Often Holy Spirit will say to me:

"Let me"

And often I am confused about what he really intends or means or what I should do in order to let Him. Like, does he want me to let Him express through me? Does he want to do a healing? Should I do absolutely nothing and let go?

Sometimes the brilliant simplicity of what Spirit expresses is too simple for my complicated ego to 'get'.

And he almost never clarifies this. So I've had to gradually, slowly, refine my understanding of what this means. It's like a kind of tuning fork that I'm homing in on, through progressive rounds of surrender and trust.

What I've noticed it seeming to mean recently, is that I will be in a process of trying to decide something on my own, and he'll say "let me"... and it's starting to dawn on me that he wants me to let him make the decision.

Not just to make the decision for me but to take over responsibility of all of the entire thought processes that I'd have to go through in trying to 'figure out' what to do... which is intellectual activity (when I have to be the one to do it). In other words, my ego mind has to expend a lot of effort trying to control life on its own, disconnected from Spirit.

Holy Spirit wants me to connect my mind to His, which seems to be a gradual development of connection.

So each time I stop trying to decide and I let Him decide, or even just let go of the whole need to decide anything at all (which is in the rules for decision), I might even forget that I was meant to decide anything at all.

All part of the development of trust.

Lately I'm noticing more and more often, I just don't want to blame. I'm believing in "real sin" less and less.

I didn't see this coming, and it's not that I've been deliberately working on not being blameful. But I'm starting to see why this makes sense.

When I blame, I am believing that there is some "other" that's not me, that I'm finding responsible for some kind of guilt or sin. This so-called other is actually a part of my own self which I split off in my mind and attack. This attack seems to cause a hallucinated projection onto other people, in which the disassociation from the "conscious" part of my mind makes it seem like it's all to do with someone else.

But the truth is that my attack is actually coming from me, and it is going TO me. And in fact, I am not even really attacking anyone else at all. I think I am, but I'm not.

In the ego's thought system of denial, it really does seem like it is not only possible to find someone else guilty for our own belief in our own sinfulness, but that they can receive ALL of the blame and we receive none of it. We actually think we can scapegoat someone and make them wrong and find them guilty and that this has NO effect on ourselves whatsoever. i.e. Do unto others as you would NOT have them do unto you.

This is of course a complete illusion. While it persists, we go around blaming people because we think that we CAN, as a viable "option" for getting rid of our own sinfulness. Introducing a separation between cause and effect, we think we can be free of the effects and responsibilities of our sin, and someone else can take the hit. And we want to make especially sure that the separation between both is strong so as to be strongly convinced no nasty effects are going to leak back onto ourselves.

But what has to dawn on our mind is not only that we are responsible for 100% of what we are experiencing, but also that everything that has happened we have therefore done to ourselves, and therefore there ARE no causes outside of us, and thus there are no grounds for blame.

This also reveals to the mind that while it thought it was capable of attacking someone "else" with no effects on itself, it actually WAS attacking itself. At first it will think that it was attacking both itself and others, but then it will also dawn that it was in fact ONLY attacking itself. In our egos we live in private worlds of self-attack, at war with ourselves, in our split mind with multiple personalities. It doesn't even really involved anyone else at all, we just pretend it does. When we are willing to become aware that we are ONLY doing it to ourselves, then a whole new kind of experience starts to emerge. This is what's starting to happen to me now.

I am getting this feeling that I just don't WANT to blame people for anything. I haven't deliberately been trying to stop blaming as such, it's just sort of emerging. Some part of me seems to be aware that if I blame, in the act of blame, there is an attack and that *I* actually receive at least some of the effects of that attack. It's not true that the other person is 100% separated from me, and it's not true that they are really guilty. If I am being responsible, it MUST mean that I am doing this to myself and am attacking myself.

So each time I go to scapegoat, i.e. pretend that I even CAN scapegoat, I'm starting to learn or realize that the "blame" is ACTUALLY from myself, to myself, and I WILL experience effects from that. I am becoming aware of those effects, rather than being unconscious of it. And the fact is, outside of denial, this self attack HURTS ME. I do not want to keep hurting myself. It is a natural response, really.

If you could be aware that you can ONLY do anything to yourself, and that if you attack, YOU will be the one who gets ALL of the effects, you would not attack.

It is only because we've been unconscious and split in our mind and believing that there is an "other" that all of the responsibility can be given to (disowning of self), that we even CONCEIVE of the idea of displacing blame onto this "other". Or even that doing so might cause us to NOT be experiencing the effects of the sin. It is only because of DENIAL that it even seems possible that this would be helpful in alleviating guilt.

So while I am in denial and am being dishonest and irresponsible and believing that i am really sinful, I'm going to be really compelled to try to split myself off from that and project it somewhere. But the truth is, I'm not escaping it. Self-attack is self-attack. Nobody else is even being attacked by me at all, so it's not even as though there is this motivation to "be nice to other people". My self-attack has NOTHING to do with anyone else at all, and in truth, NOBODY receives any effects from it. No real effects anyway.

So it's not even as though I'm doing this out of GUILT in relation to trying to be kinder to others. That would actually be a form of self sacrifice which is ego. Instead, it's just the natural dawning of AWARENESS, that because I am responsible, I literally AM doing unto MYSELF as I would have MYSELF do unto me. I am attacking myself, and it is my belief that I am really sinful that is the root of this attack.

So as we have the courage to look at our own belief in our own sinfulness, in the idea of "real sin", and are finding some genuine healing atonement for this, it seems like the truth that we are only attacking ourselves becomes more obvious. I just am becoming aware that if I attack, *I* will feel hurt, and I just don't want to feel that anymore. I don't want to keep finding myself sinful, because now it's not a game of whether or not anyone else is being forgiven (you cannot forgive anyone other than yourself, and there is no need to!), it's a game between me and myself now and how I want to be towards myself.

I don't want to blame others, because I don't want to blame myself, because I don't want to keep finding myself sinful and guilty. I am just losing interest in it. It hurts to hurt myself. I don't want that. This is how my interests become shared interests with others. This is what leads to literally doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, which really means, you are DOING LOVE to others BECAUSE you love yourself. You cannot really do anything to others unless it IS love, because everything else is really self attack.

So it's funny but, in situations where I would've gone right into blame and accusation and scapegoating, I just can't seem to believe my own bullshit anymore. I know its dishonest and irresponsible and denial and not true that it's anyone else's fault. Nobody has done anything to me. No-one is the cause of my upset. I am choosing it. I'm doing this to myself. And I want to stop doing that. I want to recognize my true innocence, and learn to love myself again.

Surrendering to self-love shared with God. I am worthy because in the atonement, it is true that I have not really done anything real, and therefore am still innocent. Accepting that produces a justification to love yourself.

1. "The Separation is merely another term for a split mind."

So the so-called "separation from God" or "being separate" or "believing in separation" is in YOUR mind, in the form of YOUR mind being SPLIT. It splits by attacking, which is sin, which creates a divide or gap, which is also spacetime, and separates part of mind off from the rest.

2. "Projection will ALWAYS hurt you. It reinforces your belief in your own split mind, and its ONLY purpose is to KEEP THE SEPARATION GOING."

You use projection, which is also exclusion and dissociation, in order to increase the separation IN YOUR MIND, by continuing to SPLIT YOUR MIND between seemingly internal and external parts, while identifying only with the internal parts, and with the body which is a symbolic separation device.

3. "In your madness, you OVERLOOK REALITY COMPLETELY, and you see ONLY YOUR SPLIT MIND everywhere you look."

You see a projection of YOUR SPLIT MIND everywhere you look, and then you think that the "separated off" exclusively guilty parts you see are not part of you, but they are, because ideas do not leave their source/mind.

4. "A split mind CANNOT perceive its fullness, and needs the miracle OF its wholeness to dawn upon it and heal it."

YOUR mind needs healing in order to stop being split and return to wholeness. It's not just a matter of not "believing in separation", your mind must STOP SEPARATING itself into two parts. The SPLIT in the mind has to be healed. It's like a psychological wound, a deep rift driven down the center of you.

