It may seem at first that all events in this world are random, sometimes negative, difficult, cruel and should not be happening. We try to avoid some events and promote others. We want the bad stuff to go away and escape into only the good stuff, to prolong the good stuff as long as possible and have some sense of control.

But one thing that has become glaringly obvious to me in recent weeks of turmoil and trust-development, is that there absolutely is a higher plan whose reach spans everything that happens here, including the timing of meetings between individuals and groups and everything that occurs.

The plan of atonement, or the universal curriculum, orchestrates all events, encounters and occurrences. "Those who are to meet will meet". The Holy Spirit has laid out this plan, and it includes both what seem to be positive and negative events, or rather, the re-purposing of them for awakening.

"What could you not accept, if you but knew that ***everything which happens***, ***all events***, past, present and to come, ***are gently planned by One*** Whose only purpose is your good? Perhaps you have misunderstood His plan, for He would never offer pain to you. But your defenses did not let you see His loving blessing shine in every step you ever took. While you made plans for death, He led you gently to Eternal life."

We are willing to endure "trials" and "lessons" only because, in the much bigger long-term picture, we know that the outcome of these, when we elect to learn the curriculum of truth, brings us closer to God. No one in their right mind would deliberately choose to endure suffering and difficulty, except if they knew that such things would educate them and eventually persuade them towards a better way.

"***Trials are but lessons which you failed to learn*** presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain which what you chose before has brought to you. ***In every difficulty, all distress, and each perplexity you face***, Christ calls to you, and gently says, "My brother, choose again." He would not leave one source of pain unhealed, nor any image left to veil the truth. He would remove all misery from you whom God created alters unto joy. He would not leave you comfortless, alone in dreams of hell, but would release your minds from everything that hides His Face from you."

This world is not a collection of random occurrences. I see it now more as a winding, twisting dream sequence, with threads of stories and encounters and happenings, where designated people are supposed to be exactly where they are, where environments and events transpire on purpose to present lessons, in the hope that we will use these situations with the Holy Spirit towards the goal of awakening rather than as a way to strengthen our belief in hell. The world is just one big school of classrooms in which to unlearn the lies of the ego. And all of this is planned, somewhat like a form of voluntary destiny.

Before our lifetime we consent to various such classrooms. We may agree upon a body, a family, a location, a lifestyle. We may even agree that certain physical problems arise at certain times, seemingly triggered by certain events. But we have to realize that behind these seemingly random events, such as a car-crash for example, there is orchestration. There is purpose. It is meant to happen, because these trials need to be revisited so that certain stimuli will be presented to offer an opportunity for spiritual growth. And we sign on the dotted line to say, ok, I will be willing to go through all this if it will lead me closer home to God.

Sometimes really awful stuff happens. If a person is in a car crash and even perhaps dies for a while, perhaps this is to facilitate that they can visit Heaven, be healed, be restored and enlightened to some degree, so that upon returning they are a new person and live in a new way, making possible new avenues of expression and help. We might think some things happening are horrendous and cruel but when it's part of a much bigger plan, even the most awful of occurrences might well be divinely intended, not to cause suffering but to create circumstances and consequences that are ultimately beneficial spiritually.

In the really big picture, everything that happens here is entirely designed and repurposed as a tool to bring you home. The whole world is one big rescue mission, gently trying to get us to become willing to see sense and let go of our ego toys. God has protected us and is using space and time to present a curriculum that applies to all entities here, using scripts and events to present lessons that we agree to, so that we will gradually learn of the truth and awaken from our sleep.

We would only be willing to go through difficulties if we knew that it was in fact a purposeful lesson, and one which would point us eventually in the direction of love and happiness. Lessons that make us grow and present opportunities for forgiveness. We learn by applying the truth and forgiving what seems to occur, which in turn collapses periods of time and scripts that we no longer need.

The appearance that events and encounters and meetings are entirely at random is complete fiction. The Holy Spirit has control over all of this, with his plan for salvation. As you atune to this plan and trust it rather than fight against events, it becomes more obvious that He speaks through a variety of persons, He works through a variety of happenings, and that regardless of surface chance, some things simply are meant to happen a certain way, and will, by His will.

How else could we develop trust than if it were true that there is a plan to trust in, an ability of the Holy Spirit and God to guide and direct what transpires, and not just some chaotic random mishmash of cruelty and crime that we keep trying to escape. To trust in the plan is to learn the curriculum. To overlook the chaos and see the order is forgiveness. Everything happening here is an intricate symphony of education and opportunities to choose once again. And all of it continually points us towards reunion with God.

