For a short time yesterday, my body vanished from my conscious awareness. I had my eyes closed at the time and was thinking about some stuff...

I had this sudden vision of a small scene, perhaps a trail or some short stretch of path, and there was a body laying there. But then the body collapsed in on itself, and then flattened, and took on a dark shadow-like coloring, and then it completely just totally disappeared, like totally erased from the scene. I don't know if I was being shown this perhaps.

But then the next moment, as if related somehow, I suddenly had this awareness that my own physical body was not there anymore. Not simply that it was there but I was recognizing its unreality, it literally was gone. It had become invisible and totally absent.

I seemed to be still me as if some energy form or something, but the physical body that had surrounded me was gone. In an instant it seemed to fade and just vanish. I immediately thought of a quote from the course...

"Miracles are the absence of the body. They are sudden shifts into invisibility, away from lower order reality. That is why they heal."

Then I had this thought, is this a miracle, and does this mean I'm being healed somehow?

What then was the most stark and interesting fact, was just this amazing contrast between not having a body and all the various things that I believe about the body being real. Such as that it has biological mechanisms, or has a past history, or is physically solid, or that there's all these rules that have to be followed for its preservation, that it needs to be fed and slept and so on. All of those in an instant seemed completely irrelevant and meaningless.

I marveled to myself, that if the body can be just so easily switched off like that, it can't even really be a body. It's like some kind of hollow empty shell. Everything about it is fake and none of the stories about how it functions or what it depends on are true.

I also thought about how "miracles are teaching devices", because when you are exposed to something where the body is suddenly healed or something happens violating the laws of physics, or your body vanishes, there is just this incredibly profound education about the fact that the body is not anything at all. It uproots everything you ever believed. It confronts every bit of folklore about how the body works and behaves and must be protected and so on. All of it is suddenly false.

This went on for about 10 seconds or so as I felt myself bodiless. I noticed that I had a slight sense of the presence of the ends of my arms and legs, my hands and feet, but only mildly. And then I returned. Whether I was being shown this or escorted to see this or whatever I don't know. Nor could I get the experience to return on my own.

It was the most unexpected and peculiar thing, to have something you've always thought to be not only your self but also to be real and solid and important, to just be shown to be nothing but an imaginary image that can be flipped off like a switch. As though it means nothing whatsoever.

I'm reminded of this:

"You have made much progress, and are really trying to make still more, but there is one thing you have never done; not for one instant have you utterly forgotten the body. It has faded at times from your sight, but it has not yet COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED. You are not asked to let this happen for more than an instant, but it is in this instant that the miracle of Atonement happens. Afterwards, you will see the body again, but never quite the same. And every instant that you spend WITHOUT awareness of it gives you a different view of it, when you return."

"The power of decision is my own"

"God's teachers choose to look on dreams a while. It is a conscious choice. For they have learned that all choices are made consciously, with full awareness of their consequences."

"No one can suffer loss unless it be his own decision."

"No-one suffers pain except his choice elects this state for him."

"No-no on can grieve nor fear or thing him sick unless these are the outcomes that he wants."

"And no-one dies without his own consent."

"Nothing occurs but represents your wish, and nothing is omitted that you choose."

"You may believe this position is extreme, and too inclusive to be true. You can truth have exceptions?"

One of the most powerful teachings in ACIM is that you literally are the CHOOSER of everything you experience. Not only this, but your choice has POWER in it. That means, when you decide something, IT HAPPENS. When you do not decide something, it does NOT happen. It means that your thoughts wield REAL POWER. It means that if you REFUSE to be sick, you cannot be sick. It means if you choose NOT to die, you cannot die.

You are so used to it seeming that when you decide something, it has no INFLUENCE. That it doesn't actually CAUSE anything to occur. This is a state of disassociation and disempowerment.

When you decide something, if you are certain about it, IT MAKES IT SO. If you CHOOSE, that you will suffer, you will suffer. If you CHOOSE, that you will not suffer, you will not suffer. If you CHOOSE, that you will not die, you will not die.

This is all inclusive. No exceptions.

If you are unset or unhappy or suffering or not at peace in any way, YOU MUST HAVE WANTED TO BE.

"I must have made a wrong decision !!!!!! ... because I am not at peace." ie, whenever I am not at peace, I CHOSE TO BE.

"I MADE THE DECISION MYSELF, but I can choose otherwise, and I want to choose otherwise because I want to be at peace."

All sickness, all suffering, all unhappiness, all emotional reactions, all upset and hurt, all pain and loss and grief, all of it, is CHOSEN. Even DEATH. All death is suicide.

If you OWN THIS POWER, you become invulnerable and UNABLE TO SUFFER EVER AGAIN.

"My self is ruler of the universe."

"W-pII.253.1. It is impossible that anything should come to me unbidden by myself. 2 Even in this world, it is I who rule my destiny. 3 What happens is what I desire. 4 What does not occur is what I do not want to happen. 5 This must I accept. 6 For thus am I led PAST THIS WORLD to my creations, children of my will, in Heaven where my holy Self abides with them and Him Who has created me."

