There is a subtle form of ego projection which may go unnoticed.

Sometimes other people are arguing or upset. It may not necessarily have anything to do with you and you might not be actively a part of the argument.

But the ego in you can start to experience a kind of "delight" that others are suffering or in conflict. It's almost like saying, I don't even need to project sin to make others guilty because they're doing a great job of being guilty on their own.

The ego then kind of sits back in glee, in a kind of sick way, excited that someone else is receiving the punishment.

I've seen this rise up in myself on occasion when other people are having arguments in front of me. The ego becomes a kind of spectator, feeding off the situation by "enjoying" the conflict.

The ego is sadistic, and false beliefs always lean toward welcoming suffering. The ego loves to suffer, to be both victim and victimizer. So when both external parties are victimizing and being victims of each other, the ego is having a field day.

I have to watch this in myself and notice it. When I notice it, it seems to collapse and disappear immediately if I recognize that this is me being ego. Just because I don't seem to be involved doesn't mean my ego stays quiet. It gets involved passively.

This is also the source of people gossiping about each other or backstabbing or creating drama indirectly about the behaviors of others. Using them as virtual scapegoats. Taking advantage of the opportunity to be "right" about others being "wrong" because of how other people dug their own grave.

There is an interpretation of ACIM that I run into quite often, which has nothing to do with it.

In the world in general, many people have the idea that "the world" is duality. And then at some point they get the idea that "behind the world" there is a oneness.

So here you have two basic sort of levels, a oneness and a twoness. Usually this idea suggests that all the "things" in the world are actually joined together as "one thing". That it's all God. As if the "forms" of objects are some way in which the "formless God" is manifesting or showing up.

This is a variant of what some people call a non-duality idea. And many people think that for example, space and time are "the universe", ie all of existence, and that the universe "as a whole" is God, a oneness that makes up the stars and planets.

For these people, there is usually no notion of any existence beyond space time, beyond this "universe", any other dimension, or anything but what is front of their faces.

Many of these people bring this "model" of reality to ACIM with them and do not let it go. Instead they try to fit ACIM into this model. I've seen some pretty severe cases of this where a person studying ACIM for decades still believes this basic arrangement of reality.

It seems like a simple enough idea.... and also seems to be supported by science for the most part. It's the idea that physical matter is somehow a sort of illusion, and it's really all made up of energy or some lower-level substance, which at the lowest level all seems to be one big thing.

There are various statements in ACIM which, if read with this model of the world in mind, might seem to validate it. Such as God being in everything you see, or reflections of heaven on earth, or heaven not being a place but a condition, etc.

Some people have really dug into this model and believe it's the whole of what ACIM is teaching. But, in my opinion, it's far from it. One of the major problems with it is that it gives credit to the illusory world as "God's creation", it shifts an entire level of existence down a notch so that the physical world becomes part of reality, even the Kingdom. Then people want to forgive the world in terms of lifting away from it unfair judgements "of God's Kingdom", as if Earth is God's creation. And this couldn't be more mistaken, leading to making illusions real.

In ACIM's definition of reality, heaven is an unlimited realm which is hosted within God. It is God's creation or kingdom. It hosts many beings etc. In ACIM, this sonship is synonymous with references to "universe". In this view, there never was a planet Earth or space or time or physical matter or bodies or quantum fields or dark matter or any of the rest of it. There's just God's being and its divine light-based contents.

It then tells us there was a major event, sometimes called "the fall of man" and sometimes "the separation" or "descent into hell" or "detour into fear", which seemed to split the minds of some of the occupants of heaven. And this resulting in the illusory hallucinated making of a whole other seeming realm, a lower-order reality, another "universe", space and time, physical matter, planets, bodies and so on. None of this existed before, and in reality does not really exist now. And it's certainly not a creation of God.

That's very different than saying that all of the physical contents of spacetime are joined together in a oneness. It's really saying that all of the contents of spacetime, and space and time themselves, are really a single illusion, covering up ANOTHER reality beyond them. In effect, 1) the illusory world of objects, 2) the world of objects is all one big dream - but not the oneness of God, and 3) beyond this unified singular illusion is ultimate reality - actual God and heaven.

