Did a healing for myself after feeling pain in my hand, which was anger I was holding onto.

After a process of visualizing the healing and commanding it to leave etc, I was again not expecting it but.... there was an angel kneeling at my side holding my hand very gently. It kissed my hand.

I felt extremely touched that a being so innocent and pure would bow down and kiss "me"... the impure. It made me feel very worthy beyond my own unworthiness. It then maneuvered and kissed the back of my hand a few times.

I could feel its presence beside me. Again I did not ask for it to come nor did I in any way imagine that there would be an angel involved in what I was doing. But what I was doing once again attracted the angels to assist me.

All pain has disappeared, such that I didn't even remember that this happened until now.

Clearly when we are fulfilling God's will and are expressing the truth that sickness is unreal and that we deserve healing and love, and actually take steps to bring that about, we "align" ourselves with heaven and do what Heaven would do, and Heaven comes to support us in that!

When shitty stuff happens, you want it to stop.

But it's a lesson. It's trying to teach you something. Its motive of teaching is very much for you and supportive of you and helping you. It is not a motive of attack. At least, if you decide to use it this way.

What if this thing is trying to educate you, to give you training, so that you will learn something you didn't know, so that you can become able to help other people who you later encounter who are going through the same thing?

Perhaps then you will have transitioned from being a student to being able to teach what you have mastered.

Life will throw you first-hand challenges. Like, right in your face, when you don't want it. And your ego will claim it wants it to go away. Why does it want it to go away? Perhaps it doesn't want you to use it for forgiveness? Perhaps it doesn't want you to listen and learn and grow and wake up?

Would you welcome the lesson if you knew it was designed specifically, and solely, to help you, and through your willingness, end up helping others as well? What if it is for everyone's highest good? What if Holy Spirit wants you to be learning this and it isn't some kind of evil curriculum given you by the devil?

I've been recently experimenting with various forms of acceptance. I'm moving into more acceptance and letting go of more denial. This seems to be the 'new frontier' in my spiritual path.

One of these forms is in opening up to receiving God, receiving love, receiving healing. I've done this a few times now. The first time was the most powerful but each time I 'receive God' I feel that love comes in.

The thing is, when this love comes in it immediately receives a reaction from my ego, which is really kind of clueless as to what to do about this. It has no real response to it other than confusion, and clearly the power of God is SOOOOO much bigger than anything the ego can do, it renders the ego like dust on the surface of the ocean. It can't do anything about it. And so it will say/experience something like...."how could God love me?"

And by this I mean, it's actually thinking of it as though God loving me is some kind of an UNWANTED thing. Like an attack. How dare God love me?! How could he 'do this to me'?.

This is the part of me that believes God can't be love. It's the part that believes I can't be love. It is in disbelief. Its a part of me that believes God's unconditional love is impossible and doesn't exist. And its the part of me that is so confused and backwards about what God is that it thinks God's love is actually some disgusting thing that it does not want anything to do with.

And so for this part of me - this ego - to have an encounter with or be exposed to this offering of real love, it's like.. it's healing. It's transformative. It's not comfortable at all, it's kind of shocking. And actually it entails quite a lot of fear. I am very resistant to actually saying the full sentence "receive God", even though it's only 2 words. I can FEEL and know what it will mean if I allow God in. God is huge. God is powerful. His love is immense. Can I allow it?

Yet gradually I'm becoming more willing to accept, to receive, to allow. Slow steps. Baby steps. But having some willingness to surrender is the key.

Letting love in. It seems radical. Just receiving God and permitting Him to be in me. It shouldn't be such a big 'thing' but the ego has shut God out for so long. I suppose this relates to letting God take up residence at the 'altar' which the Course talks about as having been defiled by our ego separation idea.

Letting yourself be loved. To a degree that you never thought was possible, that you never thought you ever would deserve. It goes deep. Very deep. But I can also feel it giving me a kind of strength, a kind of certainty, and a kind of healing. Relief. Relief from the darkness of being separate.

My ego self is very shocked by what God is doing, by the unconditionality and complete lack of 'cost' in God's offering. It does not understand the sheer freedom with which the Gift is being offered. It is suspicious of it and resistant to accepting it. It can't comprehend why I could possibly be worthy of such unconditionality, as if there is a secret motive involved. Yet as I continue to be willing to let God in, love is taking up residence, and the ego can't do anything to stop it.