In ACIM there are lessons surrounding the idea that God is my strength. It's a very simple 4-word sentence. But in it you can also see the dynamic of relationship between you and God, in terms of the power that you have.

Specifically, MY strength, IS GOD, AND is myself.

Which means, that within you, there is a strength, which you experience as YOUR strength. But, at the same time, this strength that is in you, could be said to BE God himself. It is not one or the other, it is both.

This is because of the chain of cause effect that happens in creation and extension. When God creates a child he doesn't just deposit a new thing in an environment. He doesn't walk away and leave it alone. He doesn't disconnect from it unbilically.

Instead, He extends himself out and shares himself, RETAINING his thought in his mind, keeping his creation WITHIN his being, and the two are one, shared. Which means that God does not let you go, or disconnect from you, and you effectively don't leave the womb.

Therefore you kind of have God embedded in you still.

Therefore, anything you have, is indeed truly YOURS, because it is fully given to you and fully shared without conditions. But at the same time, it is fully GOD's, because he gives it to you not by losing it but by SHARING it. You overlap and share the same space, and everything there belongs to both of you.

So now the strength you have in you is yours, AND it is God's. The power that is in you, which makes you ALL POWERFUL, is God's power.

It is also not appropriate to suggest that the power that is in you is ONLY God's power. Nor that ONLY God wields that power. Or that only God does anything. This is the flipside of further ego thinking that God and you are separate.

The power that is in you is indeed HIS power, and He is all powerful, as well. But this power IS also yours. And his. At the same time. Together you SHARE the same power.

Power MUST be shared to BE power. It does not belong ONLY to you. But this also doesn't mean it DOESN'T belong to you, ONLY to God.

God has given it to you fully to use AS YOUR OWN, and freely. But only provided that you use it WITH everyone AS everyone. Everyone has the same power because everyone was created BY and WITH power.

It's tricky to understand because our mind wants to separate things off and assign ownership to one and not another. Our power is God's AND ours. We as children of God ARE all powerful. There is nothing WE cannot do. We do it WITH GOD. We AND God are all powerful.

But without God, if you take God out of it, you end up with NO power, because HE has all power. Without him you have NO power. With him, you BOTH have power. Without God you have nothing. With God you have everything.

God AND Christ are all-powerful. Jesus acknowledged God as the source of his own power, giving God FULL credit for the power, because he knew the power did not COME FROM himself. But this did NOT mean that Jesus had NO power, because he had inherited ALL power from God, and so WAS and IS extremely powerful.

"I am not helpless but all powerful."

"YOU did not make this power any more than I did. It was created to BE shared, and therefore cannot be meaningfully perceived as BELONGING to anyone AT THE EXPENSE of another. "

"My Father gives all power unto me"

"Your Will can do all things in me, and then extend to all the world as well through me. There is no limit on Your will. And so all power has been given to Your Son."

"You are part of Him who IS all power and glory, and are therefore as unlimited as He is."

"God has one Son, and he is the resurrection and the life. His will is done because all power is given him in Heaven and on earth."

"To say, "Of myself I can do nothing" is to gain all power. And yet it is but a seeming paradox. As God created you, you have all power."

"All power in Heaven and earth is therefore given him and he will share it with you when you have completed yours."

"By teaching the power of the Kingdom of God Himself, He teaches you that ALL POWER IS YOURS."

"All power is given you in earth and Heaven. There is nothing that you cannot do."

"Knowledge is power, and all power is of God. You who have tried to keep power for yourselves, have lost it. You still HAVE the power, but you have interposed so much between it and your AWARENESS of it, that you cannot use it."

"He understands all power in earth and Heaven belongs to him because of who he is."

"They will always be treasured by God, because they belong to His Beloved Sons who belong to Him. All power and glory are yours because the Kingdom is His."

"My mind will always be like yours, because we were created as equals. It was only my DECISION that gave me all power in Heaven and earth."

"But the truth is very simple; ALL POWER IS OF GOD. What is NOT of Him has no power to do ANYTHING."

"Sickness is idolatry, because it is the belief that POWER CAN BE TAKEN FROM YOU. But this is impossible, because you are part of God, Who IS all power."

Complaining is victimhood. And it doesn't work.

Anything that happens, you choose. If you are conscious, you make a conscious choice, with deliberate intent to produce an effect. You cause it, implement it, make it happen and put it in place, because you want to.

"God's teachers choose ... It is a conscious choice.For they have learned that all choices are made consciously, with full awareness of their consequences."

Having done so, you now have produced effects, circumstances and results. Since you know that you put these things there, on purpose, and that you had the power to do so, you would also know that if you so chose, you could abolish these effects just as easily by changing your mind.

"You made sickness and death and therefore can abolish both."

