I've recently been 'God bathing' ... But I don't quite have a tan yet.
Actually it's not as simple as just getting into my swimsuit and laying in the light. There's a slight problem. Part of me does not want it.
The interesting thing is, though, that as I attempt to expose myself to God's love - by which I mean, to actually accept the *experience* of it - to let it in and allow it - it shines a light on the parts of me that need healing.
These are the parts that I can tell feel like... They are not worthy, they are not good enough, they are guilty, they believe something is going to be taken away or lost, that hold grievances, that feel alone and separate and forgotten, etc... All of this 'me', this ego me, who I think I am right now, that when you really get down to it, when faced with 'the truth' (God), experiences itself as unwanted and lost.
It's not easy to be aware that this is in me and that it needs healing. But part of the 'God bathing' is that I become at least a little bit willing to let some love soak in. I let it come a bit closer. I let it seep in around the foundations of my 'self hate', and loosen it up a bit. It's like being surrounded with a healing balm, or getting a hug.
That resistant ego part of me still doesn't believe that God could love me...and it always has this sense of ...'because'... There is a reason... Because of what I did... Guilt.
Hopefully if I can release and let of enough blocks and resistances and beliefs in guilt, I can at least let myself realize, if for just a moment, that actually everything is going to be okay. I can be loved, I can be healed and forgiven, and I actually do deserve God's unconditional love.
And then little glimpses or feelings of optimism start to creep in, little awarenesses of... maybe it's true. Maybe I don't have to be this way. Maybe I don't have to stay separate and guilty. Maybe I don't have to die. Because what is this really all about but the secret death wish that we all have, believing we cannot be with God/Life ever again. My thought last night was, maybe I actually don't have to die. And that was a relief. "Thank God"... For sure.
Learning to allow and accept what God is.... Surrendering what I am not.
A powerful sentence came to me which felt great to repeat several times. "I am the Son of God. I am completely innocent."
ahhhhh. Now there is a slight tan.
We once said that without projection there can be no anger, but it is also true that without projection there can be no love. Projection is a fundamental law of the mind, and therefore one which ALWAYS operates. It is the law by which you create and were created. It is the law which unifies the Kingdom and keeps it in the mind of God. To the ego, the law is perceived as a way of getting RID of something it does NOT want. To the Holy Spirit, it is the fundamental law of sharing, by which you give what you value in order to keep it in your OWN minds.
Projection to the Holy Spirit is the law of extension. To the ego, it is the law of deprivation. It therefore produces abundance or scarcity, depending on how you choose to apply it. This choice IS up to you, but it is NOT up to you to decide whether or not you will UTILIZE projection. Every mind MUST project, because that is how it lives, and every mind IS life. The ego's use of projection must be fully understood before the INEVITABLE association between projection and anger can be finally UNmade.
The ego ALWAYS tries to preserve conflict. It is very ingenious in devising ways which SEEM to diminish conflict only because it does NOT want you to find it so intolerable that you will INSIST on giving it up. Therefore, it tries to persuade you that IT can free you OF conflict, lest you give IT up and free YOURSELF. The ego, using its own warped version of the laws of God, uses the power of the mind ONLY to defeat the mind's real purpose. It projects conflict FROM your mind to OTHER minds, in an attempt to persuade you that you have gotten RID of it. This has a number of fallacies which may not be so apparent.
Strictly speaking, conflict cannot BE projected, precisely BECAUSE it cannot be fully shared. Any attempt to keep PART of it and get rid of ANOTHER part does not really mean ANYTHING. Remember that a conflicted teacher is a poor teacher AND A POOR LEARNER. His lessons are confused, and their transfer value severely limited BY his confusion.
A second fallacy is the idea that you can GET RID of something you do not want BY giving it away. GIVING it is how you KEEP it. The belief that by giving it OUT you have excluded it from WITHIN is a complete distortion of the power of EXTENSION.
That is why those who project from the ego are vigilant for their OWN safety. THEY ARE AFRAID THAT THEIR PROJECTIONS WILL RETURN AND HURT THEM. They DO believe they have blotted them out of their OWN minds, but they also believe they are trying to creep back INTO them. This is because their projections have NOT left their minds, and this, in turn, forces them to engage in compulsive activity in order NOT to recognize this.