Three seeming layers, not two. Not just duality and non-duality, or duality and oneness, but separate illusions (false perception), singular illusions (true perception), and oneness (no perception). We need to open our minds to listen to what ACIM is telling us about the structures of existence, rather than dragging our baggage and preconceptions and assumptions into it, trying to force ACIM to justify and prove some pre-held beliefs. We have to surrender all prior beliefs and listen and let ourselves learn a new truth.

Space and time and matter and all of these contents that we call "the universe" is not the universe. It is an illusory realm of separation and an attack on God. It exists only as a dream in the minds of those who are asleep and in denial of actual reality. You can at best change how you look at it and see a reflection of light in it, in order to prepare for leaving it, but you cannot turn it into reality. It is fundamentally not really there. It is not existence. And it is not secretly oneness. "There is no world."

If you believe you are guilty, it's because you believe you really did something which has caused a loss or damage to someone else. It means you believe you succeeded in attacking and taking something from them. The guilt tells you that because you did take something away from another (sinned), you owe them.

This means they are justified in doing something to you in return, in attempt to take back what you stole, and to retaliate against your crime. You now must fear revenge, and see it as an inevitable, constant threat. You believe in their likelihood of revenge because you believe in your success at sinning, hence your guilt.

So long as you believe that the person is suffering the consequences of your sin, which you want to believe because you want to have succeeded in separating, you will believe they are going to hunt you down and attack you. You believe they are completely justified in doing this and even agree with their motivations, even if it threatens you.

Therefore your guilt has automatically produced a state of fear, whereby simply because you are guilty, you yourself can see the sense in someone else wanting to attack you back. You believe in what you stole and see them as seeking revenge, to atone for the sin. Of this you must be afraid, and so guilt leads to automatic, mandatory fear of punishment.

The guilt will therefore automatically imply, project, and turn into fear. Now that you are in fear, you believe that you should be afraid, because you believe that punishment is going to come. And even though you yourself believe that you don't want the punishment to happen, you cannot help but be afraid it is going to happen because you already believe in the reason for it. It must happen, because you are guilty, and all your efforts will be to try to avoid and escape it, even though you believe it is inevitable. You attempt to escape BECAUSE you believe it is coming.

However, your own belief in your guilt will keep producing the fear, and the fear itself will keep visualizing the ways in which punishment is going to happen. At every turn it will haunt you and you will not feel safe, threatened by the revenge that you believe must be coming. In fact, so strong will be your belief that the punishment will come, that you will in fact begin to make it come. You will draw it to you, ask for it, and even take steps to make it happen. You will hate yourself for this but you yourself believe in the logical sense that you should be punished, and so you will agree to allow punishment to come to you, even if it makes you suffer.

Therefore because you have condemned yourself as sinful, it leads eventually to you implementing your own self punishment. Even if other people will not comply with your attempts to destroy yourself, you will do enough of a job on your own to ensure you receive what you believe you deserve. And so you will continue to prove your worthlessness by demonstrating that you deserve punishment, enacting it against yourself, and literally hurting your own self by your own hand.

And so fear inevitably leads to the enactment of punishment, because it strengthens the belief that you should be punished, and what you fear you attract. Fear pretends to not want what it focuses on, but it feeds tremendous energy into what it would avoid, through attempts at further separation, which only intensifies the sense of sin and guilt and produces more of the same. Eventually the shame and guilt produces so much fear of punishment that it starts to produce actual punishment. And so fear turns into punishment, sickness, and suffering, and perhaps even death.

Fear perpetuates and justifies a perception of yourself as being victimized, whereby whoever is to attack you is justified in doing so because of your sin. You owe them, and you know it. Therefore you dread the punishment that you yourself believe you should be receiving, and it's only a matter of time before it finds you. And if it is taking too long, one way or another you will cause it and welcome it, because you believe it is what should happen.

As punishment increases, so too is fear increasing, and gradually the atoning for sin nears completion. The more you are punished and suffering, the more you believe you are getting what you deserve, even if you exclaim that it is unfair and undeserved, and even if it is scaring you shitless. You yourself started this whole cycle through your own self condemnation, and your guilt and fear and punishment is just the fulfillment of your own belief in your worthiness of suffering. And so punishment comes and as it continues to ramp up in severity, so do you inflict upon yourself what you think you are worth.