But when you cause something unconsciously or you cause it and then use denial to pretend you didn't cause it, you set yourself up for the basis of victimhood. It now seems that cause must have come from someone or somewhere else. If that's true, and if you didn't seem to have the power to put this situation in place yourself, then it seems to be up to someone else to change their mind and cause the situation to change.

This then leads to the perfect foundation for complaining. In complaint, you now assert that you do not want the effects you ended up with, BUT, you're not willing to admit that you caused them OR that you have the power to change them. You believe someone else had that power. So you now try to manipulate the surrounding environment and its contributors by making a lot of 'noise' about why you don't want the results that have appeared, and why someone else needs to be stepping up to make the changes.

So complaining is victimhood. It's a state where in truth, you WANT the situation to be the way it is, having chosen it, but you are claiming that you don't want it. And it's where you have no actual intention of changing your OWN mind, or causing the situation to change. So the ego is then making a lot of noise about why the situation sucks, is unwanted, isn't agreeable, should be different etc, while unconsciously continuing to choose it, cause it, make it and put it in place. All the while trying to suggest that someone else needs to take some action.

You DO have the freedom and the ability to correct the situation. It is the lack of OWNERSHIP of the causing of the situation, and the perception of yourself has having NO POWER OVER IT, that is the problem. You CAN change any situation. You can heal anything. You are free.

"The Holy Spirit will undo the consequences of my wrong decision if I will let him."

"You who perceive yourself as weak and frail, born but to die, to weep and suffer pain, hear this: All power is given unto you in Earth and Heaven. There is nothing you cannot do."

"The power of decision is our own. Decide but to accept your rightful place as co-creator of the universe, and all you think you made will disappear."

"This holy relationship has the power to heal all pain, regardless of its form."

"Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in any way. There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression. No-one but yourself affects you. There is nothing in the world which has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are."

"As God created you, you have all power."

"The will you share with God has all the power of creation in it."

"By teaching the power of the Kingdom of God Himself, He teaches you that ALL POWER IS YOURS."

"For you have ASKED it be withheld from power to heal all dreams. There is no miracle you cannot have when you DESIRE healing."

"For you HAVE power to save the Son of God because his Father willed that it be so."

"The power of decision is your one remaining freedom as a prisoner of this world."

"he HAS the power to heal and bless all those he looks on"

"The miracle ITSELF is but the witness that you HAVE the power of God in you."

"The power of the Sons of God is operating all the time, because they were created as creators."

"It is you who have the power to dominate all things you see."

"No one can grieve, nor fear, nor think him sick, unless these are the outcomes that he wants. And no one dies without his own consent. Nothing occurs but represents your wish and nothing is omitted that you choose. "

"There is nothing my holiness cannot do."

"There is a place in you where nothing is impossible. "

Ok so.... weird as this will sound... when Holy Spirit does healing with me, it usually entails significant shaking of the body and also movement of body parts. Usually it entails the movement of my head into some kind of seemingly random sequence of positions.

There will be involuntary movements of the arms and legs, tensing of various muscles, vibrations, sometimes quite rapid and intense alternations from side to side, etc.

This morning after He'd done some healing for a while, which involved the movement of my head, I asked Holy Spirit if he could deliberately move my head. After a couple seconds, vibrations/shaking began and my head moved to the right.

I said ok, now move it all the way to the left. After a few seconds, the vibrations/shaking started and my head moved all the way to the left.

Then I said ok, move it to the middle. After a few seconds, the vibrations/shaking started and my head centered. I then asked and received Him moving it again to the left.

Then I thought ok, to finish off, let's move it all the way to the right. This one took several seconds before it began perhaps because I thought that, for me, this would really prove that He was moving my body. And the the vibrations/shaking started, and He moved my head all the way to the right.

Ok... so... pretty interesting. Even though I'd been used to Him moving my body around as part of healing, I hadn't really thought before to ask if He can cause it to move on purpose outside of the healing mode.

So I took it further.

I said to Him ok, can you raise my arm? After a few moments, vibrations/shaking began in my arm, muscles began to tense, and my arm raised up off the bed to over my head.

I said ok, and put it back down again. So he did.

And then I said ok, can you make it point? After a few moments vibrations/shaking again began and muscles tensed and in a somewhat shaky way, he moved it into an outreached "finger pointing" posture.

I thought ok. This is interesting. Let's do one more thing. So I asked Him to raise my leg. A few moments later, the same vibrations/shaking started in my right foot and travelled up my leg, and then my leg began to raise off the bed. It then returned to the bed.

I know this may sound very weird, because it's supernatural. And it may seem unexplained or frightening to some people. But this is happening because I have trust. And I know it is the Holy Spirit.

These things don't happen in a kind of forceful or overpowering way. They happen because the Holy Spirit has a mind and respects free will and because we hold conversations and have developed trust. And therefore I can ask Him to do things and He will do it. And I can ask Him to stop and He will stop. And I can ask Him to resume and He will resume. We work together. It is a live, conscious, dynamic relationship.