You cannot perpetuate an illusion about another WITHOUT perpetuating it about yourself. There is no way out of this, because it is IMPOSSIBLE to fragment the mind. To fragment is to break into pieces, and mind CANNOT attack. The belief that it CAN, a fallacy which the ego ALWAYS makes, underlies its whole use of projection. This is because it does not understand what the mind IS, and therefore does not understand what YOU are. Yet ITS existence IS dependent on your mind, because it is a BELIEF. The ego IS therefore a confusion in identification, which never had a consistent model, and never developed consistently. It is the distorted product of the misapplication of the laws of God by distorted minds which are misusing their own power.
DO NOT BE AFRAID OF THE EGO. It DOES depend on your mind, and as you made it by believing in it, so you can dispel it by withdrawing belief FROM it. Do NOT project the responsibility for your belief in it onto ANYONE else, or you will PRESERVE the belief. When you are willing to accept sole responsibility for the ego's existence YOURSELF, you will have laid aside all anger and all attack, because they COME from an attempt to PROJECT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ERRORS. But having ACCEPTED the error as yours, DO NOT KEEP THEM. Give them over quickly to the Holy Spirit to be undone completely, so that ALL their effects will vanish from your minds and from the Sonship AS A WHOLE. He will teach you to perceive BEYOND belief, because truth IS beyond belief and His perception IS true.
The ego can be completely forgotten at ANY time, because it was always a belief that is totally incredible. No-one can KEEP a belief he has judged to be unbelievable. The more you learn ABOUT the ego, the more you realize that it cannot BE believed. The incredible cannot BE understood because it IS unbelievable. The utter meaninglessness of ALL perception which comes from the unbelievable MUST be apparent, but it is NOT beyond belief because it was made BY belief.
The whole purpose of this course is to teach you that the ego is unbelievable and will forever BE unbelievable. You who made the ego by BELIEVING the unbelievable CANNOT make this judgment alone. By accepting the Atonement for YOURSELF, you are deciding AGAINST the belief that you can BE alone, thus dispelling the idea of separation and affirming your true identification with the whole Kingdom as literally PART OF YOU. This identification is as beyond doubt as it is beyond belief. Your wholeness HAS no limits, because its being is in Infinity.
Separation HAS occurred? Sort of.
Some people claim that it is impossible to explain the "tiny mad idea". It seems logical at first, because when the ego asks a question like "what if", it's not really a question, and the tiny mad idea hasn't "really" happened in reality. It has no real consequences in reality, and it's just a dream.
But the tiny mad idea HAS happened in IMAGINATION. It HAS happened in your mind, and you've "made it real to you". That is why you are sitting there right now reading this on your screen, which *seems* real. A dream "at all" wouldn't even be possible unless God gave you free will to choose to mis-create and dream.
"Whatever is true & real is eternal, & cannot change or be changed. The Soul is therefore unalterable because it is ALREADY perfect, but the mind can elect the level it chooses to serve. The only limit which is put on its choice is that it CANNOT serve two masters."
Your mind has FREEDOM, and therefore can be used to choose EITHER to will with God's will, or to will against it. Either in service to the soul/spirit, or in service to a fictional ego. This freedom granted you the very REAL "possibility" of being ABLE to make this choice, to use will against will, and to mis-create. God would not give you an `option` that could *actually* hurt you at all, and it has not, but this freedom HAS given you the ability to OPT not to laugh at the idea of separation, if you choose.
Jesus also describes below how while you have free will, it is necessary to choose both FOR (toward) God and AWAY from the option of ego/dreaming.
"While the ballot itself is a secret one, and the right to vote is fully protected, voting ALWAYS entails both election AND rejection. If two candidates are voted for for the same position, the machine cancels the ballot automatically.
This is necessary, because a split vote does not represent ANY REAL allegiance.
Free will is the attribute of the mind, NOT the Soul. The Soul always remains changeless, because it never leaves the sight of God.
The Creation of the Soul is already fully accomplished. The mind, if it votes to do so, becomes a medium by which the Soul can create along the line of its own creation. If it does not freely elect to do so, it retains this creative ability, but places itself under tyrannous rather than authoritative control. As a result, what it creates is imprisonment, because such are the dictates of tyrants."
So you can see here that the mind actually has the freedom to "choose to dream" if it wants to. It CAN place itself under tyrranical rule and seem to "sleep". Of course this dreaming is FICTIONAL and it is not REALLY happening in reality, it has no real consequences in heaven, but it IS still a "valid option" that you are free to entertain or ELECT.