5. "Your mind IS one with God's. Denying this and thinking otherwise has held your ego together, but has literally split your mind. As a loving brother, I am deeply concerned with your minds"

Denying God is denying wholeness, which therefore induces a state of believing you are less than whole, therefore partial, therefore split apart into parts, therefore separated off and divided. Your mind is in fragments until it becomes healed and reintegrates as a whole mind, one within itself.

6. "It is your task to heal the sense of separation that has made him sick."

You can undo the separation in your mind, AND in your brother's mind, to heal others of the separation. Separation induces illness because it is a denial of wholeness and therefore is against immortality and life. A whole mind is a healthy mind, which in turn induces physical health. Mind is healed by INTEGRATION.

"The purpose of this course is integration."

"The lack of integration which this split state implies"

"Fear produces dissociation because it induces SEPARATION. Healing ALWAYS induces harmony because it proceeds from integration."

"The mind always strives for integration, and if it is split, and WANTS TO KEEP THE SPLIT, it will believe it has ONE goal by MAKING IT ONE."

"True depth perception becomes possible only at the highest order of perceptual integration."

When I recently started to recognize that the whole world is fundamentally unreal, I started to experience "faith" in God. It seemed to require an UNBELIEF that this world is "true", in order to shift my allegiance and dependence over to the unseen Source.

Jesus talks about faith in the Course, in reference to putting our faith in the ego (faithlessness). We have faith in what we believe is true.

"Your faith lies in the darkness, not the light. How can this be reversed?" - lesson 91. "Your faith is placed in the most trivial and insane symbols" - lesson 50

And from Chapter 17 "the call for faith": "Had you not lacked faith that it could be solved, the problem would be gone". "There is no problem in any situation that faith will not solve."

If you believe the world is real and the problems are real and people's sicknesses and suffering is real and sin is real etc, that's a lot of faith being put into the ego. You are siding with it and you are siding with this world. You are convinced by physical appearances and believe this stuff is really happening. There is no faith there.

Now, prior to this shift for me, I've experienced many years of talking to Holy Spirit and Jesus, working with Angels, and having various other interactions with "the other side", and came to depend quite strongly on their guidance each day. And that over time developed trust. But, it didn't develop trust to the level that I'm starting to experience now. It really required me to question whether the ENTIRE WORLD was real and a source of truth.

Some major chunk of belief in the ego world has been withdrawn from it. You have to realize that this world does not contain any truth at all, and notice the ways that you keep trying to find truth in it, and how futile that is. It's like, all this time you were believing in the world and listening to it and trusting it and taking its word for the idea that it was fundamentally real, had factual truth to it, COULD be trusted, and that it was just something wrong with you that was making you incapable of successfully FINDING its secret truth.

And now, suddenly its cover is blown, you have been disappointed by it one too many times, it has lied to you, it has promised that you'll find truth and yet failed every time, and so now you have come to your senses. You withdraw your allegiance from it, withdraw your trust and belief in it, and now are all the wiser. It is NOT to be trusted and cannot be believed, because the truth is not out there. To get this, I think you have really open up to the idea that the whole world is not real in its entirety, including everything in it - people, bodies, planets, space, time, suffering, loss, pain, death, etc. All of it. A big giant lie.

Then you compare this world to God's truth and you start to find out that EITHER God's truth is true or this world is true. Because this world contains so many things that simply cannot fit into God's truth. You must learn and trust that God is unconditional love at all times, which MUST mean, God cannot and does not create suffering, sickness, despair or misery. He would not create death.

"If this were the real world, God would be cruel. For no father could subject his children to this as the price of salvation and be loving. Love does not kill to save. If it did, attack would be salvation, and this is the ego's interpretation, not God's."

As you open up to this, it should dawn on you not just that your mind inside your body has ego in it, but that the body ITSELF is ego, and the physical universe ITSELF is ego. ALL OF IT! This will be somewhat mind blowing. But at the same time you'll discover that it makes incredible sense. And all of a sudden a whole bunch of things that Jesus says in the course suddenly click into place, clear as day. "There is no world", literally, because it is not real. Not just a metaphor, not just an interpretation of your mistaken perception's view of a real world, but literally this whole physical universe is just a DREAM. It really is true.

This is a major turning point in your awareness to realize this. Because now the foundation for all of the ego thought system is exposed. So many mistaken perceptions and beliefs and values are now brought into question in contrast to this new truth, that God's truth is true, God's truth CANNOT create worlds like this, and therefore this world CANNOT be reality. "This world is not my home".

For me, it was at the dawn of STARTING to accept this truth, that I started to find myself experiencing "faith". It was as though I was faithless before. I had now "sided with God". The world seemed much less believable, much less real and trustworthy. I started to notice when I was looking to anything IN IT as a "Source" of truth, or as a solution, or as an answer, or as a way to solve problems. The idea of the "source" of truth had shifted away from this world and began taking root in God. A God, a reality, that is beyond this illusory world entirely.

As Jesus explains, "The miracle is taken first on faith, because to ask for it implies the mind has been made ready to conceive of what it cannot see and does not understand. Yet faith will bring its witnesses to show that what it rested on is really there. And thus the miracle will justify your faith in it, and show it rested on a world more real than what you saw before; a world redeemed from what you thought was there."

What this means is, your sense of REALITY and TRUTH shifts to an UNSEEN world, the world of Spirit, which is God's realm. Even though you may not see it, and you may not directly experience it yet, you have some amount of BELIEF that it contains the truth - a truth which must be more true than the physical world in its entirety. That trust, that belief, which spans and overlooks and bypasses physicality, produces FAITH.

Faith indicates that you trust something that is REAL, and are shifting to an awareness of its existence. At first it may seem distant and remote but over time that faith is going to increase. It's real faith because it is faith in reality. It also means that you're starting to recognize and depend on a SOURCE which is not of this world. A source which provides not only answers and truth, but a source which has power, which is creative, which can express through you, and which performs miracles. It's a source of abundance, a source of correction, and a source of being SUSTAINED by God.

That means, you are now shifting from a "horizontal" belief system in the ego, a linear belief system, where you look to other locations in physical space as the source and cause of things. Before, you believed the only way to be provided for was to earn money at a job. Or you believed the only way to heal was to identify a linear cause in this world. But now, you're going VERTICAL. And that means, you're looking to a SOURCE which completely transcends this world, whereby you actually have access to a creative, abundant source of everything, which can flow through and to you from an unseen place. A supernatural source of support.

Your faith in that source starts to rewrite all the rules about HOW you are going to be able to accomplish things in this world. How money is going to come to you. How health is going to be restored. How relationships will improve. Where you should go and what you should do. It all starts to be inspired by AND empowered by an unseen Source of supernatural POWER, which is God. And this reliance on this Source means that all the laws and rules of this world will be broken in demonstrating faith in it. Miracles. Spontaneous financial abundance. Spontaneous solutions to "problems" which has no basis in the physical "natural" world. It's not going to "come from" this world, because this world is not a real CAUSE. It's going to come from BEYOND this world, supernaturally!

When you go to do things, you will start finding yourself placing an otherworly level of trust in something you don't even see. If it says to go do something, your trust that it is true allows you to trust it and go do it, EVEN IF there are "natural" egoic reasons why not. And as you go do it, with FAITH IN that supernatural power, you go forth miraculously and with light and an empowerment that defies the laws of the ego world. It would seem crazy to depend on a Source of strength that you don't even see yet, but your faith in it will bring forth "witnesses", ie demonstrations and PROOF, that you were right to trust it, and this will only further amplify your reliance upon it.

Now you are no longer alone, you are no longer fighting through life with little power, you are no longer scraping to survive. You have all of Heaven behind you! And not just remotely, but like, working through you, orchestrating events, causing healing miracles, giving you strength that you could not have had if the ego were your source. Bypassing all illusions and all physical laws completely.