Another ego trap with forgiveness is believing that you need to be at peace regardless of what's going on in life. While this might ultimately be the goal, meanwhile the things that happen in life are there because they are lessons.

They're not just happening at random. Each of us has a curriculum. That means, whatever point you are at right now in your spiritual path, which is extremely unique to you, and whatever you are experiencing now, there are certain things you are going to have to learn or discover in order to move forward.

And the way that you learn those things is that you have learning experiences, ie lessons. And usually these lessons are things that you seem to NOT WANT. And so a great big steaming SHIT comes along in your life and dumps itself on your foot and you just go about trying to shake it off, but it's really trying to help you wake up.

There is something involved in your interaction with the shit and how you deal with it and look at it and experience it, which is going to bring stuff up for you, trigger you, and cause you to have certain kinds of perceptions and thoughts and ideas. And you might not have had those if it were not for this stimuli. But before you just try to get rid of the shit for coming along to disturb you, realize that this is actually an opportunity to grow and heal and become more awake spiritually.

So you don't necessarily want to be in the business of making life SEEM to be like it doesn't have anything upsetting happening, or that it's just one big smooth ride, because that can be a form of denial, avoidance, and disassociation. And it can keep you stuck. Not saying you have to suffer willingly, but willingly is better than unwillingly, lol

Anyway... so ... forgiveness isn't about avoiding bad stuff. And it isn't just about transcending it and being at peace about it. The bad stuff is there FOR A REASON, because its a lesson in the curriculum, and you not only need it but have asked for it. And that's why it's come. Because you are ready for it. And now you need to learn a lesson from it. And if you don't learn it this time, it will come back again. You don't have a choice in that.

Be aware that the ego, especially the persona part of the ego, wants to get rid of all bad stuff and create an ILLUSION OF BLISS, which really plays into the idea that "ignorance is bliss", because in ignorance ie unconsciousness, you think you don't have any issues because you're in incredible denial. You don't want that. You don't really want a life of total ease and an easy ride, at least not until you genuinely have woken up all the way and don't have any curriculum left. Then it's truly plain sailing.

So 'doing forgiveness' should not be about making bad stuff go away, even though that's what most of us use it for most of the time. It's really to help you learn lessons and to undo what you have taught yourself already, which is mistaken. It is unlearning, which is how lessons are completed - the question is unlearned to reveal the answer. There was no problem until the answer became obscured by the separation, see.

Another word for forgiveness is "honesty". It's to do with admitting to the truth and being clear about what the truth is. This entails surrendering of the ego's motivations and lies and owning up to responsibility and authenticity. But it's also an honesty that goes beyond appearances, physical events, what it looks like happened or who seemed to be the cause. Because, in all honesty, such "truth" is not the truth.

If you are in the middle of some ego tangle, upset emotions flying all over the place, believing that it's caused by someone or something other than yourself, then you're not really being honest. To be honest you'll have to really take a good look at what you're doing any why, and if you can discern and see what it is you're doing, you will have to admit to yourself that you've been deceiving yourself.

A big part of the problem of how to forgive, is that when you're in the middle of a dramatic story you're really quite lost. You've lost track of clarity. You've lost sight of what the truth is. You're deluded and distracted by something big and ominous which *seems* to be the problem but really isn't.

You've pinned the blame or cause for this story onto something that isn't the cause of it. You generally aren't seeing clearly. There's so much going on and so many things which seem to mean something, that it's just all very confusing. This confusion essentially is dishonesty because you've lost touch with the truth and are defending evidence of that which is false.

So really, if you have no other practice, it would be useful to remind yourself from time to time, that you need to get HONEST as quickly as you can. And this honesty involves questioning what you've been doing, how you've been perceiving, what you've been believing, and all the "truth" that you made up that hasn't come from God.

Honesty shines a light to help you see clearly and puts everything into its proper place. It's admitting to what's really happening, admitting to how you feel, admitting to what you're experiencing and admitting to what's really causing it.

When you're upset and its because someone else did something or didn't do something correctly, it's because you've disowned responsibility and are projecting guilt, which is a dishonest act. It's not the other person's guilt or sin. You're passing your sin off onto them and believing they're the cause of it. This is dishonest. It's deceptive.

