"Father,I wandered from Your Will, defied It, broke Its laws, and interposed a second will more powerful than Yours. Yet what I am in truth is but Your Will, extended and extending. This am I. And This will never change. As You are One, so am I one with You. And This I chose in my creation, where my will became forever one with Yours. That choice was made for all eternity. It cannot change, and be in opposition to Itself. Father, my will is Yours. And I am safe, untroubled and serene, in endless joy, because it is Your Will that it be so."
Today we will accept our union with each other and our Source. We have no will apart from His, and all of us are one because His Will is shared by all of us. Through It we recognize that we are one. Through It we find our way at last to God.
ngel: Would you like to come and be with God now?
Person: No, I've got to get the dishes washed.
Angel: He's ready for you.
Person: After I've done the dishes I've got to go fold some paper and put it inside some other paper and put it in a hole in the wall.
Angel: That seems very important.
Person: That's just the start. I have to write on some paper and put it inside some other paper with some shiny metal discs and send it to a lady down the street.
Angel: God will see you now.
Person: But the yard is a mess, I have to plant some bushes.
Angel: God loves you, you know.
Person: Yah but my tv broke and now I have to get the radiator fixed.
Angel: God's still waiting for you.
Person: Well I can't come now, I've got to mow the lawn.
Angel: He's very happy to see you.
Person: I'm busy.
Angel: *taps on the shoulder* yoo-hoo
Person: Darn it, I'm out of milk, I have to go to the store.
Angel: You don't need that, God loves you.
Person: I've got to have milk, it goes with cereal.
Angel: God loves you more than cereal you know.
Person: Where's my keys, I lost my keys.
Angel: Sounds like a good way to not be with God right now
Person: Quit bugging me, I've got things to do.
Angel: *smiles* Is there somewhere to be that's more important than God?
Person: Ummmm ?????
Recently I was in the car driving home from getting food, and felt this kind of tension or frustration with people. I was in a certain mood and decided to suddenly start telling everyone that I love them. Of course.. from inside the car, traveling at speed, with the windows shut ;-)
I felt like there had been just years and years of people passing by without being loving, people turning their faces away, people avoiding each other in guilt, a lack of connection, a lack of expression. That it had boiled up to a certain point where it just seemed like I wanted to grab ahold of everyone and shake them and tell them I loved them.
So I someone broke the mold and started shouting at everyone I saw, passers by on the street, people driving cars, people in store windows, that I loved them. Of course, inside the car, with the windows shut ;-)
It felt like a relief, to at last have a normal, love-based expression come out toward people in spite of their refusal to be loved or their own lack of love expression. It was like, someone has to say something. I couldn't tolerate any more the cold shoulder and the spiritual poverty. So I forced some love out. And it felt really good.
In fact it felt so good, such a relief, it was like taking years of rejection off my shoulders. And it made me laugh so much for a long time. It seemed so funny and freeing.
I think in a way this was one of the recent steps I've been going through in "breaking through" the barriers of conditional love, and ego hierarchy, and moving towards unconditional love. Loving when it doesn't seem called for, or even wanted. And loving just because... it's natural and healthy and everyone is supposed to be doing it all the time.
This world is really constipated. It's needs love but rejects love. We can't keep ourselves bound by these chains. We have to break free.
We pick out something in the world as a reason to be upset. And we use it to basically say, this little insignificant thing has the power to destroy God's son.
It could be anything. Maybe you got mud on your trouser leg. Maybe your favorite pen broke. Maybe you ran out of underwear. Maybe you dripped ice-cream on your new t-shirt. Whatever it is, we take this thing and we get all upset about it. And in that upset we're basically saying, this little thing has so much power it can make God's Son lose his peace and destroy him.
So here we are, trading God's love for ice-cream, trading God's love for a pair of trousers, trading God's love for a piece of molded plastic. Stupid little stuff. Meaningless, worthless stuff.
We give value to these stupid things in the world like they are important, and the more important we make them the more we take them seriously. And the more seriously we take it the smaller we make ourselves because we diminish our real value. And then the smaller we get the more vulnerable we become, because we're saying our value/worth/strength/integrity is able to be affect by a fricking pencil, or a piece of chewing gum, or a bit of dirt.