When you look back upon your life and remember all the bad shit that happened, the things that made you suffer, the stressing out and the fearful horror, the intense drama, the pain and misery, all the times that you felt threatened, and the whole litany of confrontations you had with other people, they all had one thing in common.

You may not have realized what this one thing is, but in every single encounter there was one thread running through it that made them all the same: YOU BELIEVED IT WAS REAL.

It was in fact ONLY because you believed it was real, that you ever had any upset, any suffering, any stress, any misery, any horror or fear, and anger or conflict. If the world were recognized as NOT REAL, you would remember to laugh at absolutely everything. You, as real, cannot be hurt or upset or oppressed or influenced in any way by an unreal world. The world is just a dream, not a reality, and it cannot hurt you unless YOU GIVE IT REALITY.

So all those times, all those lessons, all those difficult situations, all that turmoil and worry and loss of peace and grief and every sorrow, it was all the result of the same one problem. You thought separation was real. You thought a separated world was real. You thought you were really separated from others, from God, and from yourself. Believing separation was real was the ONLY PROBLEM. It was the cause of EVERY form of suffering you've ever experienced.

Which means, if you take reality away from the world, withdraw the power you gave it, and stop believing it is even really happening, you are finally rising above the battlefield, into a transcendental space where you can never again be hurt or upset or unhappy. The key to the undoing of suffering is simply the recognition that it has no properties of God. It is not real or true or existing or causing or powerful or permanent or unchangeable or a fact.

"It is your thoughts alone that cause you pain. Nothing external to your mind can hurt or injure you in any way. There is no cause beyond yourself that can reach down and bring oppression. No one but yourself affects you. There is nothing in the world which has the power to make you ill or sad, or weak or frail. But it is you who have the power to dominate all things you see by merely recognizing what you are. As you perceive the harmlessness in them, they will accept your holy will as theirs. And what was seen as fearful now becomes a source of innocence and holiness."

"For you would not react at all to figures in a dream you knew that YOU were dreaming. Let them be as hateful and as vicious as they may, they COULD have no effect on you, unless you failed to recognize it is YOUR dream. This single lesson learned will set you free from suffering, WHATEVER form it takes."

"The Holy Spirit will repeat this ONE inclusive lesson of deliverance, until it has been learned, REGARDLESS of the form of suffering that brings you pain. Whatever hurt you bring to Him, He will make answer with this very simple truth. For this one answer TAKES AWAY the cause of every form of sorrow and of pain. The form affects His answer not at all, for He would teach you but the SINGLE cause of all of them, no matter WHAT their form. And you will understand that miracles reflect the simple statement, "I have done this thing, and it is this I would undo."

While doing a fervent forgiveness process, I started to think of my relationship with God. This is where things get juicy. We might not think of whether we are really loving God because we typically are not aware of God, he's not exactly popping up in front of our faces or coming along to trigger us. But there is certainly a hefty body of emotional and psychological disturbance in between us and Him.

So I started to forgive God, along the lines of looking at what I believed I had done to God, and what I believed God had done to me. This included looking into whether I believed I'd sinned against him, hurt him, offended him, upset him, made him angry, changed him, etc.. and vice versa whether God had ever attacked me, sinned against me, hurt me, rejected or abandoned me, judged me, etc.... all ending up with the firm resolution that no, none of this had occurred. And then once that was out of the way, it's possible to more directly accept atonement and see that God still loves you and finds you innocent and so on... the relationship with God heals.

Jesus told me this was "good", to look into this and forgive God for what I thought He'd done to me, and to forgive myself for what I thought I'd done to him. None of it had really happened or had any truth to it. This was all beautiful and lovely. But you can bet this led to a MAJOR catharsis afterwards. I've found this before as well. If I receive a shit-ton of love from God, it can trigger extremely deep catharsis. We all probably have some deep unhealed shite surrounding our direct relationship with Him, and this stuff has to be brought to light and healed.

"Today's idea will eventually overcome completely ***the sense of loneliness and abandonment all the separated ones experience***. Depression is an inevitable consequence of separation. So are anxiety, worry, a deep sense of helplessness, misery, suffering and intense fear of loss."