God really is a "supernatural God", a miraculous God. This is what we are to come to learn to trust and depend on. Removing our faith in the ego's world and the ego's laws and the ego's version of reality, we are able to shift allegiance to trusting and depending on God for everthing. For me I feel like I am only just getting started in this, and experimenting with it, but I can only see an exciting trend in future towards INCREASE in this faith, INCREASE in miraculous living, INCREASE in abundance from God, INCREASE in joy and happiness, and INCREASE in trust.

Later, as Jesus promises, that which you had ego-defying faith in, beyond the world, which was unseen, will become more and more seen, and more and more demonstrated, to the point where it is no longer unseen. It is all around you and through you. And you will become more directly in the experience of God, finally FULLY believing that only His truth is true, and that there has never been another truth to replace it. YES!!

"For the present IS forgiveness." UrT17D11

This was an eye-opener for me, that you have to be IN THE PRESENT in order to be forgiving. Not only that, but the state of mind that you're in when you're in the present, truly, without a past, is the forgiving state of mind.

There present is where you have no grievances, because all grievances are to do with the past. What someone did or didn't do in the past, past hurts, old arguments, unforgiven conflicts, things which "happened" - past tense. Without a past you cannot have grievances. This is why "the miracle" and the vision of christ ONLY exist in the present.

This also means that when you move into the present, you have to have let go of the past, and brushed it off, and dropped it. So if you had grievances toward a person, you would have to be willing to completely let that go and "forgive" them ie no longer hold it against them as a sin. Because sin is always in the past, along with guilt, and the ego. Only if THERE IS NO PAST is your brother forgiven.

Without a past you see people as they are now, without any history of faults and failures and offences. Being fully and squarely in the present moment of time, with no concern for the future or the past, that's where you find the light. It's where you find the real world, because it means you're taking a look at "reality as it is now", rather than disappearing off into a dream of memory. True accurate perception requires total present attention.

I don't think I've ever heard anyone saying or teaching that forgiveness has to take place in the present moment. And this doesn't mean that when you "do your forgivenesses" you are doing them now in the present. We are not in the present, typically, most of the time, or when we're reciting lessons or quotes or trying to apply the course. Most of the time we're lost in he past and giving lip service to the STATE of forgiveness.

To really forgive, just as Jesus says that miracles are seen in light and the light is in the present and miracles heal only in the present, your mind has to let go of the whole of the past. In fact it has to let go of time, past and future, to experience a holy instant. Being in the "now" is the only way to be actually freed from all forms of suffering, which are always rooted in the past.

You can't really be forgiving toward someone if you still believe they did something, which doesn't just mean writing off what they did and keeping the idea of time. It means actually getting out of time, out of the past, realising the past doesn't even exist, and being in the present. In the present you are taking a fresh new look at a person, immediately and without a history.

"The miracle enables you to see your brother WITHOUT his past, and so perceive him as born again. His errors ARE all past, and by perceiving him WITHOUT them, you are RELEASING him. And since his past is yours, you SHARE in this release. Let no dark cloud out of YOUR past obscure him from you, for truth lies ONLY in the present, and you WILL find it if you seek it there. You have looked for it where it is NOT, and therefore have not found it. Learn, then, to seek it where it IS, and it WILL dawn on eyes that see. Your past was made in anger, and if you use it to ATTACK the present you will NOT SEE the freedom that the present holds. Judgment and condemnation are BEHIND you, and unless you bring them WITH you, you WILL see that you are free of them." UrT12F5

To be in the present is to be forgiving. You can't have any sense of a record of sins people committed, unless you are focused on the past. When you focus on the past you're not really seeing anything at all because you're looking at something that is not there anymore. And so you lose vision. You regain vision, sight, Christ vision, in the light of the present, when you are here now, aligned with the always-now of eternity.

You can either accept what is real and true, or you can deny it. Denying it doesn't mean you change it, or make it go away. It just means you are unwilling to accept that it's still true. It means you're hiding from it and don't want to admit that it's true.

We're all living in a state of denial. A denial of reality, of God, of ourselves, of identity, of truth, of love etc. This denial of reality puts us out of touch with reality, which means we are insane. In this insanity, which is 'sin', we life a fantasy life pretending to be something we're not, such as a body.

Atonement is offered as "accepting the truth". That means accepting reality as it is, accepting who you and others really are, and no longer being at war with God. This puts you in "contact" with reality, because you've been out of touch with it.

"Miracles are examples of right thinking. Reality contact at all levels becomes strong and accurate, thus permitting correct delineation of intra- and interpersonal boundaries. As a result, the doer sees the truth as God created it. This is what is meant by the point on "perspective adjustment."

Our goal is to perceive the truth as God created it. Not to adjust it, or change it, or want something else to be true. To withdraw all artificial values and beliefs and powers and laws, accepting only those given by God. To recognize and accept and live only the reality and life given by God, in its original and raw unchanged form.

To do that we have to come out of denial. We may not even realize we are in denial, because being in denial is not exactly a state of admitting to anything. It's a state of lies and deceptions and an unwillingness to admit the truth. But we need to become aware of the ways that we are in denial, and overcome this denial.

To overcome denial we need to move into acceptance. Acceptance means agreement, and no longer be at war with reality. It means no more resistance, no more fear, no more hiding, no more pretending, just direct raw reality contact and deep honesty. This deep honestly permits full wholeness of awareness. Everything is seen in light and nothing is concealed. And in that state is innocence and peace.

We're basically pouting little ego children who don't want to admit that God loves us. We've thrown away our inheritance from God including his power and love. We think we know better and are in a bad mood off in some corner in the dark plotting revenge.

To get over this denial takes a lot of work to find a way to accept the facts. Acceptance is not easy because you believe that your resistance will get you what you want, will let you keep what you've lost, and will allow you to control reality. By remaining in denial, you can pretend that things are still how you want them. You can even pretend to not admit that someone died, for example, by not accepting that it's happened, as if this keeps them around.

In various ways we are sort of reacting to what we think of as the death of God, the separation, the absence of love. A rift and a relationship breakdown, as if we lost our home and our family and everything we loved and valued. And now everyone is in a state of loss trying to figure out how to get back what they lost, while believing they haven't lost it. When will we accept what is true, that nothing real can ever be lost?

"Everyone is looking for himself and the power and glory he thinks he has lost."

"denial of Life perceives its opposite, as ALL forms of denial replace what IS, with what is NOT. No-one can really DO this, but that you can THINK you can, and BELIEVE YOU HAVE, is beyond dispute."

"This is not difficult to realize in some forms which these self-deceptions take, for the denial of reality is very obvious."

"YOUR denial of reality precludes ACCEPTANCE of God's gift, BECAUSE YOU HAVE ACCEPTED SOMETHING ELSE IN ITS PLACE. If you understand that the misuse of defenses always constitutes an attack on truth, and truth is God, you will realize why this is ALWAYS fearful."

"It is the DENIAL of the spark that brings depression, and whenever you see your brothers WITHOUT it, you ARE denying God."

"Allegiance to the denial of God is the ego's religion. The god of sickness obviously demands the denial of health, because health is in direct opposition to its own survival."

"What makes this world seem real except your own denial of the truth which lies beyond?"

"For the separation is only the DENIAL of union, and, correctly interpreted, attests to your eternal knowledge that union is true."

"The task of the miracle-worker thus becomes to DENY THE DENIAL OF TRUTH."

"The ACCEPTANCE of peace is the denial of illusion, and sickness IS an illusion."

"The resurrection is the denial of death, being the assertion of life."

"ONLY YOU CAN DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF ANYTHING. Do not oppose this realization, for it is truly the beginning of the dawn of light. Remember also that the denial of this simple fact takes many forms, and these you must learn to recognize, and oppose steadfastly and WITHOUT EXCEPTION."

"That is why the ego IS the denial of free will."

"And therefore those who look on sin ARE seeing the DENIAL of the real world."

"All fear comes ultimately, and sometimes by way of very devious routes, from the denial of Authorship."

"Guilt hides Christ from your sight, for it is the denial of the blamelessness of God's Son."