Each time, we're saying, this thing has the power to stop me from waking up, it is a sin that cannot be healed, it is able to prevent God's Will, and it has the power to destroy God's son.
We have to put things in perspective. We have to remember who we really are. We are the creation of God, a huge, powerful, creative being of light, with the power to create worlds, absolutely endless and unlimited, immortal, everlasting, eternal, and here we are CLAIMING that a badly made sandwich is MORE IMPORTANT, or a broken car door is WORTH BEING UPSET ABOUT, or the neighbors dog shitting on the lawn is evidence that God's son has been destroying by a pooping dog.
When you really put it in perspective, the stuff we think has power over us is so insignificantly RIDICULOUS, it's a wonder we can take it seriously at all.
Oh wait... someone just switched the tv channel, and someone just made a noise when I was trying to nap, and someone left the toilet seat up... yup... all things worthy of the IMMENSE son of God being upset about and losing peace over. All things so powerful that they can destroy God's son and remove his peace. Ahhhh.
This world is ridiculous.
We are infinite beings. We are immortal. We are invulnerable. We are pure and perfect and holy. We are completely innocent. We cannot be harmed. Nothing can happen to us. We are permanent and we cannot change in any way.
So I ask you then.. how can such a being come to believe that there is, in any way, shape or form, anything that can or has happened to you that you are victim of? How is it possible that you believe you have been hurt and changed and upset by anything or anyone?
The only way for this to be possible is to NOT KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I repeat, you are an absolutely immortal innocent permanent being that is completely invulnerable to ALL illusions and events. Literally you cannot be changed in any way whatsoever. So WHO is this 'me' that is so certain that they are so damaged and upset?
Who are you? Or rather, who, as someone who cannot be harmed, are you pretending to be? What harm are you pretending to endure? What victimhood role are you PLAYING at? What disguise are you wearing as a mask to portray yourself as not who you are?
Nothing that God created can be affected. Nothing that God created has been affected. You are created by God. Ergo, you cannot and have not been affected. Who you really are, that is.
This other self... its strange. It believes it is vulnerable to attack, being ganged up against, can be hurt, has been hurt, is weak and frail and diseased and sure to die. What a bizarre character to play the part of, given you are permanently invulnerable.
Ok so right now you are experiencing some shit. Crappy day. Noisy neighbors. Dog shitted on your grass. Something went wrong. Something broke. Someone attacked you. Whatever. Drama. All this crap is an illusion. The suggestion that it is happening to YOU is false. YOU are not even affected by this whatsoever, not even one tiny bit. How can YOU, who are created by God as perfectly joyous and happy and complete, be in any way less than totally beaming with light all the time, oblivious to and impervious to the entire ego world drama?
Our entire problem is that we believe we ARE the person who is attacked, that we CAN BE an identity other than the one that is our real identity, that we have BECOME someone who is affected and modified by all manner of fuck and shit in the world. All of this is ultimately completely impossible.
Somewhere under WHATEVER the fuck your drama is today, someone underneath MY drama today, and beyond our ridiculous made up identities - characters in a play, there is a completely healthy, absolutely immortal, totally happy, joyous vibrant loving peaceful whole complete being, to whom nothing has ever occurred and never will.
So if you can just sense that a little bit even for a moment, or even just imagine it, maybe it will frame your whole stupid drama in a different light and help you to recognize, that ALL of the ego's experiences are a complete FARCE. Even a comedy. A fiction. Happening to a fictitious character that is NOT you.
You are NOT the person who is being attacked. You are NOT the person who is vulnerable. You are NOT the person who is upset. You are NOT the person that is struggling and suffering. That's not who you are at all.
You are pure love.
"Salvation lies in the simple fact that illusions are not fearful because they are not true. They but seem to be fearful to the extent to which you fail to recognize them for what they are; and you will fail to do this to the extent to which you want them to be true. And to the same extent you are denying truth, and so are failing to make the simple choice between truth and illusion; God and fantasy. Remember this, and you will have no difficulty in perceiving the decision as just what it is, and nothing more." - ACIM
We were born into an illusion in which all of the inhabitants believe the illusion is actually a real place. We came in with real-seeming parents living real-seeming lives. We lived near to real-seeming people living their real-seeming lives. Real-seeming things happened and we had real-seeming effects from it. And we just kept on going on this treadmill of alleged reality, confirmed by just about everyone that it is real and that the world is important and that we have very important things to do.