All of this stuff has to be healed. Every separated self experiences this automatically. We are all, with egos, experiencing a belief in being abandoned by God, rejected, alone, afraid, unworthy etc. No one is excluded from this. Until atonement is accepted and we are reunited with God we are forced into a state where depression, anxiety, fear, worry, loss, helplessness, misery, suffering, sickness etc are all part of the territory. It's a very deep sense of suffering that keeps God's love at a distance.

Our relationship with God must be healed of all of these horrors and looking directly at these things is not easy. It requires that you "forgive God" and yourself in relation to him, to directly undo the "separation" between you and Him, and thus the separation itself. It's one thing to forgive your brothers, but you MUST also forgive God everything you've ever accused Him of or believed true of Him in error. And make no mistake this can be the biggest emotional hurdle you will encounter because it has been ongoing for many lifetimes, through all worldly experiences, and for the whole time you have been away from home.

I used to attack myself pretty severely through the fear of being judged by others. I was painfully shy and perceived a need to withdraw in an effort to protect myself, but all this did was hurt myself deeply.

My shyness was a coping mechanism for protecting my sensitivity. I had failed to learn how to express myself fully, and it didn't help that I was an introvert. I had trouble learning social skills and asserting myself. Every social interaction was literally painful.

I did not realize what I was doing to myself. My perception was that other people were perceiving me in a certain way, which I was simply trying to get away from.

After a social encounter, particularly one with strangers or where I had to go into someone else's home or be surrounded by a crowd, I would feel deeply, deeply hurt. I would become strongly embarrassed in the midst of the situation, would tense up, become very quiet (paralyzed) and experience things as though everyone was judging me.

I would return home with a very very deep inner emotional pain, a feeling of "hurt", that was so strong I had no choice but to have a deep cry in order to deal with it. Every social encounter seemed like a total failure and something I did not want to be a part of, making me avoid them even more. It was deeper and stronger than any other emotional upset about any other situation in life. It felt absolutely horrible.

When strangers would even walk past I would immediately cringe and feel attacked. I suspected they were a threat, and saw them as enemies or someone I did not want to be around. They seemed to have power over me and I hid away and withdrew in an effort to avoid people.

I had no idea what was happening in my perception or what I was doing to myself. I only thought that other people were hurting me and causing me to feel like shit. It seemed to all be their fault, and they were the ones who we being judgmental.

But over time I have gradually, slowly learned, that this is not the case. It was difficult to come to realize this.

I saw that I was in fact judging everyone else. I saw them as judged in some way, although this seemed to be subtler and concealed behind my reaction to this perception. Seeing them as judgers automatically meant I was judged by them and therefore at their effect. The effects this produced in my own self was the deep hurt.

I had to realize that in order to see them as judgers, I had to believe they were the ones being judgmental, which was in fact my own belief. I was making them out to be judgers. And that meant, I was simultaneously judging my own self by seeing myself in the role of "judged" by them.

It never really had anything to do with other people judging me either. In fact, probably in 99% of cases they were not being judgmental at all. They were not even interested. They weren't saying anything about me or pointing a finger or anything. But I had this "mental illness" of strongly believing that I couldn't go anywhere without being under attack. And it wouldn't matter if someone pointed out that no-one really cared to judge me because they were too busy with their own selfish interests, I couldn't see it.

What I was really doing was seeing myself as judge-worthy, disassociating a part of my mind and projecting it onto others, seeing them as the judger rather than myself, and then creating the effects within myself that correspond to how I perceived others to be perceiving me. I literally was hurting myself. The hurt I did to myself was far worse than anything anyone else ever did, and it was all because of how I was mis-perceiving.

Underneath this fear of judgement there was a belief that I deserved to be judged, because I believed I had sinned and was guilty. I didn't see myself as worthy of love and therefore perceived that others agreed with me. My direct self-attack turned into indirect self-attack that appeared to be coming at me from other people, but was really coming at me from within a part of my mind that I did not recognize as myself.

I was being both the judger of myself, and the one who was judged. Or in other words, a victimizer and a victim. I played both roles but only saw myself as playing the victim role, and unfairly so. The mere act of perceiving oneself in a victim role automatically creates effects in yourself, typically emotional reactions which try to correspond to the causes that you see as outside of yourself. Because I saw others as judging me severely, I felt severely hurt. Truth is, both the perception that others were judging and the hurtful effects of the judgement were both put in place simultaneously by myself.