The final blow of punishment is of course death, the idea that your sin is so great and so irreversible that you might as well give up on life completely and just let yourself be caught by those who you believe would bring the punishment to you. You surrender to death and lay down your life as though it is simply inevitable, because there is absolutely no way out of the logical sequence of conclusions you come to as soon as you start down the slippery slope of sin. Here you have followed sin to its logical conclusion, the call for atonement in death. The sinful must die, and the inescapable progression of logic from sin to death gives no way out, regardless of your protests.

This need not be.

The Son of God is not sinful. You are not guilty. And you have no reason to be afraid. Sin is not real, and no matter what you did, it is forgiven already by God. It wasn't reality and it didn't happen in reality. Only in a dream. Wake up to the happy news that all is forgiven and you are welcome home.

The progression of unfolding from sin through guilt fear punishment and death, need not occur, if the root foundation of that entire thought system is dug out. You must be willing to question whether the sin was real, whether you really did separate from God, or whether nothing has happened. This is the undoing of the dream of death, and is what the atonement represents. The idea of truth, that you cannot possibly separate from God, your attacks cannot have any effects, you cannot really sin, and no real consequences have come from trying.

You still remain as innocent as God created you to be. All the rest is just delusional nonsense and dreaming. You don't deserve to die. You deserve to live forever.

The only real choice you have, the only moment at which you are actually choosing between ego and God, is when you decide whether or not to accept the Atonement.

Here are your only choices:

A) I really did sin, and therefore every consequence of sin should happen and I deserve to die and I will make it happen.

or

B) I really did not sin in reality, nothing real has been threatened, God still finds me worthy, I am still innocent and nothing has happened.

This is your ONLY choice.

And this choice ONLY happens at the CLIMAX of a forgiveness process, a process of purification, in which you are undoing beliefs in death, punishment, fear, guilt and sin. You have to undo and PURGE all of that shit BEFORE you can even get to where you will be WILLING and able to accept some atonement.

If you imagine that being "in the ego" is like being in a dark warehouse, that warehouse contains shelf upon shelf of sin, guilt, fear, punishment, sickness, death. You have to find your way out of the dark and reach the exit. But before you can get to the exit, you have to most PAST all of these shelves of ego lies. You have to not believe any of them and clear them out of your way so that you can get to the exit.

The exit from the warehouse will take you INTO THE LIGHT, into Heaven, into the Atonement, into your INNOCENCE, but the ONLY way you can go through that door is through willingness to accept the truth is true, and choosing to admit that it is so. That nothing has happened and you are still innocent, that you are still as God created you. Then you step OUT of the warehouse of darkness INTO the light, and it is ONLY THEN that you have placed yourself back INTO the thought system of the Holy Spirit or God.

Whether or not sin is true, or whether the belief in sin is true or false, is THE PIVOTAL POINT at which you are deciding, whether you are allegiant to the ego, or allegiant to God. All of the prior steps of undoing fear and guilt and sickness and punishment etc are prerequisites but do not actually directly take you OUT of the ego thought system. They are steps TOWARDS it. They are you meandering around the warehouse in the dark trying to find the exit. All of these corrections and changes of belief and purification and releases and letting go and shifts in perception and so on are mere PREPARATION for exiting the building and becoming miraculous.

This is why when you apply forgiveness processes you MUST at some point take it ALL THE WAY to the atonement truth, OTHERWISE you are not completing the forgiveness and are falling short. You are actually STAYING IN the ego thought system UNLESS you TOTALLY EXIT through that door of accepting the atonement is true of you. And many people are doing exactly this - falling short of exiting the building, and instead lingering in various levels of denial and unconsciousness, with blocks to awareness still in place, not really undoing or looking at the unconscious belief in sin or the DEATH WISH which lurks in the darkness right in front of the doorway home.