And then we got older and went to work at a job or started a company or received money some other way and thought that this was all important and necessary because the world was real. And bad things happened and we went through struggles and horrors and fear because it all seemed to real.
But this world is an illusion.
We entered into a giant illusion where everyone believes it's not really an illusion. Where everyone takes it seriously. Where were live in constant fear solely because we look at this illusion without recognizing it is just a bad dream. We think it's really happening. Real people seem to be getting hurt. Real people seem to be having ambitions and purposes and things to say and do. Real stuff seems to occur which nobody seems to be able to prevent. And then all this real stuff seems to really die. And it's just horrifying. IF you believe it's real.
You can' help but be afraid, as Jesus says, if you believe an illusion is reality. Every illusion is frightening because it claims something is true of God and of you which are not true. And IF they WERE true, they would be horrifying. It would be horrifying if it were true that you were separate from God, stuck in a body, waiting to die, ready to suffer, having to fight to stay alive, suffering along the way, only to end in the grave with nothing to show for it. Of course that's frightening IF it's real.
But this world is not real.
If you are going to progress with A Course in Miracles at some point you will have to start to really be open to the possibility that EVERYTHING in this world is an ILLUSION, and it is not real. It's a very different premise on which to base everything that happens here, and every interpretation of everything that happens. It frames everything very differently.
If it's an illusion that someone just broke their leg, then there is nothing to be upset about. And the leg can be easily reconfigured as a new leg as a result of the strength of knowing that broken legs are illusions. If we knew the world was not real, we would have NO REASON to be afraid, or upset, or guilty, or suffering. It seems like a tall order to question absolutely everything you thought was real, and to consider that perhaps it is not real at all. And that therefore it is not the truth, there is no truth TO it, and therefore it has no power over you.
The world is not left by death, but by truth. It is left by the recognition - the awareness - the true perception - that this world is an illusion and nothing more. If it is an illusion it cannot hold you captive. if it is an illusion, it cannot have really happened. So you cannot be its slave or its prisoner. You are free.
"I want the peace of God." W185
I've been realising more and more lately that peace is a vital core part of awakening to reality. And here's why.
Before "the separation" there was union and oneness. The idea of separation first began as nothing more perhaps than a very subtle sense of taking sides. Of there being a very slight difference between what seemed to be two things, instead of one thing. A hint of inequality and a vague notion of something belonging to one part and not another.
This mad idea later snowballed to the fullest extent of possibility, into greater and stronger senses of separateness, opposition, inequality, difference and all manner of exclusivity. In effect, "war broke out". A state of psychological war in which the peace of oneness was brought into question.
"And the peace of God's Son was shattered, for he no longer understood his Father." UrT12C11
"Angels came, too, but their protection was not enough, because the Separated ones were not interested in peace. They had already split themselves, and were bent on dividing rather than reintegrating. The levels they introduced into themselves turned against each other, and they, in turn, turned against each other. They established differences, divisions, cleavages, dispersion, and all the other concepts related to the increasing splits they produced." UrT2B43
Ultimately all of what we think of space and time, all physical matter, all objects, planet Earth, human bodies, and all the rest of it, descended as the crystallizing of this simple idea of being separate - separate instead of whole. And that was an idea of conflict, of war, of things disagreeing, of nothing being the same.
In heaven there is perfect peace because there is no possibility of war. There are no separated off things that can be enemies, nor can they attack anything else. There is no sense of threat or danger, no ability to harm or alter God's perfect creations. And without such threats there is no sense of fear, or a "loss of peace" or a disruption to "peace of mind."
Our minds did little more than enter into a state of believing in separate things. That sense of separation took on every conceivable form, including war and attack, blame and murder, sickness and death, destruction and change, judgement and condemnation, danger and threat, conflict and disagreement, inequality and disharmony, and everything we're all familiar with in our lives on earth - a planet which itself depends entirely on separation and war for its illusory existence.