This essentially means that, the tiny mad idea is a POSSIBLE CHOICE, but it is not a REAL choice. That's a vital distinction. You COULD choose to dream if you want to, to mis-create, to opposte God's will (or try to), but it's not a REAL option. It's an option of unreality that the mind is quite capable of making if it chooses to. This is why "heaven is a choice I must make" - the mind HAS to freely, willingly, elect to choose heaven, ie the only real option, and not the ego, which is an imaginary option you've tried to MAKE real.
Does this mean the dream "has happened"? It has not happened IN REALITY, but it HAS occurred within the context of the mind's freedom to dream. It doesn't have REALITY to it, but it IS something you are CAPABLE OF PRODUCING through mis-creation. And when you DO freely choose it, with your free will, it will become seemingly real to you because what you accept into your mind becomes your reality.
"To "change your mind" means to place it at the disposal of True authority. The miracle is thus a sign that the mind has elected to be guided by Christ in HIS service. The abundance of Christ is the natural result of choosing to follow him."
The mind has to ELECT (choose) to be under service to Christ. This IS a free-willed choice, not something forced upon you. God does not create slaves.
"Into eternity, where all is one, there crept a tiny mad idea"
There DID creep an idea, a thought, an imagining, into the mind, because IT COULD. The mind CAN DREAM. But the dream that it produces is not real or like God. Elsewhere Jesus refers to it as "an order of reality", meaning that you gave reality TO it to try to turn it into reality, through belief, but the belief is based on a false premise, so it is ultimately unfounded and fundamentally unreal at its core.
"Into eternity, where all is one, there crept a tiny mad idea", at which the Son of God remembered not to laugh. In his forgetting did the thought become a serious idea, and possible of both accomplishment and real effects. Together, we can laugh them BOTH away, and understand that time can NOT intrude upon eternity. It IS a joke to think that time can come to circumvent eternity, which MEANS there is no time."
I will leave you this statement by Jesus:
"The Separation HAS occurred. To deny this is merely to misuse denial. However, to concentrate on error is merely a further misuse of legitimate psychic mechanisms. The true corrective procedure, which has already been described as the proper use of the spiritual eye (or true vision), is to accept the error temporarily, BUT ONLY as an indication that IMMEDIATE correction is mandatory. This establishes a state of mind in which the Atonement can be accepted without delay."
What he means here, is not that the separation is REAL, but that in the MIND, it HAS OCCURRED as a thought, an idea, an IMAGINED possibility. There HAS been an attempt to usurp God's will. There HAS been a "dream". Not REALLY, but ... in the proper context, in the mind, this IS something that we CHOSE, something we TRIED TO MAKE REAL, something we tried to DO, to will it, to mis-create. We DID mis-create. That's the ONLY reason that you are able to be sitting there seeming to be a body reading this text right now. But the ultimate truth is, this is a dream, an unreality, it's ultimately based on a false foundation or premise - that there is an alternative to God's will, and because that is untrue, it is not REALLY REAL. So it hasn't REALLY happened in truth, in the biggest picture.
You DO, in a sense, dream a dream. But you CAN stop dreaming, by changing your mind. Dreaming is a state of MIND, of insanity, believing that time can replace eternity and space can replace God's presence. Effectively, there HAS been a "fall of man", but the fall is imaginary. It is ONLY an idea, but it IS an idea, not less than that. The "existence" of this idea, however, must be temporary, because it is an idea of being temporary, and is naturally limited and finite. It is therefore INEVITABLE that the dream will end and the IDEA - in which this entire physical universe dwells - will disappear.
In the past, my wife became disabled and was unable to fend for herself. She became dependent upon me. I had to take over responsibility for her life, her wellbeing, her decisions, her food and cleanliness, her health. I had to keep her alive.
Now, in that scenario there was a lot of pressure. Having developed dementia and brain damages she would sometimes act out, lashing out at people, hitting people, swearing at people. She didn't mean to, she couldn't control it.
Because I took on responsibility for her life, I felt it was up to me to keep her going, to manage her behaviour, to feed clothe wash and support her, to administer medications, to take her to dialysis treatments 3 times a week for years, to get through hospital visits, to defend her against inept doctors and nurses, and to generally try to stop her from dying.
All of this began to produce some ego-creep in me, in which I started to feel guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, and afraid. I felt afraid that if I didn't do the right thing she would die. If I didn't do the right thing, her health would decline. If I didn't do the right thing, there would be judgement and attack, possibly even legal action.
There was shame and embarrassment and guilt when she would act out. There was fear, that if she acted out towards the very same medical people that were providing "life support", she would get herself kicked out and would die. There was fear that she might not make it through the night, that her breathing was poor, that she might do something to make herself worse off. And feelings of guilt crept in that I wasn't doing it well enough.