This has to all be uprooted and dug out and undone and un-believed in PRIOR to reaching the exit, so that when you get to the exit you will no longer have any ties or objections or reasons of doubt or faith in the ego beliefs as to why you CANNOT exit, or why you don't want to, or why you cannot accept it is 100% true. It takes a lot of "work" to go through all the shit to uncover these layers of blocks to awareness, to really become literally AWARE of the truth. And only then, when you finally can SEE that it makes total sense that you MUST STILL BE INNOCENT because you DID NOT SIN in reality, only then are you actually making the choice between the ego and the Holy Spirit.

That's the only point where you're saying yes to God and no to the ego. It's also the point at which, as you exit, you become OPEN TO RECEIVE MIRACLES. This is because you now open up to accept that you CAN BE LOVED because you are worthy of it because you are still innocent. Only AFTER EXITING THE BUILDING do you step INTO THE LIGHT, and upon EXPOSURE to the light, now allow yourself to be LOVED BY GOD. And it is in this reunion, in this moment of becoming PART of the atonement itself, that you are actually willing to RECEIVE LOVE. And in your receiving of this love, THAT is how you receive a miracle and THAT is when you get healed. Because now you allow the love to love you and it heals you. If you believe sin is real then you are saying NO to love and are not receiving it.

THEN, you can take the healed part of your mind to others, to bring the atonement to others, and to SHARE and extend the miracles you've received - the love, the worthiness, to others, as part of the atonement plan. And you can do this whole process over and over again on any individual issue in order to keep accepting miracles upon miracles, until there is nothing left keeping you in the dark at all.

When I believed that I had really sinned, I would've rejected God on the basis that the sin PROVED I could not be loved. I believed the sin was real, therefore that it was TRUE of me.

And since I believed the sin was true of me, I would've actually viewed God's love as false, unfounded, unjustified and something I did not want. If it was offered, I would've rejected it and sneered at it like someone had just said something ridiculous, or that it was even offensive. I did not believe in it, and was certain of rejection.

The sense of having sinned and the belief in real sin produced a new IDENTITY. A false self. An ego. It changed the definition of my "self", from innocent to guilty. Not just like a label being added on top of my innocent self, but a suggestion that I had become corrupted and transformed and changed into a guilty person. As if my very sense of WHO I AM was altered and turned into sin or evil.

Then anything which was in agreement with truth of sin, was in agreement with me, and I would not only defend it but cultivate it. I would express the belief - prayer - that sin was real and that I was sinful, and that this was truth. Therefore, I would "hire", attract or invite, or make agreements with people who were to come and punish me. Not necessarily in a fully conscious way but still a choice based on that belief.

So people showed up, to reflect back to me what I believed was true about myself. Even if I did not like what these people did, and even if I thought they were an enemy, and even if they were hurtful, somewhere inside I asked for it with my belief in sin, and I got what I asked for. I proved over and over again how sinful I am. And if there were people who were not a part of this, who were attempting to be kind and loving, who chose to overlook my sinfulness, I did not trust them or believe them, and instead rejected the love.

As time went on and I got fed up with the suffering, I gradually started to come around and seek some kind of healing. I had a lot of insights about self-forgiveness, and the fact that nobody around me was offering forgiveness clarified that I simply was not going to be forgiven unless I claimed it for myself. That seemed like a bold move, to claim innocence when everyone else seemed to be reflecting sinfulness and believed in my sinfulness. But it was a stepping stone towards seeing myself differently.

Over time I came to clearer expressions of the idea of my innocence, but mostly these were rationalizations or justifications, or other explanations within the scope of the ego illusion, where I kept trying to explain to myself that it was "ok" that it happened. I was trying to resolve the belief in the sin without actually undoing the belief that it happened. I even dug into past lives and became aware of how the person involved had done the same thing to me before, and how this was in fact his lesson to learn as well, and for me to learn his prior perspective. But that didn't fully alleviate the guilt either.

Because I believed that the sin was real, I believed there was truth to it, and I was still prepared to defend that, deep down. I thought I'd worked through all this, on a "world is real" ego level as best I could, to clear out all the "damage", but when I exposed myself to a higher truth it came back out to exclaim itself. To defy and deny that the truth was true.