The person who stands to gain from your honesty is yourself. Owning up to the truth sets you free, aligns your mind to the truth, clarifies what is happening in the situation and helps you to see correctly. When you can see correctly and clearly you get back in touch with the experience that, in truth, you are perfectly happy and at peace and free of all ego suffering.

Honesty is not good for the ego. It's not good for the part of you that wants to keep a story going. It's not good for the part that wants to control and blame and manipulate. It's not good for maintaining a cover or keeping up appearances or putting on a face/persona. It's means revealing what is real, and that means there can be no cover-up.

Where are you being dishonest with yourself, what do you need to own up to and admit to, and are you willing to surrender your support for maintaining lies that are only bringing you suffering?

An idea that keeps coming back to me lately is that everything that's happening in the world is absolutely chosen, deliberate and intentional. It's the idea that we're all powerful creators, powerful choosers, and we simply keep on making poor decisions. We keep making, i.e. creating, mistakes.

I keep seeing this idea of everything flowing outward from us, of everything coming from us, and absolutely nothing happening to us from the outside. Only the stuff that we broadcast gets projected out there. So it's all us, 100%... whatever we dream up we manifest, and we put out there in the dream.

In this idea there is absolutely nothing happening in the opposite direction. There is nothing flowing inward from outside. There's nothing happening to anyone. There's nobody doing anything to anyone. There's only stuff coming out from you. So you are the source of everything. You shine like a light, you radiate reality, you extend your self.

So in this idea, it's not at all got anything to do with bad stuff happening to anyone or people being victims or stuff seeming unfair or random chaos or bad luck or anything like that. There's only people choosing, choosing, choosing, choosing, choosing all the time. Broadcasting, extending, projecting, shining, outward outward outward. That's all that's going on behind the illusion of appearances.

It's all coming from a high place and going out. And there is no going in. But the thing is we keep choosing mistakes. We keep literally 'making' mistakes. We keep making situations which look like examples of not choosing. We keep making situations where it seems like we're victimized. We keep making situations where it's set up to look like stuff is happening that we're not choosing, even though we're choosing that too. We're pretty clever at choosing, that we can even choose what seems like complete opposite of having a choice. We can put on a really great show and everyone will fall for it, thinking that we really didn't choose this. Fooled you though.

All is choice.

So really it's just that we keep pushing ourselves off the horse. We keep tipping the bike over. We keep crashing the car. We keep steering badly. We keep making these choices for having no choice. We keep deciding to seem to not be deciding. And we keep wanting to not want stuff. But at all times, absolutely all times, we are still in touch with that freedom of choice.

AND we can choose again at any time. AND we can become so pure and clear in our choosing that we stop choosing mistakes and only choose things which reflect the totality of our freedom and choice. We choose choosing. We align with alignment. We stay on the bike and stop inventing stories about how someone else made us swerve and hit a fence. It's all coming from us.

This is the divine 'play', if you will. The big story. The cover-up. The performance, which the Son of God is playing at over and over. Experimenting with death, even though He can't die. Toying with destruction, even though He is always creative. Pretending to not be Himself. Avoiding having His cover blown. But eventually He'll give up the toys and simply return to a state where He doesn't make these mistaken choices on His own, and simply admits that this is all a big farce. That it's not really real, and that it's always been just an illusion that stuff happened against His will. It's not really true, is it.

It's not REALLY possible to choose to be void of choice. Its not really possible to die. It's not really possible to have other people choose for you. It's not really possible for other people to be responsible for what you experience. It's not really possible to have stuff happen to you. That's what we need to own up to and admit to. The power of our choice. The absolute unshakeable FREEDOM that we always have and always will.

So what are we going to choose today? Are we going to choose the illusion of having no choice? Are we going choose to seem like we have no say, that we're powerless? Or are we going to choose to admit to eternal life, to God's Will, and to absolute divine immortality? Because that's the truth of what we are, behind these ego facades of victimhood and stuff happening on its own.

Can you feel the sheer POWER of being the chooser of everything? And guess what happens when you admit to choosing everything? You choose EVERYTHINGNESS - i.e. God.

Choose again.

Identity is completely tied to how much awareness you have.

Everyone believes that "all of their self" is defined by what they are aware of.

When you look within, whatever you are aware of as being within yourself, you will regard that as all of you. If you do not see yourself causing or choosing things to happen, you will believe you did not do it.

It doesn't matter how much awareness you have, either.

You could have a tiny amount of awareness, a very limited sense of consciousness, and would still regard whatever you are aware of as all of yourself.