"Being made out of the denial of the Father, the ego has no allegiance to its own Maker."

The world was made to die. It is hell. Bad shit happens, sooner or later. Everything breaks down, suffers, dies in the end. It's an insane world.

However.

When a whole shit ton of bad shite happens, and it keeps coming, at first it seems to attack all the defenses you made against its nature. All your safeties are called into question. All your values are turned upside down. Everything you held dear is threatened. All your expectations that the world can be a great place are shattered. All the bodies that you valued highly are threatened.

You don't realize it at the time but this is a transformation and it's leading somewhere quite useful.

Later when the dust settles, the world has left a very bad taste in your mouth. You think perhaps that you should heal from this by undoing everything that the world did to you, except that you start to notice something.

By turning to vengeance and brutality and cruelty and despair the world (ego) revealed its true nature. It shoved its deadliness in your face. It taunted you with its unfairness and harmfulness. It opened up a chasm of hell and all the voices of sin roared up in front of you. While temptation tried to lead you deeper still into its suffering dirge.

And so now, you got a really good look at the shit hole that it is. It stopped being so hidden and all its fucked-up shite just flew out in the open. And it was hell, but then you noticed.

This is how the world is. Not just "this time". Not just "because it has a grudge against you personally". It's how it ALWAYS is.

And through its destruction of your defenses against this fact, and though its deterioration of the ways this is usually hidden from view, you see the world now more squarely. It's more obvious that it simply, fundamentally, sucks ass. Because it was designed to.

And now a new awareness starts to dawn on you.

While you might've tried to escape from hell's onslaught and veer off into coping mechanisms and avoidance and denial, grasping desperately at the rose-tinted glasses in attempting to scrape together some kind of normality, all of this was brought into question.

And now instead of moving in the direction of trying to dress up the world again, to make it home again, to repair the breakdown, to create another illusion of safety in the midst of turmoil, you instead shift direction.

You notice that you've been doing this your whole life. Building up defenses against death. Believing the world can be a great place to be. Trying to assemble a home to shut out the brutality and attacks of the outside world. Forming special relationships and allegiances to defend against the enemies. All this hiding. All this defending. All this avoiding. It comes to a halt.

And now you realize it wasn't just that the world COULD be a great place, and you just weren't very good at making it one, it's actually that there's a much bigger thing going on here. The world is DESIGNED TO FAIL. Over and over again. It is HELL BENT on death and destruction. It WANTS to end and it wants to end you. This is is NATURE. But no-one told you that, and everyone taught you of its illusory virtues and hopeful outcomes and partial loveliness.

It wasn't you. It wasn't just your efforts and your denials. It's the world. It's not just something you did wrong that kept making things fail. All the times you hoped that things would be better. All the wishful thinking. It was all pointless given that the world, itself, was ALWAYS going to end in the dirt.

And now the disguise has been taken off. The world's bullshit has slapped your face rather too openly, and now you are no longer in the business of defending IT, or dressing IT up to be something pretty, or imagining that ITS nature is fundamentally good. No more trying to turn the world into heaven or expecting that it CAN be that.

There is now a willingness to recognize, to accept, this world just wants to die. And it's always dying. And everything in it dies. It's not you, it's not even personal. It's just how the world is. It's it's nature. Kill or be killed, and kill anyway. This whole planet is going to turn to dust someday, or the sun will explode and destroy it. That's a fact. This is the inevitability of the wages of sin, in a world driven by laws of death.

In a way, the world's onslaught has done you a favor. It's brought into question all your little home-making defenses and all your special values and things you liked about it. It's ripped your life apart and destroyed your idol worship. It's shown itself it be cruel, desperate, unfair, brutal, vicious and deadly. And it cares not. Because it can't do anything but make everything die.

So now you know. Your eyes have been opened. No more denial about this world being a pretty bundle of icecream and kittens. This is the recognition that the world IS hell. It's NOT your home. It's designed to make you suffer and all things in it are cruel and tempt sin and guilt.

"The body's eyes are therefore not the means by which the real world can be seen, for the illusions that they look upon must lead to more illusions of reality. And so they do. For everything they see not only will not last, but lends itself to thoughts of sin and guilt. "

You had taught yourself that this world was your home. You taught yourself it could be heaven. You taught yourself things in it didn't have to die. You taught yourself you could avoid and resist and deny all you want, but eventually it still turns to shit, and there seems to be nothing you can do about it.

Form, flesh, appearances, bodies, animals, nature, planets, galaxies, it's all part of a system of death. Take the veil off. Lift away the lies. See through the temptation to believe otherwise. Undo the confusion, in which you thought this world was heaven. Reverse the lies, in which you thought there was truth and reality and holiness to something which is just a dream of nothingness. See the world for what it IS.

The world is just an illusion of a world, the hell you made, an opposite to life, and designed to do nothing but destroy God's son. There is no way out of it except through forgiveness. There are no roads made of its hellish substrate that lead out of it. Everything dies here. It's what it does. Spacetime makes sure of that.

Recognizing this is seeing through illusions, not being deceived and learning. While hell came to take the truth from you, all it ended up doing was exposing itself. And now that you've had a good hard look at its desperate sucky ness, you can see it's not the dressed-up doll you thought it was. And that's a good thing. You now recognize it's made to die, so you can stop trying to run away from this, or expect otherwise for its forms.

You can indeed certainly become miraculous and overthrow all this, demonstrating that all this can be changed BECAUSE its an illusion. You can show that you are under the laws of ANOTHER world. You can demonstrate this world's fundamental bullshit by reversing its bullshit. But the world is what it is. And it will end because it never really began.

Perhaps the light at the end of the tunnel, or the "gift" that has come of this passage through darkness, is that you can now see, without the blinders on, what this world really is like. And seeing that sets you free, because only denial keeps you bound to the lies. And recognizing the world's nature gives you power over it. It is ONLY what it is, and nothing else. It is ONLY an illusion, not a reality. It is ONLY a dream of death, NOT real life. There is nothing in it worth having or that you want, because everything you really want and value is of God. And that lives in another world.

Here's the common fact for most of us right now. We VALUE something about this world and do not want to leave it. That's why we're here. That's why we SEE it.

We have a long list of reasons to STAY. We therefore do not actually RECOGNIZE what the world is, or its nature. Instead, we have blinded ourselves and have convinced ourselves that it is something is it NOT. We have overlaid upon it meanings that seem to give credit where it is not due, give value where it is unworthy, and even idolizes aspects of it in a state of worship.

If we did truly recognize what the world IS, we would not want it. In fact, this is why we need to be willing to take a good hard look at its nature without flinching or denial. This is part of sorting out what is true and what is false. We need to learn that we DO NOT WANT anything in the world. Not because we hate it, but because it simple is so false and unnatural and actually offers nothing at all, and therefore there IS nothing there to have.

We only want the world because we have decided to value something about it, and have therefor GIVEN it value. What if the world is completely and utterly valueless, worthless, meaningless, pointless, futile, ridiculous and unbelievable? What if it can add absolutely nothing whatsoever to God's creation?

What if in and of itself it is so utterly devoid of meaning that it isn't even really anything at all? And what if all it has to offer are choiceless roads which ALL leads to death? Would you want it if you recognize it as a slaughterhouse?

UrM14A4 "Does one whose vision has already glimpsed the Face of Christ look back with longing on a slaughter house? No-one who has escaped the world and all its ills looks back on it with condemnation. Yet he must rejoice that he is free of all the sacrifice which its values would demand of him."

If we are not willing to recognize the world's true nature, which is part of true (accurate) perception, distinguishing clearly that it is NOT the incredible amazing thing that we thought it was, then we will also NOT be willing to leave it. Who would want to leave a castle that they cherish and value and adore and think of as their home? Who would want to leave a place they think is valuable and worthy and loyal and true?

"Each thing you value here is but a chain that binds you to the world," UrW128L2

This tells you that you have to learn to NOT VALUE ANYTHING in the world. And this actually doesn't require you to attack or hate the world in any way, all it requires is for you to RECOGNIZE it. Because in truth, in actual fact, it HAS no value because it is really nothing. The truth that there is not even really a world here has to dawn upon your mind by recognizing its NOTHINGNESS.