The truth was revealed only by being willing to look at the idea, that sin is not reality. That is it not actually REAL. That things which "happened", were a dream, an illusion of things happening, and that it was my taking it seriously and thinking it was real that led to all of my upset about it. Perceiving illusions to be real, IF they were real, it WOULD have meant that I really did sin. And that MUST mean that I could not be loved. Without the undoing of the idea of "real sin" there was basically no way to fully and deeply escape from the torment that "real sin" implies.

If sin is real, you simply MUST be guilty, and there is no escaping that, no matter how much you justify it, no matter how much catharsis you have, and no matter how metaphysical or mystical you get in explaining why it was "meant to happen" or was karma or was an accident or was intentional or whatever. Nothing will fully FREE you from the guilt and the constant PRODUCTION of more guilt, while the sense of "real sin" remains in place, unchecked.

If your sin is real, it simply will keep generating more guilt and fear over and over, and keep reinforcing itself, and keep proving that you're sinful, and keep attracting disasters, and any time that anyone targets you with any kind of attack, that same sin will rise up in your mind to RE-MIND you that its TRUE, that you really are a sinful wicked person who deserves the abuse you're getting. Even if you don't like the experience and want it to stop on some surface level.

The ONLY way to be free of all of the suffering, ego, rebounds, punishments, shame, self-attack, attracted reinforcements, events, people and justifications, and to finally fully put it to rest, is through the PROPER FORGIVENESS. Through the Atonement.

That means, actually coming to realize, be open to, and accept as TRUE, the fact that the so-called "sin", the thing that you thought you did, was not REALITY. It sure was a convincing illusion at the time, you REALLY thought you really did something awful, that it had "real" consequences, and therefore redefined you as a "real sinner". ALL of that has to be FALSE.

In God's truth, in God's reality, God created you as innocent. Permanently. You don't even have any functionality in your being that is capable of generating a real sin. You are absolutely incapable. Innocence cannot even begin to conceive of real sin. And in God's reality, which is the true reality, it is not possible to be separate from God. Therefore you cannot actually "do" anything. You cannot actually sin, or hurt anything, or anyone, or mess anything up, or really produce really bad consequences, or commit a real crime, or do anything evil whatsoever, because there IS no "real world" in which to do these things. There is only the illusory dream world that you THOUGHT was real.

So you must be open to the idea that sin is not real or true, if you are to accept the atonement. It is the only way you can be innocent. If sin is real, you're stuck. If the world is real, you're stuck. The ONLY way for you to lay claim to being 100% innocent through and through, in God's eyes and your own, is to RECOGNIZE that the illusion you thought was real, was NOT real, it was only an illusion. You did not REALLY sin. You did not REALLY do anything at all. And in that view, your so-called sin is forgiven.

ACIM says: "Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred (also what you did to them). It does not pardon sins and make them real. It sees there was no sin. And in that view are all your sins forgiven. What is sin, except a false idea about God's Son? Forgiveness merely sees its falsity, and therefore lets it go. What then is free to take its place is now the Will of God. "

I was trying and trying to pardon a real sin. It doesn't work at all. Because real sin cannot be pardoned. Only UNREAL sin can be pardoned.

Forgiveness sees there WAS NO SIN, and as such, your sins are forgiven. When Jesus says to someone "all your sins are forgiven", it is because He is literally recognizing that the person has not done any "real sins". So they're all seen with forgiveness and therefore Jesus is acknowledging your permanent innocence. Ie nothing "real" happened, nothing really happened, that's the Atonement.

"What is sin, except a false idea about God's son?" - in a nutsshell. I had a false idea about myself that I had become evil because I had committed a real sin. Everything about the situation SEEMED real. But it wasn't. I was unconscious and having a delusional nightmare. It did not REALLY happen at all. And because of that, I AM INNOCENT.

This innocence therefore reaches way beyond all illusions, beyond the world, beyond all events, beyond all illusory consequences. And this is not some kind of denial or further rationalization or an attempt to cover up the actual remaining presence of a belief tha the sin was real. It REALLY was not real at all, and if you can REALLY honestly believe that totally, then you are free. The world cannot have even HAPPENED in this innocence, which is why there is no world. The Atonement PROVES and demonstrates that the world is not real at all and does not exist. The ego is not real and does not exist.