But what happens when you take away some blocks to awareness and you become aware of some part of you that you didn't even know was there.

Your sense of self expands.

Who and what you are, is tied to, what you are aware of.

As blocks to awareness are removed, your identity changes. Your sense of who and what you are transitions from an isolated, limited, small little being, to a grand, expansive, unlimited and immortal being of light.

It's kind of like russian dolls. If you were inside the smallest russian doll in the middle of the stack, you would not be aware of much. As each layer is removed from the inside out, your sense of "what is there" or what is present, increases. Eventually all limitations are removed.

Your self does not actually expand, as such. Rather, you are already unlimited and infinite and omnipresent, because you are Created by God to be so.

Rather, you have placed severe limiting devices on your awareness and it has seemed to "narrow down" your sense of what you encompass. This is the idea of "littleness". You have tried to make yourself very small and limited. And you did this by adding blocks to awareness, so that you would not be aware of all that there is to you.

So as you lift away these artificial blocks, you find yourself (literally). You find more of yourself. More of what there is to you. More power, more choice, more freedom, more will, more responsibility, more causality, more love. Your identity increases. "You" seem to expand because your notion of self is having its limits removed.

As limitations are removed, you may even experience this as though your identity is being threatened and that you are dying.

You may have experienced this for example when you make a big life change and move to live in a new location or city. When many things change, aspects of you which had formed your identity, based on limitations, are shaken up in a big way. You can start to feel overwhelmed by all the new stimuli, behaviors and habits and patterns which are no longer supported start to break down, and you can start to experience a quite strong sense that you are falling apart and "dying".

This is really that the old sense of who you were, your limited self, is being broken down and the limitations themselves are being recognized for what they are. Rather than thought of as defining you, you're learning from a larger perspective that these things are not really a part of your identity. And so they seem to have to be let go, which the ego - who wants to cling to these as "identity", experiences as loss or death. I have experienced this a few times when we moved to a new city and I did not know why I felt like everything was falling apart.

Nevertheless, this gives way to an actual increase in identity, a removal of limitations, a freeing-up of borders and boundaries, and a sense of rising up to a higher level. You are becoming more of yourself and are opening up to awareness of discovering things about yourself that you did not even know were there. Choices and powers that you have that were hidden. Things you have the freedom and power to cause which you forgot you even had.

Eventually when you remove all blocks to awareness your unlimited underlying identity will be revealed. There is really no limit to who and what you are, buried beneath these blocks. So when you finally realize that you literally are unlimited, your identity now shifts away from littleness to the most magnificent expansive beingness. Your true identity as God's Son.

Sometimes, although we don't want anyone to suffer, and God does not will anyone suffer, ... .sometimes someone going through a "thing", a hardship, a suffering, is actually consentual and beneficial to the person.

There can be a great compulsion to stop it, solve it, take it away, make it better, avoid it, etc.... we are VERY avoidant of any threat to us. But in the big picture, these "trials" as they say are actually "lessons", which we've sort of agreed to go through in order to grow spiritually.

If we are in the business of just taking away everyone's troubles all the time, we might actually be denying them a tremendous opportunity for advancement.

How do we know that, perhaps a person becoming an alcoholic and hitting rock bottom could actually lead to them becoming a powerful advocate for healthy living and helping others to escape from it?

Or that, someone going through a horrible nightmarish experience of sickness might actually lead to new perspectives and opportunities and maybe even a new future career that ends up helping a lot of people? We have to be careful not to think always in such short-term aims, and look instead to what the purpose is in the LONG TERM plan of atonement.

Very often the things you go through give you a lot of wisdom and insight and personal experience, which "equips you" in a sense with perspectives and abilities and compassion for others who might go through something similar. And then you might find yourself using that to be helpful to them down the line.

You might for example have elected to be a really great therapist or something and, in order to do so, wanted to first-hand go through some horrible abuse situation which you had to experience and work through and heal, in order to find a way out, in order to become able to help others to find a way out. And without that, you might not have been able to be useful in that way, for the higher purposes of the atonement plan.

On an earthly level we often interpret any bad thing as bad and wrong and to make it stop. We insulate ourselves from problems and sufferings. We label all unpleasant things as unwanted. We try to make an idyllic life, comfortable and controlled, to shut out the chaos.

But in the big picture of the soul we come here to learn lessons, to grow, to advance towards God. The importance of returning to God in the long term, across even lifetimes, may be so significant that we would be willing to even go through hell and back if it meant we would find a way to rise above it when pushed to our limits.