I am endeavoring to take my trust in Holy Spirit and Christ to new levels. I know there is more. I explore and discover and try new things. I experiment. This is the kind of openness you need in order to develop this. You have to be willing and interested in exploring what is possible, without fear.

Somewhere in the urtext Jesus says that some things are on a need-to-know basis and they seem to be kept hidden because you don't need to know. And when you develop a need or desire to know, they become revealed to you. Because you are ready for them.

When you see the manifestations or effects of the Holy Spirit, when you experience Him operating on your physical body, or that or another, you come to trust and recognize that He must exist. That he must be there. Because what is happening is beyond your doing.

And so as you see yourself moved by an unseen spirit force and interact with Him and talk to Him and experience direct real-time cooperative interactions, then you develop the knowing that He is there and He is real and He is powerful and He is working with you. And only by doing this do you come to be aware that He is really there.

"You cannot see the Holy Spirit, ***but you can see His manifestations. And unless you do, you will not realize He is there.*** Miracles are His witnesses, and speak for his Presence. What you cannot see becomes real to you only through the witnesses who speak for it. For you can be AWARE of what you cannot see, and it can become compellingly real to you, ***as its presence becomes manifest THROUGH you.*** Do His work, for you SHARE in His function. As your function in Heaven is creation, so your function on earth is healing. God shares His function with you in Heaven, and the Holy Spirit shares His with you on earth."

I see that, in the end, loss is a form of victimhood. It's not something that can happen to an immortal being. It suggests that something valued has been taken away from you against your will, with no hope of getting it back. Like a kind of attack that has happened to steal something away from you. And now you are bereft or lacking that thing.

If, in light of the loss, you then feel "unfairly treated", slighted, offended, hurt, upset, etc... it means you're buying into the ego's view. A sense of identity that can experience losses, a self that can be taken from, a self that is "aggrieved" and has "grieve-ances" because of a seeming "murder" of a body-person that has taken place. It reflects a belief in murder and death and being at the effect of them. The course reminds:

"I am in the likeness of my Creator. I cannot suffer, I cannot experience loss, and I cannot die. I am not a body. I would recognize my reality today. I will worship no idols, nor raise my own self-concepts to replace my Self. I am in the likeness of my Creator. Love created me like Itself." UrW84L2

Who or whatever is suffer a loss, is not part of me, as an immortal being. If I feel that I am in loss or grief, then my sense of identity is misplaced and I believe I am an ego. It means I'm in a mental illness and lack recognition, and must be playing the role of victim.

"Whatever suffers is not part of me. What grieves is not myself. What is in pain is but illusion in my mind. What dies was never living in reality, and did but mock the truth about myself. Now I disown self-concepts and deceits and lies about the holy Son of God. Now am I ready to accept him back as God created him, and as he is." UrW284

I still at times, at present, personally, have grief and loss. This indicates that I am still playing the game of ego and suffering, an identity which is false and am in need of healing. Until I get there, the only solution typically is to feel the loss and grieve the absence and so on. Like people do. But in the big picture, the end-game is clear - the renunciation of an artificial self, that suffers an artificial loss, and wants the very death that it grieves over.

I want to tell you about a way in which I used my persona to destroy myself, and how I am learning to overcome it. This was actually a very very painful long-term lesson, so it is hard to write about.

I grew up as a highly sensitive person, who experienced everything in an intense, overwhelming, overpowering way. In order to try to cope with this, I developed the use of my persona. The persona is the side of the ego split-mind that focuses on specialness, goodness, success, social acceptability, favoritism, pleasantness, etc. So I went very strongly into 'people pleasing'.

What I'd do, quite automatically/unconsciously, was I'd put on this facade, literally a 'false face', where I'd smile a lot, become very quiet, try to appear pleasant, try not to upset anyone, look unthreatening and harmless, as though 'showing this' to people would deflect them and therefore protect me. It was my attempt to be invisible. This included a really intense repression of myself. Basically I was using this to hide my Self.

In any public situation I would put on this persona mask and make it appear that nothing was wrong, that everything was good and normal, nothing to see here, being nice to everyone and don't say a single word, and not get hurt. But there were many times this blew up in my face.

Once I was on a bus heading into town and it stopped at the hospital. A man got on the bus and sat nearby. He said that he had just gotten out of the hospital from his 3rd heart attack. This alone was enough to trigger me to hide myself even more than I already was. So I smiled a lot. He, having just gone through life-changing events, started up a conversation with me, which was horrifying. He saw I was smiling and thought that it meant I was happy, and therefore wanted to know what my 'secret to a happy life' was. This put tremendous extra pressure on me (as I saw it) and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. To do this, I intensified even more this persona of hiding myself, which was an attempt to reject him, smiling even more, being very tight-lipped, and just wanting the ordeal to end. I just became more and more quiet. For some reason I seemed to just do this as an automatic defense that I'd learned.