We then need to seek to reclaim our peace of mind. That means, all the ways that we be SEPARATE have to end. All sense of attacking, all desire to hurt, all cruelty, all murderousness, all blame and judgement, all condemnation and grievances, it all has to collapse so that the SEPARATIONS between things are collapsed, restoring unity and oneness.
ONLY in that unity of oneness is true peace fully possible, because it's a state in which all sense of separation is absent. War becomes impossible, and without war there is no fighting, no conflict, no disturbance, no loss, no imbalance, no sin or guilt or death. Peace is an attribute of a sane healthy mind which has been restored to wholeness. Because in wholeness there is no split mind, no divided will, and you are no longer at war with yourself. This is accomplished through forgiveness.
"Forgiveness IS your peace, for herein lies the end of separation, and the dream of danger and destruction, sin and death; of madness and of murder, grief and loss." UrT29G1
"Peace is an attribute in YOU. You cannot find it outside. All mental illness is some form of EXTERNAL searching. Mental health is INNER peace. It enables you to remain unshaken by lack of love from without, and capable, through your own miracles of correcting the external conditions, which proceed from lack of love in others." UrT2A32
To gain peace, all your psychological weapons have to be laid down. All sense of wanting to attack, wanting to resist and fight, wanting to hurt and destroy has to be undone. And undoing all of this is a surrender. It is this surrender that ends the war, a surrendering of all ego pursuits and beliefs. When you wave the white flag, you return to peace, because the end of war is indeed peace. Nor will your peace mean defeat, but victory and invulnerability.
"Judgment is the weapon I would use against myself to keep all miracles away from me." URW347
"Now must you once again lay down your sword, although you will not recognize that you have picked it up again" UrM21A4
"Every time you feel a stab of anger, realize you hold a sword above your head." UrW192L9
"Nor is it possible the two can ever be the same, while specialness stands like a flaming sword of death between them, and makes them enemies." UrT24D4
"Lay down the cruel sword of judgment that you hold against your throat, and put aside the withering assaults with which you seek to hide your holiness." UrW190L9
"How long, oh Son of God, will you maintain the game of sin? Shall we not put away these sharp-edged children's toys?" UrW250W45
If you sin or do something wrong, there is no way you're going to be completely free of it UNTIL you are willing to recognize the atonement principle.
You could've done something many years ago or even when you were a child, which you believed was a big mistake. Maybe you were punished for it. Maybe you felt guilty about it. Maybe you hurt someone or broke something or committed a crime.
What you will then do, as an act of TRYING to heal, is to explain to yourself in various ways "why it was ok". Maybe it was because the person did something to you in a past life. Maybe it was karma. Maybe it was just an accident. Maybe you didn't really mean it. Maybe you didn't know what you were doing because you were too young. Maybe you wouldn't do it again. Maybe you were young and naive. Whatever. These are justifications which do not HEAL you.
None of these will FREE YOU from having that event stuck in your mind, remaining not quite healed.
If you in any way believe that you ACTUALLY DID IT, then you stand accused of sin.
If you believe the events actually DID HAPPEN, then you stand accused of sin.
If you believe you did cause and produce REAL CONSEQUENCES IN REALITY, then you stand accused of sin.
That alone is enough to KEEP the sin real somewhere in your mind, leaving you always feeling guilty and always unable to truly LET IT GO no matter how hard you try.
The only thing which will SET YOU FREE is the truth. The truth is the atonement. The atonement, which is also an act of complete forgiveness, looks upon you and RECOGNIZES that what you THINK you did, was not happening in reality, it was entirely an illusion, nothing real has been threatened, and nothing unreal exists.
That means you have to undo all of your belief in fear that arose from the event (fear of being punished for it), all guilt from the event (guilty because you did it and don't deserve forgiveness), all sin from the event (that it happened at all and you did attack in reality)... AND THEN you will be WILLING and ABLE to ACCEPT that you actually DID NOT SIN. There is no real sin.