A person might actually on a higher level be willing to go through tremendously difficult lessons because, in the big picture, they know what it is leading to. The potential for major spiritual growth. An opportunity to see the other side of a situation. The purpose of finding a different way to relate to others etc.

It's not like, God is there saying, you must suffer and I want you to go have a horrible disfigurement just so that you can learn, or some kind of cruel karmic punishment scenario. But because we have chosen to go away from God and into ego, we "need" lessons to help us to return to him. And that means we have beliefs that need undoing, and attitudes that need correction.

So we then find that the atonement plan is set up to use our "faults" and our unwillingness and our biases and blind spots and so on, as "lessons", which may appear at first like horrible trials and difficult challenges, in order to try to find a "better way". To find a way to make a better choice in that scenario so that in future we don't need to go through something like that. Or rather, that we stop making those kinds of forms of suffering because we've learned that they are ultimately not in our best interests.

So in general we can't be quick to judge whether something is a good thing or not. The most horrible looking through could well be very much consensual and very much asked for. If the soul knows that there is the POTENTIAL for massive growth and learning, it may in fact be WILLING on a deep level to suffer the most horrendous difficult challenges, because it knows that the payoff may be really really worth it.

So hats off to all you people who are and have gone through horrible states of hell and nightmares and abuses and victimhood and all manner of pain and misery. Because it may well indicate not that it was just some thing that "was not meant to happen" but rather, something that you consented to and were WILLING to experience because it would potentially have tremendous spiritual benefits.

No sane person in their right mind would want to choose any such trial or difficulty, but it's because we're NOT in our right minds that we DO choose these things, and the holy spirit REPURPOSES these things, in an effort to use them productively and constructively, to help us to make the best of it, so that it isn't all for nothing and a waste of time.

This is a more FORGIVING view of suffering, because it reframes it as potentially beneficial when used for a higher purpose. Instead of focusing on the thing itself through false perception, labelling it a dark and wrong and unwanted. We can USE anything for the purpose of becoming closer to God, and that's what all these "trials" are all about.

"What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything which happens, all events, past, present and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good? Perhaps you have misunderstood His plan, for He would never offer pain to you. But your defenses did not let you see His loving blessing shine in every step you ever took. While you made plans for death, He led you gently to Eternal Life." UrW139L19

"Trials are but lessons which you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain which what you chose before has brought to you." UrT31H2

"The misuse of will engenders a situation which, in the extreme, becomes altogether intolerable. Pain thresholds can be high, but they are not limitless. Eventually, everybody begins to recognize, however dimly, that there MUST be a better way. As this recognition is more firmly established, it becomes a perceptual turning-point." UrT2B69

"In every difficulty, all distress, and each perplexity you face Christ calls to you, and gently says, "My brother, choose again." He would not leave one source of pain unhealed, nor any image left to veil the truth. He would remove all misery from you whom God created altars unto joy. He would not leave you comfortless, alone in dreams of hell, but would release your minds from everything that hides His Face from you. His holiness is yours because He is the ONLY power that is real in you. His strength is yours because He is the Self that God created as His ONLY Son. The images you make can not prevail against what God Himself would have you be." UrT31H3

"Some of your greatest advances YOU have judged as failures, and some of your deepest retreats YOU have evaluated as success." UrT18F1

"There IS no choice where every end is sure. Perhaps you would prefer to try them all, before you REALLY learn they are but one. The roads this world can offer seem to be quite large in number, but the time must come when everyone begins to see how like they are to one another. Men have died on seeing this, because they saw no way EXCEPT the pathways offered by the world. And, learning THEY led nowhere, lost their hope. And yet this was the time they COULD have learned their greatest lesson. All must reach this point, and go BEYOND it. It is true indeed there is no choice at all within the world. But this is NOT the lesson in itself. The lesson has a PURPOSE, and in THIS you come to understand what it is FOR." UrT31D3

"Temptation has one lesson it would teach, in all its forms, wherever it occurs. It would persuade the holy Son of God he is a body, born in what must die, unable to escape its frailty, and bound by what it orders him to feel. It sets the limits on what he can do; its power is the only strength he has; his grasp cannot exceed its tiny reach. Would you BE this, if Christ appeared to you in all His glory, asking you but this, "Choose once again if you would take your place among the Saviors of the world, or would remain in hell, and hold your brothers there." For He HAS come, and He IS asking this."