If you are willing to really push your mind to recognize the worlds total valuelessness, the worthelssness of the body, and the complete unimportance of everything here, it will simultaneously give ample justification and motivation for seeking out ANOTHER world. There MUST be a better way. There MUST be a world devoid of pain. There MUST be a higher reality and a greater truth than the complete failure that the world has to offer.

So long as you do not clearly see the world's worthless nothingness, you will not WANT to go back to heaven. So long as you do not recognize its insanity, you will think it's not so bad. So long as you think pleasure is not pain, and you can do things here without a cost, you will carry on doing them. So long as you think you are gaining something real and valuable here, you will sacrifice your soul and lose sight of reality.

It doesn't require for you to attack or condemn or accuse the world in order to find the clarity that you DO NOT WANT IT. You didn't want it when you made it. It was projected out of your mind because you did not want what was in your mind.

UrT11D10 "You still could not will against Him, and that is why you have no control over the world you made. It is NOT a world of will, because it is governed by the desire to be unlike Him. And this desire IS NOT WILL. The world you made is therefore totally chaotic, governed by arbitrary and senseless "laws," and without meaning of ANY kind. For it was made out of what you do NOT want, projected FROM your mind, because you were AFRAID of it."

T11G3 "YOU DO NOT WANT THE WORLD."

T12G2 "You do not really want the world you see, for it has disappointed you since time began."

If you value the world you are giving it a value it does not have. And if you value it you will anchor yourself to it. And by valuing it you will see it. And it will become your reality. Yet if you recognize it as unwanted, undesirable, valueless, worthless and nothing, then you will naturally be in a position to want something else. You will want the Kingdom because you will value it and recognize its inherent worth. It is worth having because it is real and true and meaningful.

UrT9E8 "In your open mind are YOUR creations, in perfect communication, born of perfect understanding. Could you but accept one of them, you would not want ANYTHING the world has to offer. Everything else would be totally meaningless. God's meaning is incomplete without you, and you are incomplete without your creations."

UrT12G3 "The only effort you need make, to give this world away in glad exchange for what you did NOT make is willingness to learn THE ONE YOU MADE IS FALSE."

UrT12G14 "My peace I GIVE you. TAKE it of me, in glad exchange for all the world has offered but to TAKE AWAY. And we will spread it, like a veil of light, across the world's sad face, in which we hide our brothers FROM the world, and it from them."

When we look at the nature of reality, of heaven's laws, we find that it's kind of a combination of "oneness" and "multiplicity." We're told in ACIM there are many creations of God, plus our own creations, plus the Holy Spirit. There's a permanent trinity. So there's many things going on. But at the same time, it is all one.

The thing that's really super difficult to conceive of is how it's possible for one thing to be two things, while still being one thing. Like, how one son of God can be an individual, and another son of God can be an individual, but still at the same time there is effectively no boundary preventing them from being completely one.

I think that what this implies is reality really is paradoxical. The special "something" that allows one to be two, and two to be one, transcends all possible explanations. You can talk about one aspect of it at a time, such as focusing on the one. Or focusing on the many. And you can sort of tie them together by describing their holographic relationship. But there's no way whatsoever to blend those two into a single 'theory'.

Jesus actually refers to the special "something" that allows each soul to have everything simultaneously, as "the miraculous power of the soul." Somehow there is some way, in reality, without breaking any laws, for God to create many beings, WITHOUT in any way reducing or limiting the fact that they are STILL completely 100% one with him. They are joined, but they are not joined, and yet they are joined. He calls that "miraculous power".

"Each Soul knows God completely. This IS the miraculous power of the Soul." I think that truly, what this reveals is that first of all, as you approach God you're approaching a transcendental, omnipresent, paralogical and paradoxical state, in which all rules and limits just fly out the window. This actually literally forces it to be IMPOSSIBLE to come up with a "universal theology".

I think it may even be correct to say there will NOT EVER be a "unified theory of everything", scientifically speaking. When you approach reality everything becomes everything else. It becomes a kind of infinite blur. It is specific, yet abstract. It is personal, yet impersonal. There are many parts, yet they are all one, and each part is the one whole. And it also means one number equals all numbers. You can't even do math at that point.

So really the nature of reality is that it literally cannot ever be explained. This isn't actually a matter of whether people are smart enough, or whether they can study it, or whether there are things they can or cannot say about it, or whether words or formulas are satisfactory. It's simply that the NATURE of God is so transcendental that it utterly defies any attempt whatsoever to pin it down, limit it, confine it, label it, put it in a box, or break it up into nice little pieces. It's nature is just so incredibly "everything at once" that you just can't MAKE a concept about it.

I think also that this "true nature" of reality is very appropriately described as "miraculous". It seems as though its nature is utterly impossible. Yet at the same time, it is possible. It seems impossible that one thing can be two things, or two things can be one thing, while still being two things. But somehow this is the nature of reality. Every son of God is the whole kingdom. And yet there are many sons. And what makes that possible at all is so beyond and defying all possible explanations that you really have to just say, it is miraculous in the true sense. It utterly defies explanation.

Because of that, I think we can say that it cannot EVER be understood. Not that it can't be KNOWN, or make sense to those who experience it, but there can never be a theory accurate or encompassing enough to describe it. You will never find a full definition of "what makes it possible" in any text book.

An extension of that is, that quite possibly, even after years of trying, the answer may be that we CANNOT UNDERSTAND MIRACLES. They have a nature which transcends all logic. Even very advanced paralogical reasoning simply reveals that reality is more than just "one or two", it's BOTH one AND two at the same time, and there will not ever be a way for anyone to get their head around that. This is why I think in ACIM Jesus says that you do not understand miracles.

So I think we've spent so much time and years trying to understand what a miracle is, how it works, what makes it function, how to do them etc, and ultimately it's actually a fact that we cannot ever understand them. The Holy Spirit knows them and so dose Jesus and perhaps when we reach a state of total enlightenment it will dawn on us that WE simply ARE miraculous and our natural way of expressing in that state of sharing has miraculous qualities. But HOW that's actually possible I think may remain so transcendental that no-one will ever be able to truly explain it.

I think in some ways we can get close to it, we can come up with models and symbols to try to reveal some of its properties. We can see that it seems to be a paralogical, paradoxical, omnipresent, holographic kind of a system. Where seeming impossible things become possible. But I don't think we can get much closer than that. Which means if you really want to be intimate with it you're going to have to live it, experience it, and be it.

There is a pivotal moment when you let go of the ego's hand and decide to take the hand of Christ.

This can and will happen in many scenarios and many times over. And it's going to happen in your "real life" in relation to people and your beliefs about people.

Cate Grieves gave a good example of this recently in relation to her daughter where she would clash with the "ego" in her daughter, or rather, her own inner fight with her own ego projected there, but after having enough, one day she finally decided to recognize the Christ in her and to relate only to that identity, not to the ego. And everything shifted. That's an example of letting go of the ego's hand and taking the hand of Christ.

Similarly I had spent many many years believing in sickness, thinking it was real, irreversible, truth. Each time I saw it I had reactions and grief. I believed it was real. It was actually horrifying to see disability and very upsetting because I believed it was real, and how tragic it was what had been lost as a result of it. All that suffering was ego bullshit.

I had gone through many many periods of trying to heal it, fix it, rescue the person, trying to learn about what caused it, diagnosing it, figuring out why it happened etc. All of these ways that I was actually continually using the ego to try to find some kind of truth outside of me. Always it would lead me to dead ends and failing to find anything that made sense. It was infuriating. I tried and tried and tried to explain why and how the sickness happened and all that did was justify and keep it.

And this was all because I believed my own ego, my own intellect's ability to diagnose truthfully (which is impossible), and that if I would seek externally for truth I would actually be able to find it, if I looked hard enough. But this was all classic seek-and-do-not-find tactics. It was all based on me believing that the problem was real.