Acceptance of atonement is a state of mind where you actually can SEE and recognize illusions for what they are. You don't BELIEVE in them. You don't fall for their tricks. You know and what you thought you did, did not really occur in reality, nothing real has been hurt and your innocence therefore has not been REALLY challenged.
Until you can see that your innocence has not changed whatsoever in God's eyes, because whatever you "did" DID NOT HAPPEN in reality, but only in A DREAM, only then will you LET YOURSELF OFF THE HOOK and forgive yourself for what you THINK you did.
When you accept this, you will finally feel the RELIEF that you have been longing for all these years. You will finally be WILLING to let go, because you will be WILLING to ACCEPT that you DESERVE to be forgiven - since you did not really do anything. Being able to see this and accept it is extremely, profoundly freeing and healing. FINALLY you can let go of what you think you did wrong, because you did not really do it.
The atonement would seem to be complete nonsense to people who believe the world is real or that sins really happen or that people really get hurt or that consequences are real. It can make no sense to anyone who thinks that EVENTS are really happening in the world. Just the mere act of something occurring in this world IS SIN, if it is real. Even picking your nose inside a dream is an idea of sin. Even kissing someone on the cheek is an idea of sin. Anything you DO in a DREAM, where that dream is entirely an IDEA OF WHAT SIN IS LIKE (the body is an idea of sin made real and projected outward), is a sin.
The atonement LITERALLY means, that what you think you DID DO, whatever event you think occurred, it was only ever in a DREAM, not in reality. This entire world is a dream. This whole universe is a dream. It is not really happening in reality and it is NOT REALITY. So it is literally POSSIBLE to UNDO THE PAST ENTIRELY, which dream-believers will say is impossible, because NOTHING HAPPENED. It was not reality in which it happened, it did not happen to anything real, and nothing real came from it.
This whole physical universe hasn't happened.
To recognize this is the atonement. To finally realize, wait a minute, this is all just a huge dream we're having. It's not real. It's not happening at all. Nothing I thought happened in it was real. It was all fake. The sin was fake, the effects were fake, the deaths were fake, nothing was real. It was just a nightmare.
"Forgiveness... sees there was no sin, and in that view, are all your sins forgiven."
Finally then when you can accept atonement on an issue, it really does mean setting yourself FREE, the ONLY WAY to be free, and that is truly healing. You can be 100% free of your sin and guilt FOREVER. Thank God for that!
WHAT IS SIN?
Every aspect of an insane egoic mind is JUST A MISTAKE, which calls for correction. The mind "accidentally" considers something to be possible which isn't, and so is making an error. Like an error on a math test - a false conclusion, a miscalculation, a mis-thought. The mind believes impossible things, and because they are impossible it is not doing them.
"Sin" is what we call it when you become mistaken ABOUT a mistake, and fail to recognize its impossibility. Being mistaken about mistakes, not recognizing them as mistakes, converts them into TRUTHS, which are now sins. You don't realize they can't be true, and you think they are possible. As if you are actually doing them, giving them reality.
"Sin" is thus a "mistake about a mistake". A failure to recognize a mistake, leading to taking it seriously and taking it to be true and real. As if it is actually happening with real irreversible consequences.
Insane people are regarded as sinful when their insanity is not recognised as insanity, and is instead thought to BE SANITY, and thus assuming the person is SINNING ON PURPOSE from their right mindedness, which would indeed be deliberate attack. If this were true it calls for guilt and punishment.
Mistaking someone's delusional state for truth and reality, you think they are "actually attacking on purpose from a sane mind that should know better", which justifies anger and revenge for such a violation of the rules of sanity.
Guilt therefore arises from being mistaken about mistakes, regarding mistakes as deliberate acts of defiance against God and reality. If you COULD attack God it WOULD be a sin and you WOULD be guilty.
Sin is therefore a fiction about a fiction. The insane mind is in a deluded state believing illusions, which is just a set of mistakes, and then on top of this the delusion is taken to be NOT a delusion.
Sin is twice removed from God, mistakes are once removed. Guilt arises from taking mistakes to be truths. Or believing that illusions are real. Such as believing that the physical world is happening. If anything seeming to happen physically IS TRUE, it is a sin. If it is recognised that the world is JUST A MISTAKE, it is open to forgiveness.
