If your ultimate, completely long-term goal was to awaken to truth and return to God, and you knew that ultimately nothing could hurt you because you are Immortal Spirit, you would be COMPLETELY okay with WHATEVER is necessary in order...
For a long time I thought that if I would just SAY what the truth is, or 'get it intellectually', or be able to describe it, or have the right insight to put some pieces of the puzzle together, then...
If you think of this in terms of ... God contributes some of the decisions, and you contribute other parts.... then no, this is not how you co-create with God. This is co-creation based in separation/ego.
It is not that...
We are meant to extend God's reality, as the Son of God, to extend His Kingdom.
When we deny Him and deny we are His Son, we stop extending Him (as source of everything) and instead have to 'make up' stuff...
So, every feeling you have, every reaction you have, you choose to have, on your own. And it has nothing to do with stimuli or what other people are doing or what happens.
So you're really walking around with a blank...