One day, I was getting to where I had really had enough, like, fucking hell I cannot put up with this bullshit any more. And I was starting to recognize with Jesus' help the ways that I kept trying to solve this "real problem", and He was just always trying to get me to surrender and stop doing that. When I was in 'fix it' mode my mind was just lost like in a tunnel vision of thinking that I was going to find the answer, not realizing and not having the awareness that this was fundamentally impossible. The entire basis for my searching was flawed and based in the ego, so I was trapped and failing before I even started.

Somehow enough of these events of futility and failure and gradual tiny steps in becoming aware of this, led to a moment where it started to dawn on me. I started to finally get it. This had all been based on the idea that sickness was REAL. And that also fed into an awareness that was growing in me that there just was no truth out there whatsoever. I had been looking in the wrong place - in the ego - for a truth that doesn't exist there. And that maybe this whole world had no truth in it at all.

Up until that point I'd been believing that the world was real and sickness was real and sin was real. Even if some part of me understood otherwise. And my belief that there is somehow a truth in this world just met with a total loss in finding it. That was GOOD, because it revealed to me that this ego pursuit was totally a distraction, and a pointless one at that. There IS no truth in the world. The truth is NOT out there. This really started a MAJOR shift in my awareness that has been leading to just a tremendous flood of insight and awakening lately.

But the main thing is, I had to question whether sickness was real. And that meant even going against everyone else who said sickness was real. Going against the doctors and the neighbors and the family members and even those closest to me who all believed in real sickness. I had to find enough certainty and be pissed off enough and fed up enough to finally say FUCK THAT. There is no truth there. So I decided, or at least found enough of a sense of conviction, like a ray of light peeking through the window for the first time, to open up to the idea that sickness is not reality, because this world is not reality.

This was a major turn of events because this has now laid a foundation for really huge strides forward, a foundation for hope, a foundation for miracles, and a foundation for healing. That would not have been possible had I remained in the ego belief that sickness is truth. So in this same way, I became able to let go of the ego's hand and take the hand of Christ. And because it took such tremendous frustration and desperation to exhaust the ego's bullshit and to really reveal to myself that this fundamentally major world-wide claim about real sickness was total f'ing bullshit.

So now something is different for me. It's a turning point, suddenly instead of looking at, believing in, and reacting to "real sickness", I am learning how it is an illusion, I am starting to actually overlook it, which means I am finally actually forgiving it. My mind and awareness are shifting and I'm seeing sickness in a whole different way. I'm no longer allowing the ego interpretation of it to be the limit of my belief or awareness, and instead am opening up to the Christ perspective that sickness is not the truth. It's not real, and because it is not real, it can be undone.

These shifts happen in big ways and small ways. Each time you come to question or doubt the ego and see that it's been leading you on a wild goosechase, and its claims are not the truth, you gradually let go of its hand and shift allegiance to Christ. You go from perceiving FORM as though it's real, and looking beyond it. You go from seeing people as real bodies, to no longer regarding them as "just that". Your vision no longer stops at sight of form and it starts to see a truth that transcends it. The person is not their body. The person is not their ego.

This basically means you are gradually de-coupling yourself from form, and are actually letting go of your own body at the same time. Everything in front of your eyes is an attempt to get you to see it as real, and to fail to overlook/forgive, leading to judgement. We need to learn to not believe it! It's not real. It's not truth. Form is just an effect of an idea, not a solid reality. Nor is it fixed, and nor is it identity.

Form is not the truth about a person. Their body is not the truth about them. Their personality/persona/shadow is not the truth about them. They actually are more than that. Even when they are filled with hate and rage, that's still not true about them. Their real self, holy and innocent, is still in there somewhere, just temporarily covered up. It doesn't go away! This justifies unconditional love at all times.

"The body is a dream". "The body is the central figure in the dreaming of the world. There IS no dream without it, nor does it exist without the dream"

The dream is coming from the mind of a dreamer. The dreamer is dreaming of a world, and a body within that world. The dreamer puts the body there and puts the environment there and moves it all around, making it seem alive.

If the dreamer forgets that they are dreaming it, they will lose the perspective of who and what they are. They will cease to know themselves as the dreamer of the dream. And now they will forget that they are the one dreaming it.

"Thus are you NOT the dreamer, but the DREAM. And so you wander idly in and out of places and events that IT contrives.""Like to a dream of punishment, in which the dreamer is unconscious of what brought on the attack against himself, he sees himself attacked unjustly, and by something NOT himself."

And now the world will seem to be being dreamed by someone else, happening by some other will, and doing things to the dream body against its will. And now instead of believing you are the dreamer you will believe your are the dream, at its effect.

"He CANNOT doubt his dreams' reality BECAUSE he does not see the part he plays in MAKING them, and MAKING them seem real. No-one can waken from a dream the world is dreaming FOR him. He becomes a part of someone ELSE'S dream. He CANNOT choose to waken from a dream he did not make."

This identifies you with being the very dream body which you are dreaming of. And now you think that you are not dreaming of a body, but that the body is real. And that it is your self. And now you seem to walk around within the dream as if the body is your mind.And then things in the dream seem to happen to the dream body and this seems to threat you, as a dream body. And now you seek escape from these threats, and ways to adjust to the dream. And you live in fear and are in states of unconsciousness, ending in sickness and death.

All of this suffering seems to befall you not because it is happening against your will, but because you have forgotten that you are the dreamer of the dream. You have lost sight of the fact the entire dream environment is happening inside your mind. And you have forgotten that you cannot possible be a mere tiny part of the dream, or any of it.

Your sense of identity has to shift back to the recognition of the reality of yourself, as the dreamer, in order to acknowledge your freedom from the dream itself. This must entail you dis-identifying from the dream body, not mistaking it for your self, not believing anything it seems to experience, and not losing track of your true nature as spirit.

"Let us return the dream he gave away unto the dreamer, who perceives the dream as SEPARATE from himself, and done to HIM.""You share NO evil dreams, if you forgive the dreamer, and perceive that he is NOT the dream he made. And so he CANNOT be a part of YOURS, from which you BOTH are free. Forgiveness SEPARATES the dreamer from the evil dream, and thus releases him."

By lifting yourself above the battlefield and outside of the context of the dream contents, you can now see that it really is just a dream, in your mind, and not really a world. And anything happening in the dream is merely part of what you decide must happen. Because you are the ruler of the dream universe.

"My Self is ruler of the universe." - It is impossible that anything should come to me unbidden by myself. Even in this world, it is I who rule my destiny. What happens is what I desire. What does not occur is what I do not want to happen. This must I accept."

"For you would not react at all to figures in a dream you knew that YOU were dreaming. Let them be as hateful and as vicious as they may, they COULD have no effect on you, unless you failed to recognize it is YOUR dream. This single lesson learned will set you free from suffering, WHATEVER form it takes.

A world forgiven is a world recognized as not being responsible for what it seems to do. Because the world is merely the effect of your causality, your mind's dreaming. You are the one putting it there and making it move. Your mind makes the world turn. You make the bodies move. You make bad things happen. And both sickness and death are simply of your making.

"Miracles enable you to heal the sick and raise the dead." "You made sickness and death and therefore can abolish both."

You are the maker of the world. The dreamer of the dream. The causer of its events. The source of its illusions. The reason why it acts as it acts. The beginning of its nature. And the end of its suffering.

"God's teachers choose to look on dreams a while. It is a conscious choice. For they have learned that all choices are made consciously, with full awareness of their consequences. The dream says otherwise, but who would put his faith in dreams once they are recognized for what they are? Awareness of dreaming is the real function of God's teachers. They watch the dream figures come and go, shift and change, suffer and die. Yet they are not deceived by what they see. They recognize that to behold a dream figure as sick and separate is no more real than to regard it as healthy and beautiful. Unity alone is not a thing of dreams. And it is this God's teachers acknowledge as behind the dream, beyond all seeming and yet surely theirs.""I am not at the effect of the world I see."

"It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain. Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in any way. There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression. No-one but yourself affects you. There is nothing in the world which has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are."