Once I got off the bus, I was just about ready to hurl. I put so much effort into psychologically rejecting the man, and hiding myself, that I felt literally sick. I reached/retched uncontrollably for several minutes before I could calm down. This put a huge damper on my day and was somewhat traumatic. But this wasn't the only effect of this.

See, when I used my persona to hide my real Self, this wouldn't just mean rejecting the other person, it would mean rejecting me. The more I tried to shut them out, the more I shut myself out. I had no idea I was doing this. But what I did know was how it felt. Absolutely horrible. I would come away from bad experiences like this, which occurred many many times in all kinds of public scenarios, with a feeling of tremendous tension in my head from intense embarrassment/shame/humiliation. I'd get a horrible headache, but even worse, I would feel deeply, deeply, deeply hurt. This hurt was more intense and horrible than ANY other emotion I have ever felt for any reason. Psychologically it was like I had experienced every single form of rejection, abandonment, hurt and pain all at once. The absolute only way to move past this was to have a huge cry.

So, as a result of putting on a persona and pretending to be someone I was not, regardless of whether that fake self seemed to be 'nice' or 'kind' or anything anyone values, the only way I could appear to be literally 'someone else' was to horrendously suppress, deny, reject and abandon myself. I thought I was using separation 'against' other people to separate myself from them in order to protect myself, but this separation did nothing but hurt me.

I also had a huge fear of other people judging me, and a fear of rejection. What I didn't realize was that each time that I tried to put on a persona mask of nice, likable, happy-smiley, quiet or whatever, I was buying into an ego thought system. And by doing that, I was taking a gamble. Either I would 'get' the result I wanted which was that people would be deflected and ignore me and I would pass by 'safely', OR other people would attack me or pressure me in some way and I'd end up suffering. By believing in the potential of being seen to be accepted or liked or pleasing to others, I was also simultaneously believing in the 'potential' that others would judge me. I wanted them to judge me favorably, which would feed my 'goodie goodie' persona, which meant I had to believe in judgement. And because I believed in judgement, I lived in fear of it.

So I thought I had an issue of being afraid of judgement from others. A fear of rejection. And this fear of rejection cycled around in a vicious cycle, compelling me to want to NOT be rejected, and therefore to put on a smiley persona face in order to get other people to not reject or hurt me. But of course that merely put me closer in touch with rejection and judgement, if not by others then much moreso by myself. The amount of rejection I experienced from myself TO myself as a result of self-suppression, was far worse than anything anyone else did. So this strategy really didn't actually work, even though I kept trying to use it, and each time it got worse. Over time I just became more and more uptight and quiet and withdrawn from society, eventually jobless and depressed and deeply unhappy and unable to see a way to be different.

Over time, through various avenues of healing, not least of which was the support by my wife who showed up right when I was at my worst, I gradually have learned about the dynamics of what I do to myself versus what I thought other people were going to do to me. I learned painfully and slowly to see that I only saw other people as 'attacking judging strangers' because *I* had already attacked them first. Through the years of working with A Course in Miracles and various other things I've come to very gradually realize exactly why my use of the persona is completely self-defeating and does not help at all. All the persona does is section off everything I think is wrong with me into a tidy little box and shove it away into the dark recesses of my mind, later to surface as pain and suffering.

Yet, over time I've still held onto a belief that I am mainly afraid of rejection or judgement, rather than realizing that my attempt to use the persona is what actually causes the problem. Every time I try to do what other people would want, or make myself like able, or appease others, or focus on what other people like or would buy, or whether I'd get approval, or showing only the parts of myself that I think are acceptable to others, this AUTOMATICALLY creates a fear of rejection and judgement. Because really, by using the persona (i.e. wanting to feed it by creating a self-image/persona of being pleasing) I am actually already rejecting myself and judging myself. Why would I want to put a facade on myself to cover up my True Self? Why would I want to soften the blow of someone else's attitude by abandoning myself first, so that I then need a defense?

The truth that is starting to reveal itself to me now, is that if I actually just be true to myself, and completely drop all need to use the persona to be 'likable' or 'acceptable to others' or 'what they want' etc, I actually stay in a STRENGTH and a authenticity that empowers me and completely overrides the apparent need, either for a fake persona self, or for a defense against rejection. And so this reveals what really is underneath all this.

If I reject myself FIRST, I will then believe I have to use a false self-image-persona to show other people a version of me that they will like, so that they won't point out how shitty I am. Once i'm in persona mode, I cannot escape the fear of rejection because I've already rejected myself and more will be forthcoming through the projection of it.

So the task in front of me now is, to learn to accept myself fully, to be true to the truth in me, to open up to reveal and expose who I really am, to 'let loose' without any shame or censorship, to stop trying to hide myself for any reason, and to basically 'be myself'. But it also HAS to mean, a willingness to stop putting on a show, to stop presenting myself in a fake way, to stop trying to 'appear' likable, to stop people-pleasing, to stop trying to feed my persona image, to stop trying to get everyone to approve of me, and to just drop that whole pile of horseshit. I only enter into a perception that I need 'protection' when I have already judged myself and have seen myself as vulnerable. I am not vulnerable if I am truth-filled. And I don't need to please anyone.