Sin sees everything as unforgivable because it locks in the mistakes and regards them as concrete truths. Forgiveness recognizes what the mistakes ARE, and so sees an error has been made, which calls only for correction to appropriately treat the error. To fix the problem correctly.
Sin does not fix errors correctly, it compounds them by trying to use punishment as a fix. It says that the "mistake" is that you really did something impossible, as though it were possible, and now it has had real effects.
There is now "proof of sin", tangible sin, physical sin, evidence. Or in other words, an illusion (such as form) is mistaken for a real true possible thing and held up to be the "evidence" as to what you did wrong. Such as that the body did some wrong act causing the plates to be smashed, proven by the pieces of broken plate on the floor. Instead of being recognised as more illusions, it's taken to "prove" that you broke the plates in reality.
That presence of "an illusion being interpreted as proof that it's true" means "you did it" in space and time, and therefore are guilty. If you did sin, you deserve absolute punishment and death. Sin sees death as the way to CORRECT sins - death as atonement.
"Sin calls for punishment, as error for correction. And the belief that punishment IS correction, is clearly insane." UrT19C1
"They do not realize that, to deny God, is to deny their own identity, and in this sense, the wages of sin IS death." UrT19C3
"Yet, for all the wild insanity inherent in the whole IDEA of sin, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. For the wages of sin IS death, and how can the immortal die?" UrT19C3
You not recognizing that this world is an illusion, converts the world into a place of sin and guilt, demeaning punishment for every act. You recognizing this world is just a MISTAKE and IS IMPOSSIBLE, forgives and overlooks the error and calls for the true atonement of the UNDOING of the error. The erasing of the world and space and time. The correction of the error - the illusion of a world - through its cancellation and disappearance, in which the mind returns to sanity and to God's kingdom.
"A world forgiven cannot last. It was the home of bodies. But forgiveness looks past bodies. This is its holiness; this is how it heals. The world of bodies is the world of sin, for only if there is a body is sin possible. From sin comes guilt as surely as forgiveness takes all guilt away. And once all guilt is gone what more remains to keep a separated world in place? For place has gone as well, along with time. Only the body makes the world seem real, for being separate it could not remain where separation is impossible. Forgiveness proves it is impossible because it sees it not. And what you then will overlook will not be understandable to you, just as its presence once had been your certainty." UrU5A5
"Although you have attacked yourself, and very brutally"
In the separation from God, each of us has condemned ourselves. We've accused ourselves of sin, and condemned ourselves to suffer. We want ourselves to be punished, murdered, and destroyed. Ultimately this is a death wish, in which we have become suicidal because we don't believe we deserve to live or to be loved by God. You might be thinking, suicidal? I'm not suicidal. Well think again.
At the same time as trying to destroy yourself to prove you don't exist in God, your true self is utterly sinless, guiltless, innocent, holy and pure. You have never sinned or hurt or commit a crime or broke a law. You have never done anything to anyone, and no-one has ever attacked you. You are immortal and eternal and endless and permanent. And no harm can come to you because God himself protects you.
"The Thought of God protects you, cares for you"
The problem is, there is a seeming "gap" between what is really true of you, and what you currently BELIEVE. And if you are not in touch with your utter immaculate sinlessness, then some part of you DOES believe you are condemned to hell. God isn't doing this condemnation, nor are your brothers.
It's all an inside job of your own self attack. It is your self destruction. And this is suicidal. Even though death isn't real, this needs to be undone because the belief in your non-existence keeps you from being happy.
Looking at what you are doing to yourself is not pretty. If you are not accepting your sinlessness, it means you are believing you are sinful. It means you don't love yourself. It means you actively attack yourself and are trying to destroy yourself. Such as in "my attack thoughts are attacking my invulnerability." It means you don't really like yourself, yet alone love yourself with the love of God.
So now if you think about it in terms of the "relationship" that you have "with yourself", as if you could relate to yourself like a third party, how do you really feel about yourself? What is your honest current attitude towards yourself? If it's not one of total unconditional perfect love, then it isn't a very healthy relationship.