"Nothing more fearful than an idle dream has terrified God's Son, and made him think that he has lost his innocence, denied his Father, and made war upon himself. So fearful is the dream, so seeming real, he could not waken to reality without the sweat of terror and a scream of mortal fear, unless a gentler dream preceded his awaking, and allowed his calmer mind to welcome, NOT to fear, the Voice that called with love to waken him."

"The happy dreams the Holy Spirit brings are different from the dreams of the world, where one can merely dream he is awake. The dreams forgiveness lets the mind perceive do not induce another form of sleep, so that the dreamer dreams another dream. His happy dreams are heralds of the dawn of truth upon the mind. They lead from sleep to gentle waking, so that dreams are gone. And thus they cure for all eternity."

I had a stream of realizations and insights and healing this morning, into how I used someone else abusing me as a way to deny God's love. It has to do with the "key to salvation" - which is that I "did this to myself". I'm skipping way ahead to the conclusion so I'll explain how I got there.

Years ago I was abused by someone close to me on more than one occasion and it hurt a lot. Emotionally I felt hurt, rejected, abandoned, unloved. I was angry at them and could not forgive them, nor did I want to. I thought it was all about them and what they did to me.

The past week or so I've been having intensified emotional releases (cries) really tapping into the core of these feelings. I wasn't in any way ready to forgive this. Sometimes you just have to feel the feelings fully first because the intense 'energy' really pulls your awareness away from any kind of clarity or willingness. And especially resisting releasing hurt feelings blocks any kind of desire to have insights. So I felt.

This then gave way to some readiness to take a closer looks so I invited Holy Spirit to help me to look at it. I looked at what the person did and how that made me feel. I saw that it made me feel unloved and unworthy, just feeling bad about myself like I wasn't good enough to be loved. Guilty. Sinful. But I knew that somehow I must've had a hand in these beliefs - that I must've gone along with them somehow. I was willing to admit that I believed and agreed to these views of myself. Since the other person was withholding love, it must've meant to me that they didn't believe I was loveable so I went along with that and saw myself that way.

But what I then saw was that this belief in unworthiness/unloveability wasn't just some kind of description of myself, but that it had BECOME myself. I believed it was WHAT I was - as though I was somehow made from unlove. I still at this point couldn't see how the other person being abusive could in any way be helpful to me spiritually, but I was willing to let Holy Spirit continue to guide me toward that awareness.

As I saw myself agreeing to the suggestion that I was unworthy - the 'proof' that I was unworthy - I began to realize this couldn't be true because, at least in theory, I am worthy of God's love. So I started to then go over some of the things I believed, but in a context of it being not true. So for example, it's not true that I don't deserve love, it's not true that I am made from unworthiness, it's not true that I am abandoned or rejected, it's not true that I don't deserve to be happy. A few things came out of this including the belief that I didn't deserve happiness, didn't deserve to express myself, wasn't allowed to be myself, should be afraid of expressing myself or being free in case it happens again, being afraid of punishment, etc. So I added these to the list of what is not true.

It was then that it started to dawn on me. I knew that in theory God wasn't the one who rejected me, and that it was me who had been denying God. Suddenly it was clear - this supposed belief in unworthiness, and the supposed scenario of it being put in place by someone else's abuse, was in fact a COVER UP. I actually wanted to believe I was unworthy. I wanted to believe I was not loveable. I somehow did not WANT God to love me. I saw that I'd chosen to believe I was not 'made of' loveable material so that I could demonstrate that what I was wasn't loveable by God. I was trying to prove that God couldn't love 'this' by portraying myself AS unworthiness, AS unloveable-ness.

And with this it became clear also, that I HIRED and USED the abusive person to not just do stuff 'to me' but to do it to me FOR ME - on my behalf. At some point I organized events so that this person would come along and be abusive because I wanted to have a way to JUSTIFY and explain and rationalize WHY I am not loveable. I hired them to act the part and play the role. And I had been blaming THEM for being the perpetrator when, all along, it was me that had ASKED them to do this. This was the key to unlocking the illusion that I'd been *unfairly* treated, victimized, or attacked against my will. Clearly if I wanted this person to be an attacker and to reject and hurt me, it would ALLOW me to position myself as not worth the love of God - so that I could fulfill my hidden agenda of denying God's will and being separate. Jeez.

So now it was possible to simply acknowledge/recognize the innocence of that person - to overlook seeing them as sinful or guilty (forgiveness) - that they had not done this to me against my will. And this is where the next thing came to me. If the attacking person is not guilty because I hired them to do this on purpose, because I wanted to be able to justify why I should be separate from God, and if God also was not involved because He remains unconditionally loving at all times... then... who is there left to pin this on? Who is responsible for this? I AM. When there is nobody to blame and I can see the choice I made... it was ME. I did it.

I saw myself as 100% totally responsible for having chosen this, having organized it, produced it, made it happen - in effect, as having requested it, WANTED it, and chose it. I did it to myself on purpose! I wanted to be unloveable so that I could be what God does not want so that I could have an ego life. The whole purpose of my conspiracy was to scapegoat the attacker so that I could cover up the fact that I 100% chose this. I can't very well keep blaming anyone else when I can see clearly that I asked for it, literally. So what did this leave me with?

If I'm 100% responsible for trying to deny God on purpose, and for arranging attackers to give me reasons to PROVE why I am separate from God, so that I can JUSTIFY my failure to forgive, then that means... I'm the one left holding the baby. I'm the one who made the choice. I'm the one who DID THIS TO MYSELF. And with nowhere else to go, and nobody else to scapegoat, and no way to blame it on God, being able to see I did this to myself made it immediately obvious what the next step would be. It was ridiculous to keep doing this. It was stupid to have done this in the first place. I simply had no choice but to ADMIT I made a mistaken choice, to STOP making this painful fruitless choice that I no longer wanted, and to LET IT GO. I could not let it go if I still wanted it, and nobody was forcing me to do so for any reason - I had to be willing to choose again, to decide, to surrender this choice I'd made on my own and let Holy Spirit choose for me.

The truth was I had been trying to deny and reject God with my secret plan and that I did not want to be worthy of love. I had always thought I had umpteen reasons why I wasn't worthy enough because of other people or wasn't able to be myself freely in case someone abuses me or whatever... And all along it was really secretly me making EXCUSES for why *I* didn't want to be loved anyway. It was all because of what I was doing to myself. It was all a smokescreen to cover up my decision to not be loveable. So. .. To let that go.... FREES ME, not because I'm somehow freed from other people's tyranny, and not because God suddenly changed his mind, but because there really WAS no one else making me be unloveable other than my DECISION to be that way.

I can choose again. I can choose to stop doing this to myself, this silly game, since it is FUTILE, and I DO NOT LIKE IT, so I can just drop it like a hot potato. And what's the result of that.... Accepting and admitting that I AM LOVEABLE and WORTHWHILE and perfectly accepted already by love. It was never about me not being actually loveable, it was always about ME DENYING the love. Denying God. Pretending there was a reason to not be loved. It's bullshit. I admit it.

So freeing - to set yourself free - to realize you were free all along. To reclaim love and be free to be who you really are. Game over.

This also interestingly parallels the discussion about the fact that we choose death - that all death is suicide. The truth was that my unloveability was MY DELIBERATE CHOICE because I WANTED to deny God. Everything else was a coverup job. This is the death wish. The decision to be beyond love's reach - beyond life's reach. And the reversal of this wish for death is a choice to BE ALIVE. This is a reclaiming of and a step towards accepting immortality. Immortality is already the truth, it's just a matter now of removing all of the denial and deliberate choices made against it.

In ACIM, Jesus spells out that forgiveness and atonement are the same thing, and so is true perception. These are all a state in which there is recognition, accurate perception, and a forgiving attitude which sees that there is no sin. Or moreso, it is the acknowledgment and re-acceptance of God's truth and the willingness to accept your permanent innocence, as you are in the Kingdom.