Then there is great cause for relief, freedom and celebration, as you finally OWN and CLAIM the innocence which has been yours, for real, all along. Nothing can take it away from you. Nothing can stake a "real claim" of any kind that you don't deserve it. Therefore YOU ARE WORTHY OF GOD'S LOVE! All sense of unworthiness and the belief in it is nothing more than the belief that you are a real sinner. Undo that, and it becomes 100% obvious and clear that you MUST be worthy of God's love because you ACTUALLY ARE still innocent. And the atonement is something you can actually EXPERIENCE!

You are forgiven. God has never condemned you. You were GROSSLY MISTAKEN in believing that you had actually done something really wrong, producing real suffering. You just weren't perceiving illusions correctly. Sin is not real. There is no sin. "What if you looked within and saw, there is no sin?"

You're still the innocent holy child of God. You are still as God created you. Claim this atonement by recognizing ALL sin, guilt, fear, suffering, sickness and death, bodies and the world, are just part of an unreal illusion which is not reality at all. That's how you're still innocent, still worthy of God's unconditional love, and still authorized to be a part of Heaven.

Welcome Home.

I have made a pretty big mistake with ACIM, and maybe you are doing the same. Sorry this is a bit long and rambly, I'm still coming to terms with it....

I always believed that the goal in ACIM was awakening to the awareness of God's presence, which was some kind of a singular state of being. As I read and worked with the Course it at first seemed plausible that every reference to 'what truth is like', or the high-level metaphysics, all described a single absolute state of being/mind.

I felt confused by some of the interpretations of this that other people were expressing because it seemed there was a level of truth deeper or 'more true' than what most other people were understanding. So I felt I needed to go deeper into re-reading it and re-learning what it has to say. So I started reading the urtext. And I actually learned a lot, much of which made me question what the status quo understanding was on many topics. I polished and refined my grasp of what the truth really meant, all still within this idea of 'there is only one kind of awakening', like, either you are totally doing it perfectly or you're kidding yourself.

I even saw how some people who claim to be awake were still falling short of what I believed that should really entail. I always felt a certain faith in Jesus and his example, and never could see anyone matching up to that. Yet I felt that in the Course it does directly speak to the kind of total mastery that he demonstrated. This included the ability to heal all sickness, raise the dead, have total mastery over illusions, be capable of changing form, of appearing as any kind of a body, absolute invulnerability (literally), not dying simply because you choose not to etc. I had Jesus practically flying around the room.

The thing is, all of the metaphysics in ACIM seemed to point to this potential and it made total logical sense to me that we "should" be able to wield total power over all illusions. Just like Jesus. So I had in my mind this kind of very high-level 'goal', which was very lofty, which I thought we were meant to strive to achieve. That was my idea of what it means to be fully awake, and anything short of that was not it. I felt frustrated that some people were saying they were awake and yet were clearly not demonstrating Jesus's level of mastery, and so of course that led to judgement but also confusion. Why was the Course saying one thing and then other things were happening? Why were people not matching up to Jesus's level and how is it possible there (obviously) has been an awakening of some kind in some people and yet they still can't raise the dead? The Course clearly spoke of some extremely high-level truths and implications which nobody seemed to be getting.

Well. As it turns out, the Course actually encompasses several "levels" of metaphysics. I had no idea of this, so I was always lumping everything together as a kind of super-level and then trying to attain that. I had no idea about this until Michael Murray started to bring forward this information about "the levels", or rather, the timing of me stumbling upon his videos and being ready to listen. Basically, there is much more going on than it appears, and without this extra information you'll make the huge mistakes I've made.