Temptation is quite a big thing. The entire world was made as a temptation. There is an ACIM quote that says exactly that but I couldn't find it. What does it tempt you to do or believe? In and of itself it is nothing but it has the "potential", if you are not vigilant for reality, to seemingly coerce you into believing that something is true that is not. That something is real or happening that is not.

This was the purpose of the world you made. It was designed not only to shut God out but to also tempt you, taunt you, suggest to you, and to try to convince you, that some things are true and real which are not. In your "susceptibility" to temptation you fall for these illusions, these tricks, these deceptions, and believe in them. Only by not believing in them are you able to overlook the temptation and not be caught in it, which is forgiveness. To forgive is to overlook temptation.

So often we are tempted to believe something based merely on its seeming presence in the world. Someone's body seems sick. Something bad seemed to happen. Something went wrong. Whatever it is, it's a temptation. You are being tempted by "the ego" to believe lies and illusions. Your body's sense are stimulated by these sources of temptation all the time. Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, tactile inputs, all designed to suggest to you "something is there", "something is real", "something is happening".

When you ARE being tempted and have fallen for it, and you are in this heavily tempted ego unconscious state where you are just on autopilot believing the world is real, there isn't a significant seeming contrast between what's happening and reality. But as you start to step back from illusions and question the world's bullshit, a growing contrast arises between what appears in front of your face, and what is true.

And then you'll start to feel challenged or caught between.... do I believe what my senses are telling me and buy into the disaster and believe the sickness and go along with the magic and fall for the fear-inducing hell, or do I circumvent all of that, disbelieve it, seek the Holy Spirit and try to find a way to forgive and undo and perform a miracle, which completely flies in the face of the entire planet, goes against the grain, seems totally contradictory and seems almost crazy to even contemplate? Do you put your trust in a truth which is unseen and a possibility that the entire world testifies is impossible? And this then is all to do with overcoming an order of difficulty in miracles.

You are tempted to believe that the world is filled with difficulty, of all different levels, and that it's even difficult to change or correct even a tiny thing, yet alone a big thing. This has to be disbelieved. Not fallen for. Cancelled. The whole world is a lie. How will you stand in the face of a lie and not believe it, when the whole world is screaming for you to believe it? To know better. To recognize the world is an illusion, unreal, untrue, false, completely bullshit. While you're in it. Immersed in the lying. Immersed in the stimulation and temptation.

"Teachers of God choose to look upon dreams a while..... they are not deceived by what they see."

While you are believing that your ego is your real self, and as you attempt to do something about this to wake up spiritually, you're going to be pulling that ego self along for the ride.

It does not want to come along for the ride and can't. Its way of perceiving, which you have made your own, must see the approach towards truth and God as dangerous. Your attempt to expose your "self" to the truth will be seen as an attack, and is highly offensive.

This is why every time you (ie your ego-aligned self) tries to allow some light in or tries to become more spiritual, you inevitably find this strong voice emerges in you which retaliates. You have this big ego rebound where you feel all hurt and afraid and abused, as though someone just told you that you don't exist and aren't worth anything.

Your alignment with the ego while simultaneously trying to wake up from it, makes you try to wake up WITH it, and thus to wake IT up. But it cannot awaken. It is purely a device for separation and is illusory. It doesn't have a life of its own without your support.

When you try to pull it towards the truth or transform it, which produces the "spiritualized ego", you might well create an illusion or persona of looking and acting "like" someone who would be spiritual. But deep down you will have this part of you that deeply mistrusts and is threatened by what you are trying to do. Like a hurt child, that part of you will attack the part of you that's trying to pull it into the light.

Over time I've seen how personally I attempted to become more spiritual, for example by writing things which seemed as spiritual as possible. And it produced a lot of backlash for the "rest" of me that was still identified with the ego and didn't want to wake up.

When I was writing my first book, I really believed that I was opening up to light and truth and it was powerful and healing, BUT at the same time it was very painful. I felt like I was flogging myself to death, or sacrificing, or attempting to push myself to the brink of tolerance. I had a lot of ego rebounds.

Partly I felt that I was approaching truth more but there was a big chunk of me that was still holding on tightly to the false idea that I was the ego, and was trying to change "it" into something more spiritual. It could not change and did not want to and saw my attempts as deeply hurtful. And so because I was aligned with that, I experienced deep hurt along with it. I kept trying to be more spiritual in my persona.

