've confused innocence with projecting guilt. So you end up having this two-faced state of conflict, a war with yourself, where you're torn apart.
As you head to death on the death train you're terrified and screaming that you do not want it, BUT, you're still choosing it. You're still on the train. And you're not getting off the train because you've come to believe the train is the truth. You think it's real. You think you want it on some level. So you stay seated.
We really need to become clear in our distinction of what YOU are, and what the TRAIN is. The train always heads to death. The train always wants to destroy. The train always goes away from God. That's all the train does. The train is the ego. That's all it does. It has no other mode of functioning. It will never change. It was designed as a device to produce death. If you use it, if you use the train or get onto the bandwagon, you will experience death.
But that's only because you've associated yourself with it, you've identified with it and think it IS YOU. No-one would want to give up themselves. No-one would want to give up their identity or stop protecting themselves. You protect the ego because you think it's who you are. You defend it till the death even if it kills you because you think its who you and what you are. You think that everything the ego sees in you is true of you. That you're made of sin and guilt and fear.
So you have all this struggle and all this conflict and all this fear about where things are headed and all these half-hearted attempts to fail at getting off the train, but you don' really want to get off the train UNLESS you can see that it is not YOU. It's not your real identity. You've become confused about WHO and what you are.
You will be perfectly happy to let the train go on its merry way IF you can see that doing so will not mean the end of you. You will happily let the ego go if you can recognize who and what YOU really are (real innocence, holiness, truth etc), and that these properties are NOTHING to do with the ego train. Therefore, it's loss is no loss at all.
You'll get off the train completely and stop trying to protect it only when you are certain that it is not yourself. And until then, you'll keep seeing the truth as a threat and keep building defenses against it.
The truth is the platform. It's where you want to get off