In very brief summary... this physical universe is only one of several levels or dimensions of the dream of separation. These dimensions are all states of mind but they also, to our senses, appear to be 'places' which have entire universes of their own. The physical universe is the lowest level. Above this there is a "spiritual universe" which is also the level at which the Holy Spirit resides. You might've heard it referred to also as the astral plane or similar. These levels are btw somewhat referred to in Hinduism and some other religions and you might be more familiar with them if you are "new age". Anyway.. above "level 2" the Holy Spirit's mind, there is a level 3 where our "higher self" resides, and also this is where angels seem to exist, the akashic records, and also this is where "the sonship" is - as separate higher selves. Above this level there is a fourth level which is the level of Christ where the sonship is ONE. Jesus 'the higher self' was the first to transcend the previous level and unify as Christ. Then above this level is Heaven - God.

Ok so... here's what I did totally wrong and this is where my spiritualizing ego got totally screwed up, and this is also probably where you are doing the same. Clearly, because there are levels to the dream beyond the physical, there are effectively different levels of awakening. This also means there are different levels of 'capability' and mastery (someone at level 3 does not have mastery over level 3 because to do that you must be on level 4). Also because of these levels, there are certain "capabilities" that are only possible at certain levels and there are certain 'parts' of the Course that are directly related to certain levels, e.g. the 'real world 'is a very high level thing (and nothing to do with the physical world). This also reveals that the Course itself 'speaks' on many different levels, in other words, in relation to different dimensions of the dream and different universes where the experience is on a whole different level. Truths which apply on one level totally superceded stuff on the levels below, so as we ASSUME that all of this is just ONE BIG LEVEL, or 'the one goal', we get really messed up and confused about what's being asked of us.

Also because of these levels, typically in order to go "up" the levels you need to go in sequence. You can't just jump to the 5th level or just pop into heaven when you're still down at level 1. And pretty much most of us are on level 1, me included. So here's the huge mistake I made.

In assuming there were no levels, and lumping them all together, and in becoming aware of the Christ-level truths in the Course, I created for myself an extremely lofty Christ-level goal, comparable to Jesus. Because I can see the parts of the Course which DO speak of/from this level (all of the course comes from the Christ level but speaks OF or as-if from other levels also), this 'highest truth' level became my concept of "the only level" or "what awakening means".

So I was basically down here on level 1, with my big ego, and trying to BYPASS all the way up to the Christ level in one straight shot. I wanted to embody and encompass ALL of the characteristics of Christ, in a kind of all-or nothing grand-master-of-the-universe power-over-everything ultra-mastery i-can-fly-around-the-room-if-i-like-and-there's-nothing-you-can-do-about-it sort of ideal. Anything short of this was "not good enough". So now I had this hugely lofty "should" or how I am supposed to be, or what I'm supposed to get to, or what I need to realize etc. And this also included this HUGE burden of 'what I am responsible for'... as if I caused the entire universe and everything in it, all by my little ego level-1 self, which is NOT true.

Having this extremely lofty goal of "be Christ", bypassing all of the levels that are REQUIRED to go THROUGH in order to get there, put an ENORMOUS BURDEN on my shoulders. A huge weight of guilt at falling short and not even barely being able to accomplish it. And believe me I tried, really hard. I even attained some small ability to bring about healing through Holy Spirit, some of the time, in small amounts. And I KNEW that the parts of the Course that speak of the Christ-level were true. So this kept me dangling from a thread, chasing after this carrot of perfection and power, but falling way short. All this did was put PRESSURE on me (and my wife) to match up to this enormous responsibility which is far beyond what 'I' (level 1 me) am actually capable of. Yes my Christ self IS capable of such things, but that's way above where I'm at or can even GET TO or ACCESS from where I'm at.

The truth is that we are only really capable of going from level 1 to level 2. The first awakening. Some people bypass this and jump to level 3 but only in extreme rare circumstances. The rest of us can only, and are only really asked to, go from level 1 to level 2, which in Course terms meaning letting go of the persona and shadow and aligning with Holy Spirit's mind and letting go of the *physical* world level. This lets us be in the "spiritual universe", or to move up from there. But we can't just jump to the top, especially not WITH the ego. And that's what we're all trying to do - a huge spiritual bypass in which our ego gets to try to be Christ.