If there is a belief in being sinful, or evil, or a monster, or unworthy, or not good enough, or you resent yourself, or are angry at yourself, or keep judging yourself, or see yourself as weak, or hurt yourself emotionally or physically, or keep being abusive towards yourself, there are all signs of a breakdown in relationship.
And what that ultimately means is that you have not forgiven yourself. You're in this relationship with someone that you don't want to be with. And that is going to split your mind and hurt your mind. If you don't love yourself and embrace yourself with acceptance then how can you possibly relate to yourself at all?
Think of yourself as in the shoes of a person that you don't like in a similar way. If you don't like that person you don't want to be near them. You don't want to give them things. You don't want to share with them or spend time with them. You don't want them to exist. You don't care if they get hurt or suffer. You want them to suffer. And you may even feel so bitter towards them that you wish they were dead. Is that the relationship you are having with YOURSELF?
You have to look deep within yourself with much honesty to find this out. And it's probably going to be somewhat painful or even scary. You may not actually even realize or recognize that you have it in for yourself, or want yourself to suffer, because you may be so used to a general level of background destructiveness that you think it's totally normal. You might not have even seen how much you hate yourself.
"You who think you hate your bodies, deceive yourselves. YOU HATE YOUR MINDS, for guilt has entered into them, and they would remain separate, which they CANNOT DO."
"You HATE the prison that you made, and would destroy it."
"You are afraid of Him, and do not see you hate and fear your Self as enemy."
"And why do you attack them anywhere except you hate yourself?"
"But if you hate part of your own Soul, ALL your understanding is lost, because you are looking on what God creates AS YOURSELF without love."
"You do not realize how much you hate each other. You will not get rid of this until you DO realize it, for UNTIL then, you will think you want to get rid of EACH OTHER and KEEP THE HATRED. "
So you have to look at this stuff. And typically you need a strong contrast in order to recognize it. Get in touch with what it means to be sinless. That your sinlessness is guaranteed by God. Get a feel for total pure innocence and the complete absence of all attack, even slight annoyances. And then in that light, look at how you feel about yourself.
Do you still feel like attacking? Do you still feel a need or requirement to judge and blame? Do you condemn others to hide your self condemnation? Are you constantly fighting with people? Do you feel unhappy most of the time? If you have any of the "symptoms" of the ego, which is anything not of God, then certainly there is room for improvement in your relationship with yourself.
First you need to recognize that you even DO hate yourself, before you can be willing to take steps to heal that relationship. And you can't see that unless you have some kind of higher truth about you to compare it to. Your utter pure sinlessness in God, your immortal innocence, the guarantee of eternal life, can act as a contrast and at reality-tester to find out just how you really do feel about yourself. And once you find that out, you have healing work to be done upon yourself. You need correction and forgiveness. You need to FORGIVE YOURSELF, in order to recognize you are sinless and free.
"You have condemned yourself, but condemnation is not of God."
"You who believe you have condemned the Son of God"
"But in the dream of judgment, you attack and ARE condemned."
"And unless He had given you a way to remember, you would have condemned yourselves to oblivion."
"Now has the mind condemned itself to seek without finding; to be forever dissatisfied and discontented; to know not what it really wants to find."
"If the Son of God is guilty, then is he condemned, and he DESERVES no mercy from the God of justice."
"Guilt is ALWAYS in your OWN mind, WHICH HAS CONDEMNED ITSELF. Project it not, for while you do, it cannot BE undone."
"The delusional can be very destructive, for they do not recognize they have condemned THEMSELVES."
"It is not God Who has condemned His Son. But ONLY you, to save his specialness, and kill his Self."
"Remember, then, that whenever you look without and react unfavorably to what you see, you have judged yourself unworthy, and have condemned yourself to death."
"You have handled this wish TO KILL YOURSELF by NOT KNOWING WHO YOU ARE, and identifying with something ELSE. You have projected guilt blindly and indiscriminately, but you have NOT uncovered its source. For the ego DOES want to kill you, and if you identify WITH it, you MUST believe ITS GOAL IS YOURS."
You don't need to die. You need to forgive yourself.