While you're "seeking" for spiritual truth this is pretty much a given that this is going to be your experience. So long as you believe you are the ego self, that part of you is not going to like or want or believe in or see sense in the truth. It is going to be threatened by it, offended by it, hurt by it, it's going to take it to mean things it doesn't really mean, and because the truth proves that the ego does not exist, your alignment with ego is going to imply you do not exist. And that's just going to scare the shit out of you.

Gradually over time, making all of these mistakes, yearning to be closer to God, willing to push my "self" (idea of self) towards the truth, and going through endless rebounds, I think I've gradually lessened the belief I have in the ego.

Letting the ego GO is really the only way to become "more spiritual". It's not through changing it at all. It's not through making it more spiritual. The only way to be free is to be free of IT, which means your sense of who you are, your identity, your definition of self, MUST shift from ego to your Higher Self, or Holy Spirit (right mind etc).

The ego can't shift there with you. If you try to take your ego self there and pretend that you're doing it, you will just enact the ego's bungie cord. Like an elastic band it will just pull "you" right back to its territory, and the more you are trying to pull it away from its territory the stronger the rebound is going to be.

This is exactly what produces reincarnation - the attempt to get out of the world without really letting it go, elasticly brings you right back into it because you still belive you are made of it. Exposing ego to too much light will burn it, and with you believing it is yourself YOU will experience that suffering, and you will flee from the light right back into the body.

Gradually, we have to let the ego identity go and awaken FROM it to realize that it is not who or what we are. Everything it perceives is not our real perception. Everything it believes about itself cannot be what we believe about ourselves. Everything it trusts in cannot be what we trust. We have placed our faith in it and are attached to it. We have to let go and "surrender" its position to make room for God.

Waking up is painful. If we could see the areas where we believe in the ego and could simply gently relax and let go of them without adding threat to them or making them confused that we're trying to imply things which are not true or real to it, then perhaps we can awaken more gently. But that kind of ability probably only comes from a more awakened self that is able to discern lovingly. In the midst of the ego we rarely have such clarity and compassion and tend to step on our own toes all the time.

Often when I become more aware of truth and want to really "get it quickly", which can also be spurred by the ego because it knows that if you "do a lot of course" you will have such a reaction to it that maybe you'll stop doing it, using it to attack you, I'll just do too much too quickly. I will have deep emotional releases and become overwhelmed. It will also become frightening.

When I started to see that sin was not real and that it could only be my belief that I sinned that is keeping me from God, I went looking for the sin in me to try to undo it all, and that was simply too much at once. I spazzed-out for a few days and it was not at all pleasant. I had to stop and take it slower. Baby steps.

There are also times where I write about the Course a lot and maybe go into overdrive and am writing several times a day, and it all seems so wonderful and truthful and inspiring but then comes the parts of me that are still holding onto lies and they fly up into my awareness like a slap in the face. How DARE you claim that that's true! How COULD you believe that! Stop it!

By all means take a big leap if you are genuinely ready and can do so without the huge ego backlash, but otherwise, take your time and be gentle on yourself. Take a break.

The Course uses the term "Sons" 82 times.

The Course uses the term "children" to refer to the "children of God" 42 times.

The term "Sonship" is used 104 times.

The course also uses the term "parts", "minds", "aspects", "extensions", "channels", "brothers", "God's thoughts", "souls", and more, on multiple occasions.

All of these are plural. There are HUNDREDS of references to the fact that God created MANY SONS. Many extensions, many minds, many souls, many parts/aspects of the sonship.

The sonship having multiple parts does NOT mean the parts are separate, or separated by bodies, or estranged from each other by illusions of ego, or illusions of multiplicity, or any other form of separation that we would recognize as separation.

The sonship, in Heaven, in its entirety, experienced all simultaneously by God, is often referred to as "THE Son of God" or the "One Son". This does NOT erase or cancel out the fact that God created MANY Sons. It is simply talking about how ALL of the Sons are capable of SHARING equally, how they experience a Oneness with all parts of God's creation.

Oneness does not mean... one big blob. If it did, God would not have ANY SONS. Not even ONE. If God is oneness, then there is not even a Son of God. Clearly that would be severely against the Course's teaching. It does not teach that there is "no son". In fact, it teaches that because of what it is, LOVE MUST EXTEND and be shared, and it must CREATE, and the natural result of that is the creation of AT LEAST one Son. And the Course has explained that there are MANY, MANY, MANY Sons, many minds, many souls, which GOD CREATED, and which are whole in and of themselves.