So this is a blow to the ego. Here's little me down in level 1 world believing that I'm oh-so-spiritual, advanced, getting ready to graduate, believing that I'm more spiritual than others, and finding out that I actually am probably on this level BECAUSE I am still on level 1. Hah. Not level 2 or 3 or 4 or 5... level 1. Sucks! lol ... BUT the freedom comes from this realization..... you don't need to try to be Christ. You don't need to even try to be the higher self or to jump up to that level. You ONLY need to get to level 2 - the Holy Spirit's mind. So this somewhat lets you off the hook.

It means that you can drop all of huge expectation that you're putting on yourself to be Christ-like. It means you can stop trying to raise the dead or expect yourself to be able to. I have to tell you, I recently got a 'sty' in my eye and it was sort of infected and stuff, unsightly and uncomfortable, and I really dug DEEP into possible causes and unforgivenesses in attempt to heal it, because I was really convinced I was SUPPOSED to be able to just 'make it go away' with my mind. I did some healing, yes, but the dam fucker did not change. It didn't just disappear. So this was a blow to the spiritual ego, which thought it had to be Jesus-like or that it could. And I had to accept I just cant do that. Fuck it.

But this is really a relief. It's a huge relief to realize that you do not have to "try" to be christ. You do not have to be responsible for stuff that is in "the script" - a script written by and powered by a mind far huger than yours is now. You don't have to try to be this dead-raising master. You don't have to turn water into wine or be some extraordinary guru. You're not capable of that until probably the 5th dimensional awakening. You don't have to blame yourself for all the shit that comes from the unconscious mind that you are not consciously choosing, as if it's all your fault. You don't have to own every single little thing that happens as if, just by it happening, it proves that you SUCK and that you're a total course failure. You don't have to keep beating yourself up for "not doing the course right" ie not matching up to the kind of capabilities that you pretty much CANNOT accomplish until you ARE at the Christ level, which is not going to happen until you've at least gone through 2 or 3 other levels of awakening.

So there's all this huge weight of guilt and expectation that we've all been putting on ourselves because we're all trying to live up to this extraordinary goal of being Christ when, in fact, from this level 1, we can only really be expected to get to level 2. It's true that there is no world and its just a dream and that the Christ mind can create planets... ok... but little me, little you... at level 1, no, there isn't going to be any planets getting made. So that's not something you can be responsible for. We have this hugely inflated spiritual ego (ok, speaking for myself, but I bet you do too) that's trying to claim the "power" of being Christ while still being very limited and incapable.

We have to stop putting level 3/4/5+ realities and responsibilities and powers onto our shoulders as level 1 ego folks and stop expecting ourselves to live up to this hugely lofty standard. WE have to accept that we are NOT at the level of Jesus and probably very few people are going to be. We have to accept that even the best of the best of the ACIM teachers aren't even at that level. Not even the enlightened gurus and yogis necessarily at that level. All we need to do is do our SIMPLE job of forgiveness and development of trust in Holy Spirit and come into his mind and accept his truth and his way of perceiving. The other levels and the potency and power of those other levels will follow on from there naturally as the 'next steps'. But we can't just bypass and jump to those steps. And we have to admit we've been doing this, our spiritualized egos are about to POP, and we can take a big sigh of relief that we're NOT supposed to expect such huge things of ourselves.

This should relieve us of all the guilt, all the sense of failure, all of the exasperation at not getting it, all of the fear and guilt and frustration that we have to accomplish Christ-level capabilities otherwise we're going to die, etc. We have to strip it all back. Let go of the highest goals. Focus on the NEXT step which is just getting to level 2 - Holy Spirit's level, and letting go of the idea that our LEVEL 1 EGO is EVER going to be capable of being at the Christ level, LET ALONE even level 2. And yet it's trying. It's been trying hard this whole time to live up to some kind of universe-creating mega goal. It loves to. Even though it's a total failure at it. So we can at least admit, we don't have to think of ourselves as total failures any more because we were never meant to be level-5 ego's to begin with.

All this comes from the clarity that the Course contains levels, that we're on level 1 trying to get to level 2, and that everything else is irrelevant. Yes at some point we will create planets but not today. First things first. One step at a time. We're getting ahead of ourselves and our expectation and fear of not being able to match up to the high-level truths is, thankfully, not even being asked of us right now.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.