"For true perception is a remedy with many names. Forgiveness, salvation, Atonement, true perception, all are one. They are the one beginning, with the end to lead to oneness far beyond themselves. True perception is the means by which the world is saved from sin, for sin does not exist. And it is this that true perception sees."

You can see that Jesus mingles these terms interchangeably. For example, here Jesus mixes forgiveness with true perception as a way of looking:

"Forgiveness looks on sinlessness alone, and judges not."

"But forgiveness looks past bodies. This is its holiness; this is how it heals."

"This is the shift that true perception brings: What was projected out is seen within, and there forgiveness lets it disappear."

And here he mixes true perception and atonement, also indicating that a forgiving attitude produces atonement, which means it also produces true perception:

"It is concerned only with Atonement, or the correction of perception. The means of the Atonement is forgiveness."

And here he tells us that complete forgiveness, aka true perception, is a state in which you have let guilt go, and have accepted atonement.

"If what you offer IS complete forgiveness, you MUST have LET GUILT GO, accepting the Atonement for yourself, and learning you ARE guiltless."

And here he refers to atonement as the undoing of errors, which is accomplished by forgiveness, which is ITSELF the state of atonement and true perception.

"The sole responsibility of God's teacher is to accept the Atonement for himself. Atonement means correction, or the undoing of errors."

Also how about this:

"Healing and Atonement are not related; they are identical."

"there are no degrees of Atonement. It is the one complete concept possible in this world, because it is the source of a wholly unified perception."

"Accept Atonement and you are healed. Atonement is the Word of God."

"The offer of Atonement is universal. It is equally applicable to all individuals in all circumstances. And in it is the power to heal all individuals of all forms of sickness."

Here is something to consider which might be controversial. Jesus refers to forgiveness as a means of accomplishing atonement, but also as completely synonymous with the atonement itself. Because complete forgiveness is the atonement is the state you enter with true perception. Which means, by implication, that any state prior to acceptance of atonement is NOT forgiveness.

There is a very widely prevalent myth therefore in the ACIM community that we are to "do forgiveness" in order to reach atonement. But atonement IS forgiveness. So what are we to call that which leads UP TO it? Perhaps a better term which Jesus uses is "purification"

"Miracles are everyone's right (miracle mindedness is also the same thing as atonement and true perception), but purification is necessary first."

Now, we need to look at something a bit deeper. The main pivotal cornerstone of the ego's thought system is SIN. Sin can go one of two ways. If you take sin to be real, forgiveness is not justified, and so you become UNforgiving. Sin becomes a condemnation and attack, and you move into guilt.

But when you go the other way, if you take sin and recognize its unreality, untruth, and non-existence, THAT will put you into the state of forgiveness. And in effect, that means this recognition of "there is no sin" IS the atonement, and IS the basis for true perception or corrected perception. It is a forgiving way of seeing (Christ Vision).

This all "hinges" around sin. Don't forgive it and you move into guilt. Forgive it and you move into the recognition of innocence which is true forgiveness.

"From sin comes guilt as surely as forgiveness takes all guilt away."

But let's take it even further.

There are two thought systems. One is the thought system of God which is Heaven and the Kingdom. Reality is run by this thought system because this is where God actually DOES His thinking, and all creative thought OCCURS there. Thats where the thought system IS.

Then, in contrast, the ego thought system, which opposes God's thought system, can be said to be LOCATED on this side of the idea of separation and sin. On this side, where sin is real, the entire contents of being on this side of the fence is unforgiving.

So what Jesus is asking us to do, really, is to take our mind out of the ENTIRE realm of unforgiveness, ie the entire ego thought system, and put it BACK into the Kingdom. Which means crossing over from the thought system of ego to the thought system of God.

What this means is that the Atonement and the acceptance of it, is an acceptance that God's system of thought is true and real, and it's a way of really regaining access to the Mind of God, to the Kingdom, and to your innocent holy self which resides on the OTHER side of the separation divide. Essentially, in another world.

So when we get into the state of forgiveness, in which there is nothing to forgive because sin is recognized as not existing, and thus no sin is perceived as true, it really means we're re-accessing heaven.

To accept atonement is the ONLY cure and the ONLY way to TRULY undo something. "Only atonement can be said to cure", meaning that only in the moment that you accept the truth about you that is IN HEAVEN, does your mind completely change and is cured and healed of its false beliefs.

Accepting atonement on any particular issue should entail you flipping over from the ego thought system to God's thought system. Going from sin and guilt, to innocence. Going from not accepting God's love, to accepting it.

There are actually some statements Jesus makes where he is saying that you do not REALLY change your mind, UNTIL you switch to the holy thought system. Which means getting out of the ego system ENTIRELY and putting your mind back into reality.

"To "change your mind" means to place it at the disposal of True authority. The miracle is thus a sign that the mind has elected to be guided by Christ in HIS service. The abundance of Christ is the natural result of choosing to follow him."

"the power of your simple change of mind: I loose the world from all I thought it was, And choose my own reality instead."

"The tiny change of mind by which the crucifixion is changed to Resurrection. And, being true, it is so simple that it cannot fail to be completely understood."

"Your hand becomes the giver of Christ's touch; your change of mind becomes the proof that who accepts God's gifts can never suffer anything."

"And it will change entirely as you elect to change your mind, and choose the joy of God as what you really want."

Only choosing between TRUTH and ILLUSIONS, is your only choice, which is a choice BETWEEN thought systems, and therefore BETWEEN WORLDS. Either you will accept yourself as you are innocent in Heaven, or will accept yourself as sinful within the ego realm.

"Knowledge cannot dawn on a mind full of illusions, because truth and illusions are irreconcilable. Truth is whole, and CANNOT be known by PART of a mind."

While atonement and thus forgiveness and true perception might well be "illusions" within this world, outside the Kingdom, they are reflections of the Kingdom, and thus reflections of the truth about you IN the Kingdom. Accepting atonement is accepting that you are still as God created you, as you are in the Kingdom.

But Jesus clearly tells us that the FULL acceptance of Atonement SHOULD take you INTO HEAVEN. Whereby even true perception ends.

"Since perception rests on lack, those who perceive have not totally accepted the Atonement and given over themselves to truth. Perception IS a separated state, and the perceiver DOES need healing. Communion, not prayer, is the natural state of those who know. God and HIS miracles (you) are inseparable."

So when thinking of forgiveness, and doing forgiveness, or applying the course, we need to realize that if we DON'T get all the way to the atonement principle on some issue, we HAVE NOT really fully forgiven it. If we still believe that something happened or that sin was real, we are not IN a forgiving state of mind. In order to DO a forgiveness, successfully, essentially REQUIRES that you accept atonement - to accept the truth of your total ongoing innocence, and the complete recognition that there HAS NOT BEEN anything that needs forgiving.

While it seems there is something to forgive, and we think we're doing forgiveness, we actually are NOT doing forgiveness. What we're doing is preparing to enter a state of forgiveness. And that is purification work. But if we do that work, and we don't take it all the way to "nothing happened", "everyone is still innocent as God created us to be", "there is no sin", "sin is not real" etc... then we haven't really gone FAR enough in our change of mind, and are still really WITHIN the ego though system.

That means we've fallen short and the forgiveness is not complete, because we have not moved OVER to hooking our mind up with God, in service to Christ. Remember that mind in the service of Spirit/soul is its natural state, while when mind "goes rogue" and becomes its own tyrannical ruler, it is now in a separated state. To return to forgiveness and accept atonement is to actually put your mind back under the Authority of the Soul, which requires ACCEPTING THE INNOCENT SOUL AS YOUR TRUE SELF.

Only atonement can be said to cure, so we must be willing to go ALL THE WAY to the atonement truth and the acceptance of it, which opens you up to allow yourself to be loved by God, and to RECEIVE A MIRACLE, which you can then extend to others. Short of this, forgiveness is incomplete and atonement is still being avoided. And therefore it is not a complete cure. To truly forgive is to CURE, completely and totally and forever. Acceptance of your permanent innocence and worthiness is the only acceptable goal.