The problem our ego minds have, is that we can't get our head around this idea:

There are many sons, who are simultaneously ONE, and who experience oneness, and are each a whole, and yet also are part of a combined whole, yet each is still an individual will free will. .... The ego has NO WAY to understand how that makes sense or is possible, especially when it considers any HINT of "separation" or "multiple" to mean... some kind of ego concept.

That we can't understand logically HOW this makes sense, or how it is possible, or what it means, does not mean it is lying to us. The Course is not lying to us. This is simply one area that the ego cannot easily get its head around. The ego cannot understand oneness. So to dismiss is on grounds of EGO LOGIC, which arrives at a false conclusion here, is a mistake.

"But how can God have multiple Sons if Oneness is a single thing" ..... this is the same question as, "How could the tiny mad idea happen". The ego is asking. The ego wants to figure it out. The ego thinks that it is capable of seeing WITHOUT separation, and that when it LOOKS AT the Sonship - the multiple Sons of God one with each other, it is CAPABLE of seeing the truth. It can't. When the ego looks at Oneness, ALL IT SEES IS SEPARATION. It will never be able to SEE the oneness of the sonship at the same time as recognizing that God created MANY SONS WITH FREE WILL.

To then base an entire theological understanding of what the Course says and means, on the idea that there are NOT multiple sons, and none of them have free will, and any way that they are distinct is "separation" and therefore illusion, WILL RESULT IN a very warped interpretation of the Course's metaphysics.

When there is no room in the ego's grasp of the Course to accept multiple sons, there is no way to explain properly how perception works or how minds work or what illusions are or how people have free will or who is dreaming what or who is responsible for what sickness or who is making what body appear. It ALL becomes confused in one big blur.

Here is an easier, simple way to go into "slow smooth breathing" as a form of meditation.

You don't have to control the breathing itself at all. In fact, that's guaranteed to interfere with it and make it not smooth. I've tried that before, controlling the breathing muscles etc and it takes much longer to work up to a slower smoother breath.

Instead, think of a balloon. The balloon is inflated. You take the opening of the balloon and you open it up just a little bit, just enough to let some air seep out. You then HOLD that opening at the same amount of openness, without moving it. What happens? The balloon deflates VERY smoothly all by itself.

The smoothness and rate of airflow is PRECISELY controlled only by how big the opening is. It's got nothing to do with you squeezing the balloon, trying to make the balloon collapse at a certain rate, etc. So the trick here is, do not try to control the breathing ITSELF, whatsoever. All you need to do is regulate the SIZE OF THE OPENING and keep it steady, which is very easy.

1. Close your mouth, breathe through your nose.

2. Hold your breath for a moment then let it go. Try that a few times. There is a sensation of some muscles in the throat closing off the airway. There is also (i think) the nasopharynx which is kind of in the back of the nose, behind the soft palette. This action of holding breath closes the nasopharynx so that no air can go in or out of the nose. So it feels like the back of the nose is closing and opening.

3. You have the ability to decide "how open" that thing is. This is a physical action above the throat and nothing to do with the lungs or diaphragm. Close it off again but not all the way. Just tighten it up a bit and try breathing out while it's "almost closed". You'll notice even if you try to push the breath harder to come out faster it won't. It can only come out at a rate determined by the size of the air opening. So you can operate this kind of like an air valve.

4. So this is all you need to do. Just "mostly close" that "valve" and hold it in that position. Relax. Let your body do its own normal breathing without you trying to mess with the breathing at all. Don't push the breath or pull it or try to make it slow or anything. You don't need to. Just because the opening is narrower, your breath will be long and slow and smooth.

5. Relaxing your body, just let it breathe, while you hold that opening in a partly closed position. Notice how the body just naturally "inflates" long and slow, like a balloon that inflates by itself. Then when it's done, as you keep holding the valve partly open, it starts to deflate all by itself, like a big bag of wind which just gradually empties by itself under its own air pressure (actually the normal diaphragm action).

So I do that a while. It's MUCH easier to just hold that position of restricting the outlet, than it is to try to manipulate the breathing muscles. I just hold it a while and let the body breathe slowly by itself. It's effortless, especially when you relax. "How slow" you breathe is entirely determined by how much you close off the airway, and nothing else. You can go immediately into a long slow breath without having to work up to it, and it takes hardly any effort. After a while you should feel calmer and your mind is "smoother".