So the key to FREEDOM in all this, is awakening into Holy Spirit's view of me, in acceptance of the truth of me, and in completely surrendering BOTH the fear of rejection AND the attempt to 'win approval' through the persona. By stopping using a persona this solves every problem that ever arose out of its use. What I thought was helping me was hurting me deeply. And stopping the use of the persona stops the creation of the shadow (pain) as well.

Standing firmly in who I AM, brings all of the certainty, strength, assertiveness, disregard for other's opinions, invulnerability, and empowerment, that seemed to be MISSING when I chose to use the ego. And which could never be fulfilled by using the ego. Because once again, it's a case of seek and do not find. "I don't have to worry about what to say or what to do knowing He goes there with me" - ACIM, i.e. I am in my true self and my true self is completely uninterested in pretense or rejection.

Who knew - trying to please people makes you rejected!!!

Learning to love myself more. Learning to drop the ego more. Learning to be what I am, instead of trying to be something I'm not. And in that, there is no fear.

As we heal others we heal ourselves, and as we heal ourselves we heal others.

"I will heal as I let Him teach me to heal" - ACIM

Just as teaching and learning are the same thing, so does healing apply both to who you think of as a separate you, and who you think of as not you. Healing is the joining of the two into one.

So if we believe in sickness, that sickness is real or that it is really happening, or that there is truth to it, or that it is founded on evidence or real causes that pretend to be the reasons why it is happening, then we must be believing that we also ourselves are sick.

We cannot believe on the one hand that we are not sick while others are sick. Or that sickness is happening to them and not to us. If we believe in sickness, we believe in it period, and it applies everywhere.

This is why we have a vested interest, a shared interest, in bringing healing miracles to others, because as ACIM says, miracles help both the giver and the receiver.

We have to recognize that it is the ego's thought system of separation which convinces us we are not the one who is associated with sickness, and that it is someone else who is separately sick. Or that their sickness somehow belongs only to them and that therefore we want to keep our distance unless it infects us.

Perhaps the person is sick because we believe we are separate from them, and separation is the cause of sickness.

And if they are sick, and if it appears that we are not sick, we still must be sick because in some way we still believe that sickness is real. Only if we are able to overlook sickness in others and recognize their true nature, can we recognize our own true nature.

So either way, we must learn not to be deceived by appearances of sickness in ourselves or in others, equally, and to look past suffering to the truth of causality, cancelling out all of the artificial fake causes which masquerade as reasons why the sickness must exist.

There is no truth other than the truth of God, and in God's reality there can be no sickness. There is no separation. There is only eternal life. All other belief systems of "real sickness" are therefore artificial and untrue. All reactions to real sickness are therefore unfounded. And a failure to extend the truth and thus heal is simply evidence of our own current unwillingness to be healed also.

As you take steps on this healing journey, you will be included in the healing. It is the privilege of the forgiven to forgive, which means, those who have come to accept the atonement for themselves and thus are in a forgiving attitude of Holiness, are also now sharing that healing power with others and are now privileged to resurrect their brothers. To bring all back to the eternal life.

My healing is your healing. Your healing is my healing. We are one.

I never really knew how much my 'mind' seems to think that it has an answer about everything. It can't seem to shut up. I am completely addicted to the belief that "thinking equals knowing". And it's becoming apparent that it will come up with an answer even if it has really no grounds for knowing. And it will share that answer like it's some kind of fact. I go around clucking like a chicken making all these mental noises and thinking that I'm actually speaking truth, when in fact all of the things that come out are just stories and ego-based comments. I'm some kind of babbling idiot.

All of these activities seem to make up a 'me' that I really thought was aware and speaking truth. But everything coming from my ego mind is deception and illusion. In every way possible, my mind is constantly attempting to seek for the truth outside of it, and separate from where truth is.

I realize more and more, that God is the ONLY location of truth. The ego quite literally is running around this world believing 'it' knows everything, when in fact it knows absolutely nothing. It thinks it knows what is true, but it absolutely doesn't know any truth at all because truth is GOD!

The ego is not a faculty of knowing and the ego mind is NOT CAPABLE of knowing anything. All it can do is imagine and think and believe that it can obtain and hold the truth. Yet it is not a faculty of connection to Truth (capital T). It is not a device that can even perceive what the truth really is. It is obsessed with finding partial answers in amongst an absolute minefield of fragmented possibilities, seeking deeply to have the 'intelligence' to 'solve' apparent problems by delving into them even deeper, which makes them worse, and which turns into an exasperatingly frustrating experience of loss and failure.