I needed to forgive myself. And this has taken a very long time and it's been a very gradual slow process. Over the years, a sense of being separate from others has diminished. A sense of being trapped in myself has diminished. A sense of frustration at not being able to fully express has diminished. A sense of it not being okay to simply be the way I am has diminished. In fact, recently there has been a growing, wonderful freedom, of finally not giving a fuck.

This funnily enough manifested in recent hairstyles. It suddenly became fun to play with looking ugly, rather than trying to look pleasing. And I don't mean this ugliness is another judgement, just that, I've found myself being really "ok" with looking whatever way I look without it meaning anything or causing a judgement.

This is so freeing. It now becomes more of a "playful" experience, where it doesn't matter one way or another, and where I'm growing stronger in my willingness to present myself in whatever way I like without caring (worrying) about what people will think of it.

You may have noticed over time that in my writing I now swear a lot more often. I used to be so repressed that I would never swear, and thought I was more special or holier than others by not doing so. It's now more of a pleasure to swear. To some this may seem like I'm turning 'evil' but that's not the case. I'm becoming more authentic and more myself, censoring myself less and recognizing that I am free.

Taking responsibility for everything I am experiencing shows me that I can only be upset if I hurt myself, no-one else is the cause of what I feel, and therefore I am set free of concern for massive people pleasing or not showing up fully as myself. I was trying to be everyone but myself, to be something I am not, and to disown myself. There is nothing but pain and suffering there when we do that.

There are some people out there especially those who are painfully shy, who appear on the surface to be sweet and nice but have a strong persona, a facade of everything being alright all the time when underneath there is a searing self hatred and repression and sense of unworthiness and of not being "allowed" to do anything. It's a state of self imprisonment. I still at times struggle with limiting myself and Holy Spirit having to remind me "you are allowed". I often thought I was imprisoned by someone else in life, but really it was my own doing.

Some of these people who are suffering from self-inflicted unworthiness and quiet suffering, turn to suicide as an escape. My own life became one of depression and despearation and a growing feeling that I was approaching some kind of "end". If I had not met my wife at about that time I probably wouldn't be here.

A sense of an "end" was a sense of intense separation, isolation and being cut off from everyone. I was ostracized "by society" for an earlier "accident", but really it was a way for me to do this to myself, to give me a good reason why I should suffer in silence and be unhappy. I have had to crawl out of my own self-inflicted hell-hole. Some people are not able to do this. There was a guy at my workplace who was similarly shy who no one would suspect was suffering painfully every day through false perceptions, and he shot himself.

I am thankful for the Holy Spirit and Jesus who have helped me immensely to come out of my nightmares and into a happier place. I still have work to do but everything keeps heading in the direction of heaven. A Course in Miracles has been a God-send in terms of correcting my perceptual distortions and helping me to undo the grossly self-inflicted false beliefs that torture and condemn from the inside out. I am so different to how I used to be now that I don't recognize myself in photos.

Freedom and relief from suffering comes from the recognition of what we are doing to ourselves. We are the ones who need to forgive ourselves and undo our own self attack. There is a way out of hell, because we are the only ones keeping us in hell. No-one is keeping us here but ourselves. Fear of judgement is secretly the fear of being judged by God, which is an attempt not to go Home by justifying self attack. But there is a better way. And that means, if we will become willing, we can go Home to God and be happy. Thank God for that!

"Thus is Christ's strength invited to prevail, replacing all your weakness with the strength that comes from God, and that can never fail. And thus are miracles as natural as fear and agony appeared to be before the choice for holiness was made."

"God is my strength."

This is a relatively "new" idea to me and perhaps to others. But this is a very powerful and significant component not only of miracle working but of fulfilling your function as a powerful Son of God.

There is a strength in you. The strength of Christ - the strength of the Holy Spirit - the strength of God. God put this strength IN you by giving it TO you in your creation. You HOST His strength. Therefore, what seems to be YOUR strength, is actually HIS strength. HE makes you strong. HE gives you power!

Whenever you attempt to do anything based on your OWN strength, you really are depending on littleness and weakness. And this little weakness is NOT very strong. It has not much power in it and is not very capable. Depending on your own strength makes you AFRAID, because your own strength is tiny and insufficient and not really capable of doing or dealign with much at all.