You could say, as some would, that this was to be expected. Given all the pressure, all the responsibility, all the support and time and management and effort I had to give just to keep her going, to put out fires, to stop things from getting worse, anyone would feel upset and lost, afraid and guilty, ashamed and embarrassed.
But that's not what A Course in Miracles would say. It would say that there is a secret of salvation - that we are doing this all to ourselves. It would say that if I felt guilt or shame, I must've chosen to feel it. It would say that if I was afraid, I must've decided to buy into fear. It would say that if I was resisting death, that was a choice on my part. It would say if I was embarrassed about how she broke the rules today, that was something I was taking personally by myself.
So I had to look at this, because it was all part of me becoming a victim in this scenario, of seeing myself as constantly on the defensive, under attack, fighting against the institutions. I had started to blame myself, that it was my fault. The sense of responsibility was shifting into a sense of personal guilt, that if anything went wrong somehow it reflected on me. That if she acted out or made things worse for herself, it meant I was more ashamed somehow.
Obviously this is not something that was anything to do with me really, was not my fault or my doing. But of course when you have a lot of social and peer pressure and medical pressure and even legal pressure to say, you have to look after her right otherwise the punishment will come, that can be very tempting. I did buy into it to some degree, and I take take it on as a personal thing. And this resulted in my attacking myself.
So in order to apply the secret of salvation, I have to look at that and see, I was NOT being caused by other people, I was not responsible for what she did even if in physical terms I was, I was not guilty for anything that went wrong, I was not shameful for her lashing out at people, and I was not to be blamed for failures and losses and dramas and various other forms of things I couldn't control.
The secret says, that if you are upset, you are doing it to yourself. So that means, I made myself guilty. It means I shamed myself, it wasn't other people doing it. It means I made myself afraid by believing in the body and in death and in threats. It means I chose to be embarrassed, to feel incapable, to feel loss. I did that to myself.
You might also say, it's quite a tall order to expect someone going through such a difficult thing to have to rise up to a state of perfection. To not react at all, to have no investment, to not take things personally, to not feel threatened. Indeed it is quite a tall order. But it's the ego that really makes things feel like hell, it's the lack of responsibility and power that makes you see yourself as victimised and under attack. It's not our natural state to be positioned as a victim like that.
So I take my power back. The power that I gave to these people, the power that I gave to the situation, the power that I gave to her. I take back the power that I disowned by playing a role of caregiver and saviour and protector. I take back the power that said it was my fault, my job, my responsibility, my role and identity, to have to be responsible for another person's life and wellbeing. I take back my power to recognize I chose to see myself as under pressure and attack, threatened by death and its cohorts, and these things have NO power over me.
It is ONLY by taking back your power that you can be not a victim, can let go of the various victim roles like being guilty or ashamed, embarrassed or lost, afraid and powerless. For me it was a profound lesson which actually, overall, did increase my power and my awareness and my sense of responsibility. It wasn't a loss or a failure, it's just that the lesson was so strong that it also knocked me down a few pegs in some areas and became overwhelming.
I am not a victim of the world. I am not a victim of doctors and nurses. I am not a victim of the law. I a not a victim of official rules or requirements or paperwork or legal proceedings. I am not a victim of what another person needs or how they act or what they choose to do to others. I am not responsible for causing my wife's suffering or sickness or behaviours. I am not guilty, and I am not ashamed. I am the holy son of God, guiltless and sinless, pure and innocent.
We must think of ourselves as immortal beings, still as God crated us, still perfect and pure and holy and good. We cannot sin, and have never sinned. We are not guilty, and cannot become guilty. We have never been attacked by anyone or anything in the world. We cannot suffer unless we try to make ourselves suffer. I was not suffering because of the situation, or my wife, or the medical staffs, or family members, or anyone else. I cannot suffer unless I choose to do so, and I had chosen to do so. And now I choose again.
"The Holy Spirit will repeat this ONE inclusive lesson of deliverance, until it has been learned, REGARDLESS of the form of suffering that brings you pain. Whatever hurt you bring to Him, He will make answer with this very simple truth. For this one answer TAKES AWAY the cause of every form of sorrow and of pain. The form affects His answer not at all, for He would teach you but the SINGLE cause of all of them, no matter WHAT their form. And you will understand that miracles reflect the simple statement, "I have done this thing, and it is this I would undo."