It relies completely on analysis of the situation. In other words, it has already made everything seem real and now goes into detail trying to explain 'why' whatever is happening is happening. And as it digs for this answer in a swampland of confusion, it always comes up empty handed. It never finds any sense of absolute certainty, although instead it comes up with what it thinks is certainty, which is really, honestly, not complete certainty. And no matter how many times I take this trip with it, even if it comes up with what the world would think of as 'the' answer, it STILL is not the answer.

There is still no sense of completion in the search, no sense of complete acceptance, no sense of finding a truth which encompasses everything so fully that there is no doubt left. It is quite literally incapable of finding such a Total Truth within the realm of partial ideas, partially perceived distorted perceptions, false ideas, cleverly imagined possibilities, carefully explained analysis or any other approach to trying to find truth IN the illusion. All the time this ego mind has been looking for truth outside of it, in everything and everywhere other than in God, believing it is actually POSSIBLE to find truth outside of itself.

All of this activity is geared towards a completely impractical waste of time, to always avoid a real solution or answer, to avoid healing, to ignore God and to shut out the correction which would undo the perception of there being a problem in the first place. The ego is absolutely not interested in truly solving any problems whatsoever, or of really succeeding at finding 'the' answer that gives a satisfying and acceptable explanation for 'what is' (i.e. it is not interested in accepting God). It is only interested in dissecting and studying them deeply, wearing a hat which says "worlds best problem solver" on it. It seeks and does not find, all of the time.

It constantly fails to find a real answer, anywhere, about anything, in spite of the fact that it fervently believes it CAN find an answer, which makes it an obsession. And since the answer can never be found, going looking for it (seeking) always comes up empty handed, frustrated, lost and confused, obsessed over why there 'should' be an answer, and simply not letting go of the total absorption with its own reliance on itself.

Absolutely every ego activity, thought, behavior and process, entirely stems from this ... insane search, which is absolutely guaranteed to fail, because the very thing that would actually conclude the search and bring an answer is the very thing which would inherently UNDO the entire ego. God is the answer and God is the only truth. God is the only place where you will experience a sense of wholeness or completion or a sense of peace at having 'found' something which actually completely SOLVES all problems. And the problem is only solved by rejoining and being one with God/Holy Spirit, which the ego has absolutely no interest in.

The ego would have to SURRENDER, which means stopping searching, stopping seeking, stopping looking for, stopping figuring out, stopping imagining outcomes, stopping trying to control the situation, stopping giving energy to fruitless pointless conceptualizing and storytelling, stopping running away from God, and stopping believing in separation in all its forms. The ego mind is only even in a state of doing things 'on its own' BECAUSE OF the separation from God which gave birth to it. The separation from God was a separation from truth, answers, facts, reality and peace of mind. For the ego to believe it can find any of these things is insanity.

It seems to want to now be in the driver's seat, in charge of running the show, playing God, depending on its own prowess and utilizing its own separate intelligence and intellect to solve aaaaaaaaaall of the problems that have arisen because of its own seeming existence. How can the ego solve its own existence when IT is the problem it's trying to solve? How can it be free of a problem when its attempt to solve it creates it? How can it pursue the truth where it is not, expecting to find it, and have any hope of doing so?

The only truth is God. The only answer is love. The only response to any situation is love. The only sane practical solution is to extend God. The only response to the world is unconditional love. The only practical and wise response to any problem is to HEAL IT NOW through the miracle. And the only way for the problems to all 'go away' is for the EGO to go away. It is our very own ego self, our intellectual mind, our reliance on our separate faculties, and our intent to never surrender to actually ASK GOD FOR THE ANSWER, that ensures we will just keep spinning our wheels in suffering.

The ego will never be the truth. It will never find the truth. It cannot know the truth. And it is not the truth. The ego is FALSE. Your ego self is false.

Your TRUE SELF is in God. The truth is in God. And who you really are is in God. The answer to every problem is in God. The end of suffering is in God. The practical application of healing and correction that truly ANSWERS all problems is in God. And God is all there is.

God did create me. The truth about me is that I am still in the condition He originally created me, having not really changed at all.

God is everywhere in Heaven/Reality. Having created me as His Son in His Image, I am also everywhere. For this to be possible we must SHARE existence, we must overlap. You can think of this like sharing one space, where two beings permeate and occupy the entire space, together.

Since God created many beings, many beings who are everywhere, many beings thus overlap and share existence with God and with each other. Everyone shares in and has full access to everyone's being. Everyone exists WHERE everyone else exists.

The separation idea was nothing other than an attempt to stop sharing existence with others. And since the state of sharing was one of overlap and communion (common-union), this meant the attempt to "withdraw" from or to "isolate" away from the existence that others were sharing in.

In the separation, you took a small fragment of your everywhere-self, and tried to draw a fence around it. The aim was to keep everyone else including God outside of the circle, and to maintain a place inside the circle where they could not share existence with you. The result of this was the sensation that, within the circle, you are "alone", there is ONLY YOU there, and you are now "separated off" from where the others are existing.