As you are developing trust, putting aside your authority problem, and coming to DEPEND ON God, opening up to the fact that God is in you, at your inner altar, and as you progress through the lessons etc, you'll encounter this idea that God is your strength. And that Christ lends you His strength. And it is their strength that makes miracles possible through you.

When you are trying to be a miracle worker, if you look at it like you're the one who has to muster the strength, courage, power, to accomplish a miracle, and you're going to have to be very brave and strong in order to "make something happen", not much is going to happen. Because really this is a state of fear and an attempt to be brave in the face of insurmountable difficulty and weakness.

A key element in miracle working has to be that you have opened up to recognize and allow and invite the power of God to be in you. Which means making room for the power of God/Holy Spirit/Christ IN you, to BE strong FOR you. To be your strength. Rather than relying on your own strength. Their strength is OFF THE CHARTS unlimited power. And it is their strength that gives miracles their unlimited power.

So your function isn't to be "strong on your own" or some kind of super hero. The hero is always attempting to be an amazing miracle worker with super powers. But really to ACTUALLY perform miracles you need to depend on the strength of God and allow HIM to have the strength to accomplish the task. He is the one who will supply your strength and make YOU strong. Without Him you are too weak to give anything or accomplish consistent healing.

So this idea that your strength is given you by God, that God SUPPORTS you, strengthens you, makes you powerful, but not OF yourself, is key in both miracle working and awakening.

If you're open-minded to the idea that heaven is a place you can go, which is not the Earth, the retelling of a profound near death experiences will be clarifying and validating for you.

After leaving the body, we travel to a kind of summer land, a beautiful "other side" dimension (which is not Earth), complete with beautiful landscapes and people etc ... likely what we might call the astral plane or "lower heaven". Then we move on to a direct encounter with God in his higher dimension of heaven.

For me this is roughly the "structure" that I believe "exists", ie Earth and spacetime are a much denser lower-order realm, above is the astral "spirit world" dimension where people typically hang out between lifetimes etc, and then beyond that is heaven proper where we are one with God.

A Course in Miracles does lend itself to these ideas because as it states in Song of Prayer:

"If there has been true healing, this can be the form in which death comes when it is time to rest a while from labor gladly done and gladly ended. Now we go in peace to freer air and gentler climate" This "gentler climate" is the astral spirit world - still a dream perhaps but a higher dream and more beautiful than this lower denser world we call Earth. I do SOMETIMES wonder if "the real world" spoken of in ACIM might be perhaps in some way a reference to that "summer land", another dimension beyond this one yet short of heaven.

One possible clue is when Jesus speaks of rivers which never waste away - which have been spoken of in various near-death experiences.

"when you have looked on scenes of violence and death, and WATCHED them change to quiet views of gardens under open skies, with clear life-giving water running happily beside them in dancing brooks that never waste away; who need PERSUADE you to accept the gift of vision? And AFTER vision, who is there who COULD refuse what MUST come after?"

I guess we'll find out. For sure I am firm in the belief that this physical level of human bodies and bullshit is not and never could be God's Kingdom. Beyond this world there is at least another entire dimension, if not many. When you hear people speaking of actually experiencing it, we can no longer remain closed-minded or regard the spacetime of the "physical universe" to be real, or our true home in God. Ultimately, it is nothing.

"Salvation is no more than a reminder this world (Earth/Spacetime) is NOT your home"

"The (physical) body can be made a home like this BECAUSE it lacks foundation in the truth. And yet, BECAUSE it does, it can be seen as NOT your home, but merely as an aid to help you reach the home (when you leave it behind) where God abides (in heaven)."

When I am reminded of things like this, which sometimes are thought to be outside of "acim teachings", but nevertheless hinted at by them, I feel more in touch with my own inner truth. I recall that there are indeed other dimensions, life beyond the physical, and a heaven that is not of this world.

"Your Kingdom is not of this world (Earth/Spacetime) because it was given you from BEYOND this world (Heaven)."

"Others find it in experience that is not of this world, which shows them that the world (Earth/Spacetime) does not exist because what they behold (Heaven) must be the truth, and yet it clearly contradicts the world."