This is the idea of the separated self. It is a portion of self which has attempted to not share, which wants special selfish rights, which wants ownership of a small segment of existence, and wants to be different and unlike the rest. To have something that is only for itself, rather than to share with others. And so finds itself having an illusory experience of existing in a place, in a space, where the space it occupies is not occupied by others (spacetime). Where it is alone and distinct within its own walls, where no-one else exists. "Only me" seems to exist there.

And this has resulted in being isolated and confined, imprisoned, inside a wall of flesh, which is the idea of sin, which is the body. The body symbolizes the separation and is a separation device, keeping the rest of you and creation out, and isolating you within.

From "inside" your body, you then have an experience that you are "the only one" who is inhabiting it. That you are in there alone. That your brothers do not share the insides with you, and that God is not in you either. And so now you are alone and lonely, as if exiled from Heaven, and as if you are now "a separate self" who no longer is communing with the rest. The body defends against the entire universe, so that you can pretend to exist in a "space" where God is not. Spacetime's entire purpose is to facilitate this illusion of separation.

The walls around the mind, which take on the form of a body, are nothing but thoughts and ideas of separation and sin. They are attempts to make manifest "blocks" which separate you from the whole and keep the whole out of your inner self. It is also an attempt to split you off from the rest of your Christ Self, which is everywhere "except" inside your body. Everything outside of you is the rest of your self, which you have separated from, using the body walls. The body itself, as the symbol of separation, "comes between", you and the rest of you, and between you and brothers/God.

These walls, the separation itself, the gap, and the body, which is a symbol of the ego, forms an alternative illusion of an identity. This identity, the body-identity, seems to substitute for, and block, and split, your real identity. The more you try to prove you are not sharing with the universe, the more you will "foster separation and induce illness." The body will then become sick in an attempt to strengthen the idea of separation and imprisonment even further. The final protest is the killing of the body in death, where the mind is attempting to completely sever the small portion of mind, in the body, from the rest of existence entirely. Death is the attempt to destroy the Son of God.

Now, when you are being yourself as God created you, you are unlimited. You are being yourself. When you go into the ego separation idea, you start to deny and reject yourself, and so are no longer being yourself. You instead are now trying to be something you are not. And this "something you are not" takes the form of the body. "The body is the idea of what you THINK you are". The ego illusion, which now seems to be "a self you made" when you came into the dream, is a secondary self that pretends to stand-in for your real self. The more the ego is emphasized, the more this artificial "not myself" self-image body-image is focused on. And so now you have "made up a self", an ego, which you think is all of you, is your identity, and causes you to be unaware of your REAL SELF.

The result then is that the more you try NOT to be yourself as God created you, the more you become ego, body identified, and sick. And the result of this is twofold. 1) The ego seems to increase thus "strengthening" the ILLUSION that you "have a separate self", and 2) you become LESS of yourself and thus reduce down and limit yourself more and more until there is death. Therefore, death is not really the idea that you are "being a separate self". Death is the idea that you are trying NOT TO EXIST AT ALL. To not HAVE a self of any kind. It is the total denial of yourself and the attempt to destroy God's son.

Therefore, when you awaken, you are not awakening to the loss of yourself. You are returning to HAVING a self, BEING your self, KNOWING THYSELF, and returning to an awareness that you are STILL as God created you in Heaven. You expand your sense of self/identity, you be authentically true to your God-given nature, you heal the separation of the split mind, and you stop trying to be something you are not. The separation ITSELF is undone, and thus the body which was IN THE GAP is closed up and removed, and thus the false self disappears REVEALING who you really are.

It is only the artificial body walls and images that disappear. It is only the ILLUSION of becoming "something you are not" or "who you think you are" that disappears. It is only the denial, self attack, blocks to awareness, and artificial senses of identity that are removed and undone and let go. NOT YOUR SELF. Your identification shifts to spirit identification. You remember your soul.

You lift these things away so that you can see who and what YOU really are, as a child of God, a soul. Awakening is the return to the awareness of God's presence, AND YOUR PRESENCE, as a spiritual being. The true self. Your real self. The self that DOES EXIST. The self that GOD GAVE YOU. Your God-given eternally living soul, which no illusion can ever take from you. And which does not die NOR disappear when you wake up - totally the opposite in fact. Fear not that awakening means the death of you, it means the LIFE OF YOU.

You do not awaken to "no self". No self is the idea of DEATH. You awaken to HAVING a FULL SELF. As your FULL self, you are everywhere, sharing everything with God and with all your brothers in Heaven forever. ONLY the ego "dies". ONLY the ego disappears. The WALLS that fenced you in and made you alone, are lifted away. You are reunited with the Sonship. You return to oneness and sharing. And you allow yourself to SHARE YOUR SELF with other selves again. You expose yourself, you become visible, and you commune with God. You let God in, you share space with Him and His creations, and return to communing with the creations of light.

"The ego is the idea of selfishness. The soul is the idea of self fullness."

"The Kingdom of God includes all his children, and their creations."